Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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hushpuppyr 03/10/2011

My daughter went on the run (no showed to work, never went back to sober house- all in violation of her probation and there is a warrant out for her). January 10th. Since then I have had little communication with her. She text once to say she was fine and not to call because she won't answer. Since then she sent me a message via MySpace apologizing, she's ok and being well taken care of. I sent her a message on MySpace but she won't respond. She text hello how's it going to her brother but that was it. I know she has a phone (don't know how) I see that she logs into MySpace usually everyday so in that respect, I am relieved because at least I know she's kind of ok. Currently, she hasn't signed in since March 8th and naturally I am out of my mind with worry. What does it mean? Is she safe? Did she lose her place to stay? What is she doing? Why can't I help her? Why can't somebody help her? Why can't she help herself? We've been at this game for going on 3 years now with no end in sight. If I think about the long term possibilities then it's insurmountable so I try to just look at today or now. But even that is a daunting task. Like all of you, I am tremendously heartbroken and am filled with guilt, hoplessness and indescribable pain. Oh how I miss her. She is my oldest and for her early years it was me and her against the world. I was 15 and alone and she was and is my everything. I know all the same stuff, cause it, cure it, change it, blah blah blah- it doesn't change how it FEELS. Words can't come close to explaining the shredded, raw nerves, the gaping wound, the endless abyss that is my every waking moment. I understand that she doesn't want to call me because she doesn't want to hear what I have to say, but she could send me a message or communicate somehow. Why is she punishing me? Why does she stay away? Does she care how much it hurts, not just me but the rest of our family too? It kills me that she doesn't think she is worth saving.
No real point to this posting but it felt better to write. Thanks for letting me ramble.

katrinka 03/10/2011

She doesn't call or get in contact because she knows you are disappointed in her, she is disappointed in herself. Addicts don't call because of guilt, they are eat up with it. So she uses drugs to feel any emotion, only the drugs mask the emotions and so she feels nothing.
I found this site awhile back and thought it had some good information, maybe it will help you.
http://www.spiritualriver.com/how-can-i-help-an-alcoholic-or-drug-addict-specific-things-you-can-do-to-help/

deleted_user 03/11/2011

There's not a mom on this site with a drug addicted child that doesn't understand the raw, heartbreaking pain that you are feeling. My son was in another town with no money, no place to live, no phone living in his car in 0 degree weather. I didn't think my mind or heart could ever live.Through a series of events he ended up in jail and is working his way out of drug use so maybe if she gets caught it will be the best thing for her. Atleast you know she's warm, fed and safe. I just wish there was some end in sight for this drug epidemic sweeping out nation. I am almost convinced the doctors are a big contributor, they give anybody a prescription that thinks they have pain. God bless.

Pen125 03/11/2011

Hi there,

There is a point in posting here: relief.

I agree with Katrinka. Addicts might burn down bridges out of shame and guilt. On top of that there comes drug use that numbs emotion..

In order for her to seek help and stick with it, she has to want it HERSELF. I know how terrible it is.. .It drives a sane man to insanity, but addicts don't think the way non addicts do..

I agree with Gill too, doctors are contributing to the epidemic. Pharmaceutical companies are extremely responsible for this nightmare. I wish we weren't as powerless as we are...

Back to personal responsibility though, it's up to your daughter to recover. It's a life long process. And it's up to you, to take care of yourself, educate yourself as much as possible about addiction and her drug of choice so as to keep your head together. Once she asks for help, she'll need her mother.

I am so sorry so many mothers go through this. It's so unfair..

deleted_user 03/11/2011

When she has contacted you, has there been any way for the police to locate her? Honestly jail is the best place for her right now - you will know for certain she is warm and fed, and can't be hurting herself further while she is in there.

I see how hurt you are... and writing and venting does help. There is no judgement here. Seeing a good therapist and being part of a face to face support group would probably be a huge help for you at the moment.

Best wishes

hushpuppyr 03/11/2011

Thanks everyone. Sadly, she has been in jail several times. The last time was for 90 days- the last 60 days was spent "in the hole" which meant locked in her cell alone for 23 hours a day, no visitors, no phone calls, nothing. She has also been to rehab, been cold, hungry and homeless. I'm not even sure if it's the drugs she likes (don't know how often she uses or what she uses. I guess she is what they call a garbage can junkie- she does anything and everything) or if it's the lifestyle she likes. Its a party, it's fun, she's always with friends, doesn't have to answer to anyone, no job. I know the desire and the commitment has to come from her, it just hurts so damn bad. It's like seeing your toddler choke to death but she's just out of reach so all you can do is watch. Some days it's unbearable. Great website katrinka.

yaskwhy 03/11/2011

I'm so sorry to read the heartache that you are feeling now. She is not aware of hurting you, she can't acknowledge/accept that responsibility. you are her mom and she loves you even if you can't feel that right now. Her brain is not working right. She is overpowered and is programmed to not think and not feel anything.

It's not a party anymore. It is denial and rationalization rampant in the addict's thinking to keep doing what they're doing.

It does not matter what drug... does not matter at all.

I spent so many nights praying. I thought my son was going to die. I visualized the light and love of God going out to him wherever he might be and surrounding him and I prayed for his heart to be open.

He came to me. and he is in recovery now.
I pray still. I will keep you and her in my prayer too!

katrinka 03/12/2011

I read a couple books on addiction and all three said not everyone can quit. But for some using drugs to block the receptors has shown to help. Two of the books said as far as meds to control addiction they are making progress in that area.
Here are the books I read.
http://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Substance-Abuse-Science-Should/dp/1606236989/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299904374&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Chemical-Carousel-Science-Beating-Addiction/dp/1439212996/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1299906312&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Dont-They-Just-Quit/dp/0578041197/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299906392&sr=8-1
I put them in the order if I was buying them I would read them.

deleted_user 03/12/2011

The pain you feel is right up there with the pain felt by parents whose child has died. Only, you don't at least have the certainty of knowing her suffering is over. I know different people who have lost a loved one to suicide, or murder, or cancer, or a road crash, the list goes on... it's Grief with a capital G and the only way through it is to talk and express your feelings, and to get support, often this is best from those who have been there.

I know she's been inside several times, but with a warrant out for her arrest, if they find her, she's going back in, surely. It's very sad that she hasn't hit her rock bottom despite so much discomfort and suffering. The power of the drugs is immense. Being contained in jail or a hospital sounds like the only way to keep her alive for now. I hope she gets some help from the system some time. It can't be voluntary, she will just leave.

Pen125 03/12/2011

Your journey is a very rough one. It is obvious your daughter needs serious help, for the time being though there's nothing more to do than to take care of yourself.

Does she have any clean friends? Any kind of support network?

Spending time in the hole is too much, it's unacceptable. Solitary confinment has been proven to be catastrophical for the brain's chemistry. My gosh, I am so upset right now.

It is helpful to know the science behind the craziness of addiction...
I'm ordering one of the books Katrinka suggested, today.

How old is your daughter?

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Pen, you might be interested to know how solitary confinement is used in prisons where I live - it's mainly as a punishment for bad behaviour, a sort of threat to keep them manageable. It's not usually used for periods as long as 60 days though.

Yes, it would be rough to be in solitary confinement, but it happens all over the world, to political prisoners, violent criminals, drug addicts etc etc. In fact, people with active psychosis in a mental hospital might be in solitary confinement for many hours at a time, for safety reasons and/or to reduce stimuli. In the US it's common for restraints to be used, but here it's almost unheard of. The use of restraints, especially on mentally ill people, really makes me upset. So I try to avoid hearing about it.

It must hurt hushpuppyr deeply that her daughter has been in jail several times, but at this stage it might be one of the safest places for her. If there's a warrant, then the court must want her back in front of it for good reason. What happens to her from then on is in the hands of the justice system, for better or worse.

Pen125 03/14/2011

Just want to make a point about solitary confinment in order not to be misunderstood:

Research has shown that people in solitary confinment for extended periods of time often experience mental and emotional breakdowns and psychotic episodes. This is hard science based on long term research, not my personal opinion. The fact that solitary confinment is still applied does not make it right in any way for neither the prisoner nor society. By stating an ethical claim on the use S.C., such as "punishment", we make a methodoligal mistake and end up with a wrong result.

Hush, please be strong for your sake and your daughter's sake. I used to say we should kill hope first... Hoping hurts. At the end of the day though, hope is the only thing we have to hold on to.

deleted_user 03/14/2011

Pen, this isn't a debate about the ethics or otherwise of solitary confinement. You've picked up on just one thing hushpuppy said in her post. She was describing fact, ie what happened to her daughter. I'm no more an advocate of it than the next person. Also, we can't control whether other people misunderstand what we say. We can just be as clear as we can and then it's up to them how they understand it.

There's an old saying, a prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Pen125 03/14/2011

No, of course it's not a debate. It's much more than that, unfortunately.

Solitary confinment, especially long term as in Hush's daughter's case, might be well related to the fact that she is not keeping in touch with her mother. There have been quite a few studies on ostracism and how it derives and relates to neurochemical deregulation. So, I am not picking one fact out, I'm relating it to a series of facts.

Addiction is still being studied and each individual is different. There are times I feel lost in the sea of information but gradually, each bit comes to place. Slowly and painfully at times, but thankfully. Understanding aspects of addiction from a physiological point of view has helped me stop being hurt by and angry at my brother.

Our parents though he was punishing them too, they also asked him time and time again "why are you hurting yourself and us so much", my father has said so many times that his son is junk, that he is not going to recover, that he's a lost cause.

Only when we started educating ourselves about what his drug of choice is doing to his brain, did we start detaching from his reality.

I am not saying that science is able to provide all the answers. But it's good to make correlations and draw conclusions based on hard science. It helps in seeing things from a perspective that makes detaching from pain [more] possible.

Science is one of the ways to detach from pain. Another way is faith and a very open heart.

Detaching from pain is helpful to both the addict and the family of the addict..

deleted_user 03/15/2011

And I hope that you and your parents can each keep increasing your ability to detach, because that is what will get you through this dark time. It's good to have a thirst for knowledge and there is alot of excellent information out there. I highly recommend the book "codependent no more" by melody beattie, and there are some other good book recommendations around here too. Since therapy and meetings aren't such an easy option because of where you live, you may find recovery-related books helpful as part of what you're already doing.

Pen125 03/15/2011

Thanks Hope! Co dependent no more sounds like a book for me :)

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