so you will regroup and talk this through together. don't let this drive a wedge between the two of you. men (and some women) just want to help to fix it. that's what parents do! Go to a meeting again with the two of you and maybe he will come to the same realization as you did but let him come to it himself. otherwise he may resent you! you need each other! Good luck and my thoughts and prayers will be with you. I was the enabler for too long and it drove a wedge between my husband and I. I am so thankful he stuck with me anyway when I am sure he felt like walking out on me many times.

Relax,, release,, recharge,,, yep the two of you seem to be on the same page ,, may not always be in the same paragraph,, but that's ok,, if we all thought alike,, UHm,, there would be no problems on earth,,, it's about progress not about perfection,,
Sometimes I have to be reminded of my controlliness to fix,,, not really helping,,, not just with my addict( for the moment she is aol) but with my other kids,,, sometimes I just do for them what they could or should do for themselves ,,, just to make life easier,,, then the little voice is heard ( sometimes it's really loud),,, your not helping them your only making life harder for them,,,

If one never faces the consequences of their behavior regardless if it's good or bad,,, they really truly never realize the difference between good and bad,, and then that's when they blame everyone for their so calked difficult life,,, really if you anaylize it( which is one of my bad qualities , tend to over analyze). Is life really that bad,,, you get what you put into it,,,, sorry went astray for a min,,, just keep the definition of enabling,,, doing for one ,, that they can do for themselves and the definition of helping,,, being their as a support ,, on the refrigerator to remind everyone of the do's and don't 's of everyday life,,,

It's not about the storm, but the ability to dance in the rain

At family counceling where my son was in rehab, the lady told us that enabling was disrespecting the addict. not allowing them to make and live with their own mistakes was (this was an all male facility) castrating them, making them impotent as adults.
Read that to him, and maybe he will learn to respect his sons enough to let them fail forward to success.
If I had all the money we flushed down the toilet with our alcoholic son, my husband could have retired early. And what worked? him going to a charity hospital and a homeless shelter/treatement center on his own.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this again. I remember the same thing happening with me and my husband, the air was so thick and toxic in my home, that I was afraid if someone walk there dog lite a match my home would implode. I remember someone telling us, that you have to come together like a fist, and hold it as tight as you can, because the addict will do everything to break the fist apart, and that's what we did, and believe me we had different objectives but our goal was the same it was to do what we need to do to get my son healthy, and that was stop enabling him. The fact that your husband is open to conversation is great, and you will work it out, stay strong and stay focused.

I have been through what you are going through. my son is now 30 years old. My husband and I spent so much money "saving" and "helping" our youngest son. We would flip roles often. There were times I was strong and my husband would be worried to tears and would do anything to save our son and other times it would be me who was so worried and my husband who was so tired that he would give up and disown our son.
His drug problems began around 12 years old (I think) He barely graduated from high school, he got caught with marijuana and was suspended, I took leave from work to make sure he did independent study and met with his teacher. I even sat in his classroom to show him I meant business.
He joined the Marines as a reserve after graduation. He completed boot camp and went to training for his occupation. He met a girl, got her pregnant, got married, drug use started again. He was discharged from the military under "other than honorable". He kept this from us for months. It was easy because they were not in the same state.
He got arrested for domestic abuse. We got a call from the wife's stepfather telling us he was in jail. We immediately went to help him and brought him home with a promise to the judge that he would complete the classes required. (which we were paying for at $35 an hour) He never completed the classes due to getting tired of us and leaving our home to live with friends. He returned after being kicked out months later.
I took him to rehab myself and 3 weeks later he is at my front door saying, he didn't need it, he was not as bad as the other guys in there.
I took him right back to the same rehab and had him readmitted, then 2 weeks later he got kicked out for stealing.
We allowed him to use the car to "look for work". Of course he wasn't looking, he was at his friends house getting high. (we didn't know this til much later).
He was incarcerated, we had to pay for our car that was impounded, we visited him and even made sure he had money in his account to purchase toiletries and snacks. We picked him up when he was released and brought him home. He slept late and watched TV and ate and slept some more.
March 2012 CPS tracked him down and informed him there was a baby born that might be his. He denied being the father. I made him go with me to the court hearing for the baby and request a DNA test. Yes, he was the father. The baby tested positive for meth when she was born, and was immediately taken away from the mother. My husband and I got her when she was 3 mos old. Because of this my son cannot live with us, because he is considered unfit due to his record. We plan to adopt her. My son got admitted to another rehab which he walked out of after 2 months. My husband took him to live with a relative.
October 2012, my husband was talking to my son on the phone, just checking in on him and of course the same old song, "when are you going to get a job?, When are you going to get your life together? He told my son, you need to start taking care of yourself, we are not going to be around forever!"
My husband told me about his phone conversation with our son and how he worried that he was still using drugs. The next morning, I discovered my husband had died in his sleep. He was 57.

I know you are upset with your husband for making a unilateral decision without consulting you, especially one that you would not have made! I would be, too!
So, I suggest that when you get to talk to him, that you express how that makes you feel (like not being a "team", etc).
After you get that across, then try to come up with a solution together. Such as, instead of the lawyers fees being paid as a gift, why not make it a loan? You both could draft up a loan agreement and then all 3 of you can sign it. That way you are still showing your son that this should be his financial responsibility. Even if it takes 10 years to be paid, or if it doesn't get paid, it still communicates "this is not our responsibility, its yours". If your son has any money, you could ask him to pay some of it back now.
If your husband has already hired this lawyer, then there's not much more "damage control" that you can do! (Or at least that I can think of!)
It also shows your husband that you can come up with other creative solutions, so he really should talk to you first!
Maybe you can also make an agreement that "when it comes to the kids neither of us will spend over $____, without consulting the other first"
Negotiate something you both can agree on, because you have enough trying to "wedge" your relationship, you have to be really creative about fighting for your marriage!!

I hope my ideas are good jumpoff for you to find a solution to this problem!
And I do hope things get better for your family!

@Nana2012
I am so sorry you lost your husband so suddenly like that, my condolences. I hope the baby is bringing you lots of love, peace, and joy.

Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. How long ago did that happen? My guess based on painful experience with my own 2 addicted kids is thathe will use your husband's death as another excuse to use drugs. Honestly, the best thing would be to put some healthy distance between your son & yourself & grandbaby, but I know how hard thatxan be. I pray for you to jyster the strength to do that, though, because it will probably give you sone peace. Hugs to you.

Sorry, that post was to Nana2012. Mom of 3, I have 2 adult addicted kids & little support since I'm not with their dad (thank God) & my boyfriend of 12 years & I broke our engagement over it. He can barely tolerate being in the same room with my son & the only reason he tolerates my daughter as well as he does is because he only knows some of her issues. I keep the crap from him because I don't want him to hate my kids to the point we can never ever have a family meal (my kuds are on their best behavior around family). Anyway, it's a lonely, lonely road. It sonds like your husband & you are surviving, at least, but these addicts do wreak havoc on everyone around them.

Nana2012, i reread & see that it was last October. How are things now?

I am so sorry Mom of 3. I did not intend to write my problems on your discussion. It's just that when I read your story it moved me and once I started writing I couldn't stop. I do not talk about my issues with anyone since my husband is no longer it me. I have started another discussion group.
When my husband and I first heard the definition of an enabler we had an "AHA" moment. Did that stop us from enabling? No, we limited our enabling though, but continued helping and saving and paying for things we thought were important and would help him. We would even joke about how we were enabling when we were doing it. We knew what we were doing was wrong, but we envisioned our son out in the streets, starving, hurt or dead. In my son's 20's, we would tell him, "you want to live like this when your 30?" Now he is 30 and has no job, does not look for a job and I see he has no plans on GROWING UP and being responsible.
Does your husband read the discussions? Has he read the book "Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children"? We are just like our addict children, we have to hit bottom with them to finally say "ENOUGH".

No apologies necessary ~ my goodness! My heart goes out to you in a HUGE way. No - my husband doesn't read discussions or participate in any kind of online format like this. I just bought the book "Boundaries" and when I read it - I can share the information with him.