I have driven myself CRAZY trying to figure out why my husband seems not to care. I wonder how he looks in the mirror at himself, how how DARES to yell at me or criticise me when I get upset, how he NEVER apologizes for any of his shit, and how when he says he will think about the things we "discuss" he NEVER gets back to me. AND the morning after an argument or bad event of some sort he wakes up and acts like nothing happened . Intellectually I am aware he engages in magical thinking and denial and manipulation and is an addict with biochemical brain changes.......
But Just WTF!

I do wonder how much is due to brain changes/damage and how much is due to the spiritual part of the disease- their extreme selfishness, being mean, hurtful, uncaring....

Alcohol damages the reasoning portions of the brain. My stbx has completely lost his ability to think rationally about anything imo. His common sense has decided to take a vacation and I have stopped trying to figure out and just assume he is going to be completely unreasonable about everything. Maybe this is the reason we are divorcing...gee ya think? LOL Anyway I also think a lot of alcoholics are narcissists. They drink because they dont want to admit they have painful things to deal with and want to blame everyone and everything for their problems. I mean how the heck could it be the fact they are drunk off their ass making a fool our of themselves, yelling at the people they say they love about how horrible they are when in fact the drunk is the one that i the horrible one. Classic narcissist.

Anyway I wouldnt spend too much more time trying to figure out why and just accept it. They are selfish idiots with no regard for anyone for themselves and unless they are willing to get help and change they will never change.

Our younger recovering adult addict son puts it this way: "Just imagine that you're drowning and someone throws you a thousand-pound bolder. That's how addiction feels."

Through attending N.A. meetings with our son, I learned many valuable things. One of which is this: "Getting clean is NOT the same as getting sober."

Basically, this means that stopping the drinking/using does not stop the behavior. Working a recovery program is required to adjust the behavior and address the character defects that caused and/or resulted in addiction. This is why in A.A. and N.A., for example, it is essential to have a personal sponsor {accountability}, attend meetings {support}, and work the 12-steps {character development}.

Another grain of wisdom I've learned is that if the recovering addict isn't ACTIVELY working his recovery, he is ACTIVELY relapsing. We witnessed this with our older adult recovering addict. He got clean and stayed clean for a long while, only to relapse because he never got a sponsor and he quit working his recovery. Our younger recovering addict has explained to us that relapse actually happens long before the addict takes his first drink/drug. Relapse leads to drinking/using, that's why it's imperative to constantly work your recovery.

Working the recovery is especially difficult for those who began drinking/using at a young age, and/or drank/used for an extended period of time. During the time of using, the addict escapes bad feelings and conflict and therefore never learns to cope. This lack of coping ability makes their recovery much more difficult because sooner or later during recovery, they will be forced to face their demons and deal with them.

One member of our local N.A., now in his later 40's, stated that this is the first time in his entire life he's actually "felt" his feelings. He began drinking and using as a pre-teen. He's only been clean about 2 months in his entire adult life and now, in mid-life, has no clue how to deal with all these feelings that he's experiencing. While the rest of us were growing up and gradually developing coping skills, others were escaping through alcohol and drugs which left them mentally and emotionally frozen in childhood. This man states that mentally and emotionally, he's only a teenager.

I've heard recovering alcoholics/addicts say over and over again how desperately they wanted to get clean and sober, but how paralyzed, out-of-control, and helpless they felt. Our own adult recovering addict son, now 60 days clean, has stated many times that the life of an addict/alcoholic is absolutely exhausting...always trying to figure out how and where you can get your next fix without anyone knowing or finding out, the energy it requires to fake it every day all day, the shame and worthlessness they feel at what they allowed themselves and their life to become, and yes, even the regret at all the people they just keep hurting again and again even though they desperately want to be able to stop.

The lashing out is a feeble mask for the pain the addict experiences. The best thing you can do to help him is to hold him accountable for his behavior and encourage him to get help. The rest is up to him.