Sounds like he has not done his steps. Believing in a higher Power (God) is one step. Sounds like he needs to do some more work. Does he attend meetings? If not, perhaps he should. But since you are not responsible for his recovery...you need to work on you.

I get the whole amends thing. My Ex and sons father never apologized for the horrendous things he did to us. Nor do I look for him any longer to apologize. He would go to church and preach to my sons about God. Then he would cheat and beat me. Some in my opinion are not even truthful to their religion. or beliefs. Some use it as a coverup of who they really are.

Thanks givemeup107.. Not sure if he is still attending the meetings. But yea.. He is a regular there. Hes been doing a lot of step work. But mostly he shuts me out.. He wants to be alone. Put walls. He tried to get back close to me.. Yea he did some efforts but it didnt feel ryt for me.. He has very high walls. He said goood promises.. Good outlook.. But then.. Almost no actions.... I dobt get it. How can one be so reckless with other peoples' hearts nd be seen in church, on fire on worshipping the Lord?

Well I'm not an expert on all the religious beliefs (Although I
Believe with all my heart in God). just my opinion....some go to
Meetings. Some go to church. Some do both. Some just hand out fluff to others to seem like they are doing what they should.

I worked in a rehab volunteering for a few years. What I have learned is just because someone became clean and sober doesn't mean they changed their character. That takes hard work and commitment.

If a friend asked me for advice to your situation I would say that stop looking for him to fill your cup with good things. Fill your own. I know you want the love and validation of what an addict put you threw. No one else needs to validate you.

If he is doing a lot of step work you wouldn't need to question why he isn't making amends. My son is in treatment just shy of a month. I saw in a family group when they talked about a situation that resembled what he did to me...the shame and pain in his face. Amends is remorse. I know it's not the same as an Ex. But feelings are still feelings.

You are hurt and understandable. I would go to alanon or
Codependent meetings and try to concentrate on yourself. Probably not what you want to hear. Expecting someone who couldn't be good to himself to be good to you isnt getting you anywhere. When you can be good to yourself you just may find out that you have deserved better.

Good luck

AND, added to what the others have said....He is your EX....so if the relationship is over, he is no longer thinking about your heart. he is free and clear. He really needs a year of working things out before he can even start to see the forest from the trees. That is the way that is best for him.
I repeat...he is an EX...you need to let it go and move on and be happy.

thanks blueviolet. yea he is my ex.. tho no formal closures. Remember we parted ways just abruptly fr 1 year because he said he could not sustain any relationship. That was one full year of no contact, he was on his own completely. Until recently he started to reconnect with me again. we tried to work it out a little for 3 months by seeing each other once or twice a week, but it did not feel right for me as felt the real issues are not being faced head on. Now he goes no contact again after i also withdrew cos of disappointment for his inconsistency. he could not make clear to me what his intentions are nor pursue me so i see it in actions. now he is focus on himself.. most of the time his boundaries feel like walls. so no contact again.

Sounds like he's doing you a favor. If he hasn't given you closure, you can always give it to him and free yourself of his burden.

Each addict gets and stays clean in their own way. He is doing what he needs to be doing right now to say sober and that in itself is a daily struggle. I would wonder why, since he is your ex it is so important to you that he make amends to your family, and as you said, "careless with my heart." Are you hoping in the back of your mind he will come back?
I hope you will work on you, and why this is bothering you so much and let him work on himself.

I wonder if what you are seeing is how damaged his brain is as a result of his abuse??
physical, emotional, spiritual are all effected.
this can be temporary or permanent ..no way to know.
They can become totally different.

blessusall - yes i realized that just yesterday. I was exchanging messages with and I thought he was so confused with his responses... and he was preaching things to me he was violating in the first place. completely turning the story around. so tempted to attack and to continue with the convo, but I decided not to dive into the stress. It's very hard to balance the love i have for him and the thought that he is NEVER excused to abuse me and step on my boundaries even if there exists an addiction disease.

he need to fix him and you need to care for you. So many times we do not get the apology we want. Addicts are often actors playing the part and there is no better stage then a church. Some of the worst people I have had the misfortune of encountering all went to church and appeared to be devout. ACTIONS always speak volumes and those are what we should watch for.

I like what you wrote moveon...
really good to think about yellowly.
I think many times they are just far sicker than you can grasp and trying to figure them out would make no sense and a waste of your time, efforts and energy that you should be putting toward yourself and others that do make sense to you.

My ex drank his way through the last year of our marriage. Then he left.

He's been through a lot in the past 7 years. Let's just say...the grass wasn't greener. I'm about the only person I know that never wanted Karma, yet got it in spades. (Two of his after divorce girlfriends drank very heavily.)

I got one sort of apology the year after he left. It's only this past summer when he really expressed regret for what he put me through (and appreciation for how I've raised the kids)


I'm not sure what you want for "amends". It may or may not come, but will probably be years in the future if it does.

And like me, it may not matter much anymore.

Thanks Moveon... very well said.