Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
So I decided that I am not going to bother asking my son if he has used because i dont believe what he tells me anyway. i want so much to believe him but i know that i can't . I hate this life of distrust, suspicion, and worry it really sucks! i have read many posts about never going back to a normal relationship and i know in my heart that is true but this is all still new to me and i think that everything is a process and in time and with experience we learn how to cope i have no choice but to cope i still have a 10 year old and 12 year old that still need their mom not to mention my 18 year old who brought me in to this world of addiction and still needs his mom although in a different way. I do feel resentful to him and im sure that is normal to some degree but on the other hand i am just so thankful he is still here. It is so confusing to have such completely opposite feelings for the same person. I know addiction is a disease so he is really not to blame but I can;t help it. why did he have to start this horrible nightmare? life is full of choices and it seems he always makes the wrong ones yet when he gets caught he says he knows he was wrong blah blah blah I wish i could turn back the clock and do somethings over because of course i feel to blame for alot of this maybe we moved too many times maybe i should have grounded him longer when he smoked pot maybe i should have got him more involved in school functions and sports i dont know but as a mom i do feel like i failed cause look where we are i know i will be told that i am codependent or enabling however i do not enable because my rules have been made and if he breaks them he has to go no exceptions thanks for letting me vent! Peace to all of us!
I thought the same things, I was a single parent, maybe if I was home more (which I worked while he was in school and would be home when he got home, how much more could I have been there?) more sports maybe? (he was in football, soccer, band didn't like them....)...I gave him all the options, it was up to him to focus on them....should I have had him tested for ADHD? How do you know? He went to his regular Dr. appt, he was always okay, just very active....because we 'enable' we are not failing them...we are just not going the extra mile to make sure we are NOT enabling them, so it really isn't a 'blame' tag, it is more of how we react, but as mothers we do what we KNOW to do, feed them, clothe them, make sure they have a warm bed and roof over their heads...and yes we ground them, yell at them, set the rules, and they break them, but when it becomes so excessive and they are adults, then it becomes they are interfering in OUR lives (which it IS our lives right?)....those are the things I HAD to go to therapy to learn, I heard of this enabling, but I didn't quite understand how to not do it or how to do this 'detach' thing I heard about....low and behold when I laid down the house rules and he broke EVERYone of them and I tossed him out, THAT was the detach thing they speak of....
Although it is a 'disease', the addicts truly are to blame, it is THEIR choices to inflict themselves with this, they have been TAUGHT by you, school, all of us that drugs are bad, what they can do to you...they see their friends that are doing them, they KNOW all this...but they live by that 'it can't happen to ME' that I'm immortal feeling until they get in so deep and now their brains, their nerve endings refuse to let them out.
And I hear you, I don't believe a THING that comes out of my 22 year olds mouth...NOTHING....he just hawked his netbook because he needed cigs REALLY? "mom, don't worry, I'm NOT doing drugs" yeah okay....he is full of lies to me...and that will not change until his life does....until he settles his butt down into a place to call his own, has a bed and a roof over his head and has a job, I won't listen to a damn thing he says, I will NOT go out of my way for him....
BUT I wished I had done this 2 years ago! I wished I had tossed his butt out THEN maybe he wouldn't have gotten this far, maybe he would'nt have gone to jail....blah blah blah....I can't change it, I can only move forward...if he wants to live this life, he can do it on his own, NOT under our roof.
I can't blame myself, I can't blame the drug dealers, I can't blame the girl he was with that first turned him onto it, I can only put blame where it is rightfully just, on him, HE made the CHOICE, over and over again, I have taken him to rehab, over and over, I have brought him to the Dr. I have done it all....enough is enough...
So don't blame YOU, it is HIS fault he is where he is....I only have a conversation that is light, I won't listen to the 'noise' anymore....I don't listen when he calls crying, so he knows that and won't do that anymore...he KNOWS that the line has been drawn and will NOT be crossed.
YOU ARE NOT THE FAILURE....HE has the will to say yes or no....PLEASE do not beat yourself up, if you are please please see someone....talk it out to them, beat up the couch cushions when it gets too much, kneel in front of your couch, drag up ALL those angry feelings and take it out on the cushions and if you REALLY want a great release SCREAM IT OUT at the same time....it is an awesome release technique.....
And if you have set your rules of him living with you and drugs are on the 'not to do' list, then arm yourself with home drug tests...and spring them on him, THAT is better than asking and awaiting the lie right? THAT would let him know you are DEAD serious....it's another step toward the non enabling end of things....and he goes IN the bathroom and you stand right there in the doorway....
Hugs to you!
I thought the same things, I was a single parent, maybe if I was home more (which I worked while he was in school and would be home when he got home, how much more could I have been there?) more sports maybe? (he was in football, soccer, band didn't like them....)...I gave him all the options, it was up to him to focus on them....should I have had him tested for ADHD? How do you know? He went to his regular Dr. appt, he was always okay, just very active....because we 'enable' we are not failing them...we are just not going the extra mile to make sure we are NOT enabling them, so it really isn't a 'blame' tag, it is more of how we react, but as mothers we do what we KNOW to do, feed them, clothe them, make sure they have a warm bed and roof over their heads...and yes we ground them, yell at them, set the rules, and they break them, but when it becomes so excessive and they are adults, then it becomes they are interfering in OUR lives (which it IS our lives right?)....those are the things I HAD to go to therapy to learn, I heard of this enabling, but I didn't quite understand how to not do it or how to do this 'detach' thing I heard about....low and behold when I laid down the house rules and he broke EVERYone of them and I tossed him out, THAT was the detach thing they speak of....
Although it is a 'disease', the addicts truly are to blame, it is THEIR choices to inflict themselves with this, they have been TAUGHT by you, school, all of us that drugs are bad, what they can do to you...they see their friends that are doing them, they KNOW all this...but they live by that 'it can't happen to ME' that I'm immortal feeling until they get in so deep and now their brains, their nerve endings refuse to let them out.
And I hear you, I don't believe a THING that comes out of my 22 year olds mouth...NOTHING....he just hawked his netbook because he needed cigs REALLY? "mom, don't worry, I'm NOT doing drugs" yeah okay....he is full of lies to me...and that will not change until his life does....until he settles his butt down into a place to call his own, has a bed and a roof over his head and has a job, I won't listen to a damn thing he says, I will NOT go out of my way for him....
BUT I wished I had done this 2 years ago! I wished I had tossed his butt out THEN maybe he wouldn't have gotten this far, maybe he would'nt have gone to jail....blah blah blah....I can't change it, I can only move forward...if he wants to live this life, he can do it on his own, NOT under our roof.
I can't blame myself, I can't blame the drug dealers, I can't blame the girl he was with that first turned him onto it, I can only put blame where it is rightfully just, on him, HE made the CHOICE, over and over again, I have taken him to rehab, over and over, I have brought him to the Dr. I have done it all....enough is enough...
So don't blame YOU, it is HIS fault he is where he is....I only have a conversation that is light, I won't listen to the 'noise' anymore....I don't listen when he calls crying, so he knows that and won't do that anymore...he KNOWS that the line has been drawn and will NOT be crossed.
YOU ARE NOT THE FAILURE....HE has the will to say yes or no....PLEASE do not beat yourself up, if you are please please see someone....talk it out to them, beat up the couch cushions when it gets too much, kneel in front of your couch, drag up ALL those angry feelings and take it out on the cushions and if you REALLY want a great release SCREAM IT OUT at the same time....it is an awesome release technique.....
And if you have set your rules of him living with you and drugs are on the 'not to do' list, then arm yourself with home drug tests...and spring them on him, THAT is better than asking and awaiting the lie right? THAT would let him know you are DEAD serious....it's another step toward the non enabling end of things....and he goes IN the bathroom and you stand right there in the doorway....
Hugs to you!