It may not be "depression" it may be despair, uncontrolled anxiety, overwhelming feelings of helplessness and unworthiness.
Get some counseling and attend Alanon - you'll get lots of information and support.

Sadly suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And yes I have lost many friends in the last 19 years most that could not get recovery. And some that were clean and sober and tried to do it alone. It hurts.

Alcohol is a depressant as are many other addictive drugs. What goes up must come down. They are however only a symptom of underlying problems...coping,pain,fear many years of untreated symptoms and using to block them. There are unfortuntes that never get it. I was almost one of them, until I found my program and people who helped me. But many never make it that far.

Addiction is insidiously horrendous and painful for everyone..

The person usually feels ok about it and stopping them usually does not happen if they have gotten that far. It is just to hard for them on this planet. Lets pray its better next time. I am sorry for your grief..

My husband died June 12 2008. Initially the coroner labelled it a suicide, it was amended to accidental because nobody knows for sure what happened. THe coroner told me it was 50/50 between suicide and accident, decided to call it a suicide to save his family, most particularly my son from all the trauma associated with the suicide label.

In a way, I see that many drug addicts are slowly committing suicide with every hit. The self destruction is not realy one isolated moment in time. My husband was killing himself for years. I had to watch him do this to himself.

For us who are the survivors, it is painful. However, it was more painful for me when he was alive, watching him make dangerous choices every day, worrying about his health, his safety, sitting up at night when he disappeared wondering if the call would come from him, his family, the police, the hospital, the coroner.

My husband was depressed. He had lost everything. He was not able to quit, the drug won.

Many addicts start using in the first place because they are trying to numb themselves to their feelings and their problems, or masking their mental health issues by self-medicating. Although my husband would never open up, I know he had an extremely abusive step father and a weak mother who did not protect him and I beleive he was trying to push down all his feelings and memories about the abuse.

Also, with some drugs, when you get off the high your brain and nervous system become chemically depressed, and just the drug not being in their system can create those feelings.

oops I mean to say the coroner decided NOT to call it a suicide

I'll never know what he was thinking that day, I only know what we lived with while together. I feel i new him such a short time and if I ever really even new him? He was in alot of pain I know, many people new but only he could get through it ? I really did love him and he was an amazing person sober, every body loved him but know on new what to do anymore? He continued to loose the whole time we were together and it tore him apart, and everytime he went out he know he had caused more pain and it ate away at him. He talked about the pain he had caused everyone and the pain he himself was enduring. He always took himself to the hospital after a binge because of the lows he would feel coming down from the drugs. I feel so lost in the end as I was just the girlfriend and only new his sister and brothers a littlee as it wasn't long into our dating that they began to turn their backs on him I assume as they had been struggling with his addiction themselves. I never met his kids or ex wife but he spoke of them often, he struggled with staying clean and getting to court to eventually see his kids again. Over two years he had gone with out seeing them? He new his addiction had him in a spiral downwards, he kept alot of it away from me. I felt him struggle to hld on and helped him whenever I could, I tried to always be there for him when he would call. When using he just disappear nt call anyone turn off his phone and disappear for day until he would either end up calling someone or going to the hospital? In the end I feel so numb, lost, confused, and just as sick as he was. I do believe he was my addiction ?

Sandrya, I do feel your pain. Death brings so many unanswered questions. You will drive yourself crazy if you let it. I know I struggle with all the unanswered questions, and I believe it always will. The fact is that he chose his path in life and in death, and that was fundamentally something you could not possibly control. He was not a healthy person, drugs will do that to you. And yes, we get hooked on the addict, I agree.

All I can say is that after over a year of dealing with my husband's death behind me is that it does get better. You will be okay, believe in that. I call my life now the "new normal". I am forever changed, but I have decided that is a good thing. I have found myself, my self love and my strength out of the ashes.

BTW it may be good that you do not know the family and the ex too well, because 1. you wont hear all the horror stories of his past; and 2. when the bill collectors come by, you are not the next of kin (I was next of kin even though we were on the way to divorce, and I had to handle it all - not a nice spot to be in)

take care
widow

Widow Thank you for your posts, it is very helpful to read. I am very lost right now and have alot of work ahead of me. I hope I can get through it. Today is the funeral and because of the distance I have with the family I am very scared and nervous. I feel some may blame me, even though I was the last one holding on to him and trying to keep him safe. I did evverything I could including letting him go as I could not hold on to him anymore. He new I had to let him go, he hated what it was doing but I know he feared being alone and everybody who ever meant anything to him was gone. I wanted to love him and hold on to him forever, but I was becoming as sick as him with out the drugs and was loosing my friends and family. It was the hardest 3 years of my life and I will never forget.

Yes some people will blame you. My in-laws and his friends said some cruel things to me, things that I will never forget, things that I have not yet found it in my heart to forgive them for. I find it helps to remember that everybody left behind is in pain, and it is often easier for some to subconsciously play the blame game, to take their anger out on you, an easy target. Easier to direct the anger at you than the person who just died. I tried to focus on that, and try to pity the people who are so immature, so distraught that they would do this to me.

When I went to the funeral, I felt the stares, heard the whispers, experienced some openly nasty remarks. I held my head high. And I would tell these people, it is sad that he could not find his way back on the right path. I loved him as did everyone else in the room. Today is a day that we pay respect and honour his life and memory, and I will not play that game or argue with you. Just because I could not help him anymore does not mean that I do not bleed inside.

I also realized that I needed to cut some of these people out of my life, or minimize my contact with them , they were toxic. Included in this list are my mother-in-law and many of his friends, who all think I "threw him away" and that I must be a cold-hearted bitch because I had refused to put up with his crap and enable him anymore. They refused or were incapable of understanding what it was like to walk in my shoes, they would rather live in a fantasy land that he would have gotten better if I had not left him. I decided that I do not need to be around people like that, and I have surrounded myself with empathetic, loving people instead.

I hope your day is bearable. message me later if you want to chat. I know how awful these days are.

big hugs
widow