Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Do I ask my son to leave?

dmatt124
dmatt124
My son (23) is an addict, he has relapsed, but this time, is reluctant to get help. My husband, daughter and I have done everything possible. About 3 months ago, he got a job and does very well, however, he is using, we drug test him, and it comes up postive. We told him in no uncertain terms, that him using is not acceptable, and if he did , he was going to choose to leave our home. This weekend he went out, and didn't call or come home, we asked him to stop his direct depostie. nothing, it has become a constant drain on all of us. On sunday when he finally arrived home he came with a letter for me and my husband and one for his twin sister, 3 pages, of sorry, he needs help, he loves us, everything as a parent you want to believe but after one year of this roller coaster we also no that his words are hollow. I told him I no longre listen with my ears, but I hear with my eyes. So we told him that he had to tell us what he was going to do to get help, he had 2 options in or out patient. I know he is worried about his, job, but at this point, he will eventually lose that anyway. When we asked last night, he said in his condescending way, he is weighing his options! We know what we have to do and I know it is the hardest thing I will probably ever do in my life, but can someone please tell me do I have any other options left. I know there must be consequences, and he hasn't really felt any me and my husband have felt them all, putting him through college, spending over $250,000 and he is shy 6 credits, buying cars, putting money in his account,paying for out patient rehab out of our own pockets, the lose was all ours. But we are now done, we are no longer fools and we want our son well and sober. I thank anyone for your suggestions, advice and encouragement if there is any.
azkevin
azkevin
First thing - don't enable his addiction. This is his problem to deal with himself, not yours. No hand holding, justifying, or making excuses for him. Tell him you love him, and you would support him emotionally with any recovery he attempts. Sometimes giving an allowance, car, and shelter is just creating an environment where the addiction can continue.

Second thing - take care of yourself, you husband, and your daughter first. Don't let your son's addiction ruin your lives. It's already destroying one life, there's no reason it has to destroy other lives. If that means you need to kick him out or cut him off to save yourself, feel no guilt or shame in that. You've done what you can, and it is up to him to fix himself.
dmatt124
dmatt124
Thank you! Azkevin.
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I paid my son's rent, college (both times he quit or was kicked out) and finally, medical bills and legal fees....when we could not and would not, he was losing his apartment, lost his job and he went to a charity hospital for help. Then he went to a homeless shelter/treatement center and on to a rehab, halfway house and then sober living house. I closed up the apartment, saved alot of his stuff, and told him if I ever was in that position again, it would all go in the trash. He got sober at your son's age, and has 2 years 7 months and 3 weeks.
we enabled, I did not know better...I let him get public defenders after a while, but still helped with rent...so I have not lived the example...but knowing what I do now? Have him go. you said you would. if he is homeless or unemployed or both, he probably can get more help...if he chooses it.
and my daughter and son still don't talk because she was fed up with living with all this...she probably bearly forgives us.
He is an adult. whatever he does, you have no control over. live by your boundaries and offer him unconditional love. I call it failing forward to success. Take care of yourself. I have been there. so sorry.
cardinal39
cardinal39
going through the same thing,,,, if you stated that under no circumstances are "you" using in "my" home,,, stick to it,,,,, don't enable,, going through the same thing with my daughter,,, however she is living in a three quarter home right now,,, but of course she has the option of leaving anytime she wants,,,, I've recently learned that when they are in recovery,,, this is their recovery,,, we can not control, or cure,,or are we the cause for their addicition,,,,

I agree with azkevin,,, my addiction became always watching, and seeing if my daughter was using,, or constanly worring what she was doing or where she was,, looking at every cornor,,,, stop,,,,, let him go,,, get "your" life managable,,, surrender him to your Higer power,,,, mine is God,,, and I pray to Him to protect, take care, and help her find her way,,,,,,, it takes time,,,,,, good luck,, and honestly if I can let go,,, anyone can,,,, I happen to be the please, fixer, and bandaid in the family
Lynnedz56
Lynnedz56
The worst thing you can do is say you are going to do something and NOT do it. So, kick him out. My daughter is 28 and living with a crack addict and is herself addicting to pain meds. She knows I don't play those games. And yes, there are times it hurts knowing she's on a downward spiral. But I have given her my experience, strength and hope and told her how I feel. And that is all I can do. I give her no money and do not let her and crackhead come here. I have a 7 year old granddaughter and when I found out they had no food, I call Child Services. I learned the hard way what "enabling" addicts can do. And sadly, for now, all the addicts in my life still use. But it no longer has to destroy my life. And believe me, your daughter will begin to resent her brother. My son who is 23 and trying to do the "right" things, has more than once made comments that all we seem to do is care about his sister because she messes up all the time.
dmatt124
dmatt124
Thank you all so much for your inpute and words of kindness, I recently joined this group and it is so helpful to have a group of people who understand the pain, hurt, dissappointment, confusion and mostly the havak that I can allow or not to allow it to create.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was never good at following through on my threats and in turn enabled. But we do that out of love. We were so hurt and mad the second time my son relapsed and was arrested and gave him a taste of tough love. He was in another state and I told him he made his choice we were through. I did start taking his calls but he spent several months in jail and we did not see him for 18 months. He ws sentenced to a rehab by the state and it ended up changing his life. He has been clean for 2 1/2 years and his own apt., works and is also going to school. My youngest son also got arrested and got since he was not working he got into a state run rehab. No frills, we spent a fortune on my first son and he kept relapsing. I said I could not do it again and this program has worked so far for my youngest. He has been clean 7 months. When I was talking to him and told him I know I enabled he said onthing would have worked anyway at that time I had to be ready to change. Anything can work when the person is ready. I understand what you are going through and how hard this is on you. If you feel you can't throw him out tell him he has to look into how to get into a place without insurance. It is not easy to find but there are some programs that will take them. I told them I love you and will support you in doing the right thing but I will no longer let you ruin my life over something I can not fix. Keeping you in my prayers.
mom-of-3
mom-of-3
First of all ~ I feel for you in a big way. According to the "experts" there are no right or wrong answers. What may work for one person ~ may not work for another. I've been on DS for a long time and I remember "back then" when I'd ask for advice ~ it sometimes would become more stressful for me. Some people were quick to say "throw him out" (he was only 16) and others would offer things that (in hindsight) was not very good advice. I'm glad I didn't listen to them. Then there were the ones who were helpful. They didn't tell me what to do but rather ~ they told me what worked or didn't work for them.

That said ~ you obviously know that you cannot enable him - you said it yourself. The Serenity Prayer always helps me. Going to Al Anon too. I pray for guidance for you. I know it's tough. God Bless.
katrinka
katrinka
Mom of 3 is right, there are no right answers. Set some boundaries first.
According to Stanton Peale young adults experiment, doesn't mean they are an addict yet. So what drugs is your using? The brain plays games in the addicts head so it not so easy to get back on track once you used again. The brain tells the person, use just a little or it keeps trying to get the same high when the person first started using. Except they are always chasing for the high that will not come again.
So when he uses he is very disappointed in himself, full of remorse. But in a couple of days that is gone and the brain is back to wanting the drugs. Depending on what he uses there are some drugs that block receptors or other methods so person can stop craving drugs. it like the Nicotine patch which is to help with cravings. They were working on developing a patch to help drug users quit, but I don't think they have it figured out yet.
Here's a site with some helpful information on how to help a family member. http://www.way2hope.org/family-articles/help-addict-recover.htm
deleted_user
deleted_user
Two of my sons wiped me out financially due to their addictions...!! I provided both of them financial and emotional support ...Rehabs, Attorneys Fees, fines and fees for drug testing, pretrial, probation, public defenders etc....It is never ending. Now, I am locked into an unstable environment wondering if I will ever be free of this nightmare. Please be careful ! You don't want to end up like me.

My sons have made some progress...They are no longer addicted to Oxys but both still drink a lot....!! The youngest now has a full-time job & loves it...My other son has been accepted into a two year rehab/prison sentence that is about 6 hours from home. He doesn't go until Jan 13th...Hopefully, he won't violate his probation before then...But like I said....It never ends !!

I wake up every morning with a panic attack and have to fight this feeling of doom every day !! Its tough....