Hi there, I was having a break from the group when you were here before. I too have gone into a new relationship quickly after ending the previous one, more than once. It never worked out well for me, but that's not to say it would be the same for you.

It's very common for us to do this, and the reasons for it are complex. I've made some comments below - please don't view them as criticisms or advice, they are just observations and questions to help you in your own processing.

"It feels so weird to have another man in my life."
Could this be your inner voice/gut feeling trying to speak to you? Just a question.

" He does have a past but doesn't everyone."
Of course we all do, but your own past (Bill) actually makes you more likely to be attracted to someone with an interesting past.

"I got to know him as the man he is today prior to him telling me he spent 10 months in prison 6 years ago."
Perhaps he thinks his prison time would be an issue for potential partners. If he is truly comfortable with it being the key turning point that saved him, wouldn't he want to tell people straight away? I think I would. Also, what was the offence that led him to prison?

"... never in my wildest dreams did I ever dream I would give a man who spent time behind prison walls a chance to love me."
Inner voice again? And why are his feelings towards you the focus, rather than your feelings towards him?

"...he was man enough to tell me."
That's the least he should do - I don't think he should earn bonus points for it. What steps have you taken to ensure that there isn't a worse history there that he's not telling you?

"He is also in recovery and is much closer to God because of it. "
What activities does he regularly do in his recovery - does he attend meetings, if so how many per month, have you met anyone like a sponsor, friend, or counsellor? Be alert to the difference between words and actions. Remember anyone with a history of addiction will have honesty issues, no doubt about it. A person in genuine recovery would be very honest about their previous lies.

"Am I wrong to give this man a chance? He is so good to me."
They are always charmers at the start, that's how they reel us in. The fact that you are asking us this question suggests you are unsure yourself. The decision to be with him is yours alone - you need to be 100% sure for yourself.

"His family has supported him in his journey to put the pieces of his life back together."
Which family members, could there be one or more that he is not telling you about? And have you met the ones he is talking about? Could they be addicts or codependent enablers in the past or present? If so, how are they dealing with this?

"I also told my family and one of my children about the time he spent, actually he told my son."
How old are your kids? It is very soon after the divorce, and a very young relationship. Depending on their age and your relationship with them, it's important to give the right amount of information at the right time. I have no idea about your situation so can't comment. Kids of any age take a long time to adapt to separation, and having a new partner can make it harder for them (not always though).

"He is very open and honest with people although he has lost friends because of his charge."
Is he honest or does hejust appear honest? We lose friends all the time - sometimes because we are in the wrong, other times because the friends are.

Please be very careful and take it slowly. You need to give yourself time to recover too.
It is very scary how vulnerable we can be when we have just come out of an abusive relationship.
Good luck and take it really slowly, and carefully. I would hate to see you hurt again, or taken advantage of. You have already been through so much.

I was thinking of you the other day!!! You sound good, and I think people can change. We all make mistakes, so it this guy is good to you, has had some considerable time sober from drugs and or drink then I'm happy for you!
As for Bill you did all you could and now its up to him.
Hugs!

Holdontohope...thank you so much for taking the time to respond so specifically. I can't address each question but I will do my best. My inner voice is always trying to speak to me and I do listen as best i can. Bill left last July and I was completely alone to grieve other than texting him from time to time. I had no romantic feelings for him and vs versa. I'm not sure I understand where you say "interesting past", but what I will tell you is that I have a pattern of attracting men with addiction issues. This particular man obviously had some and may still have some sex addictions but is open about his struggle with it. His charge was "possesion of child pornography" on his computer. Yes, he does tell people straight away in certain instances. I am doing my best to take it slow because there are some lingering questions but not many. I read him my post to you and your replies. He was not alarmed. I can tell him most anything and he can too. Time will tell if he is someone I truly love. I know I need to give myself time.

My daughter is 21 and lives on her on. My son is just turning 19 and lives with me. My son told him when he sat him down " I don't think any less of you. If anything it makes me think of you as a stronger person". I was amazed at my son's forgiving and non judgemental heart.

I'm not sure what you mean about "his feelings being my focus and not mine "

gotta go for now, oh, by the way, my ex has rang twice and hung up since our divorce. I have not heard from him in over 3 months and now he starts to play games again. I didn't call back or text. I'm so thankful I don't feel the need.

I would rather love a man with addictions i know about and we can talk about. I do not feel threatened by him at all nor do I feel he is a threat to society. I just never thought I would have the guts to not care what others think and I'm sure those who know are thinking I'm a lunatic for dating this man. I will take it a day at a time and you and others will be here which is a very good thing.

thank you so much

I'm new here myself but I just wanted to say that while I'm sorry your marriage has ended, I'm happy for your new beginning. Are you wrong to be with another person who is in recovery? Well, nobody is perfect. We all certainly have made mistakes in our lives. So are you wrong to give this man a chance? No. I don't think so. You know better than anyone...

It's sad to hear that your ex husband was looking rough. To me that says that maybe he's not clean. I don't want to assume, but, at least you can count your blessings that is something you no longer have to deal with again.

I'm glad to hear you're doing well and moving on with your life. It sounds as though you're in a good place! :)

What I would recommend you do is ensure that he does not have access to your computer - get professional advice about how to install monitoring software, so that you can be sure he hasn't accessed it. If he slips back into active child porn addiction, and uses your computer for it, you could be arrested.

Someone who I was friends with years ago was convicted of a similar offence and served prison time. He had a long history viewing child porn online. He relapsed after he got out, but his sentence that time was just community work or something. In Australia, sex offenders get programs to help them, but the re-offending rate is very high compared to other crimes.

If he is truly open and honest with you, then he will allow you to request his police record or something like that. Maybe he can give you the name of a police officer or prison officer who can talk with you on your own.

If you ever have children at your house or in his presence, you have duty to tell their parents beforehand so they can choose whether to let their children there. People can install hidden cameras, for example. I don't know about you, but I'm not smart enough to know where they are hidden, and would need a PI to look for me.

You may want to find out (not from him) if he has any legal conditions on him at the moment - for example he may not be allowed within a certain distance of schools, or to have any contact with children.

As a mother, are you genuinely comfortable with the fact that your friend, (at least) viewed and kept photos of children's breasts, genitals, buttocks etc for his sexual arousal? These children may have been sexually assaulted in the process, and almost certainly were emotionally abused. Each one will now have a journey of healing that they have to undertake.

I say at least viewed, because there is no way of knowing if he also took photos of children himself, or had sexual relations with a minor, or committed any of a range of criminal offences associated with pedophilia. Let's not dress it up as sex addiction. It's pedophilia.

cis14him just have your guard up and see what happens. Since it has been 6 years and people can change I hope for you he did. Remember your past and take it slow.

Holdontohope.

I say at least viewed, because there is no way of knowing if he also took photos of children himself, or had sexual relations with a minor, or committed any of a range of criminal offences associated with pedophilia. Let's not dress it up as sex addiction. It's pedophilia. " "This I know for a fact absolutely did not happen." I see him interact with his family, nieces and nephews. His brother allows him to babysit for his niece who is 3. I see no indication of sexual abuse.

I do so appreciate all your insight. I realize I need to be open to all possibilities. So far he has been very open with me. He told my daughter today who is 21 of his offense. She took it hard and needs time to process.

He is on probation for 4 more years. He did give me his probation officers number a few months back when I had concerns but his officer said he could not talk to me unless it was in person with Time present. I don't exactly remember but i do have his number. He is a registered sex offender "level 2". His plan is to have it changed when he gets the money for an attorney.
I did place a bit of distance in our relaitonship today which is very difficult. He is a very sweet man and I do believe he has changed.

I do want to keep intouch with you all as time permits because I know I will need some more insight as this progressess so thank you.

I don't know what parole is like where you live, I can only speak for what happens in Australia. Here, it would be very unusual for someone on parole after a conviction for possession of child porn to not have some conditions on their parole. Usually they are not allowed to have any contact with minors.

I don't know if you have met his brother or been able to get to know him, but I personally would never allow a convicted sex offender to be alone with my child. It's like employing a recovering alcoholic to work in your bar. Sometimes the people who employ the alcoholic are alcoholics too, or they don't have enough knowledge about alcoholism and they think it'll be ok. And sometimes it might be ok.

I strongly feel that offenders should be supported to rehabilitate, whatever their crime. We should give people a second chance at life. The reasons for offending are complex, and often the person was abused themselves, which somehow contributed to their own offending. I try not to judgmental. But I am a very risk-averse person too. Something like 1 in 3 women have been sexually abused, most of them by family members. My heart goes out to the victims/survivors - they're the ones I care the most about.

Tryinghard...

I really am in a good place. I feel I made the right choice but letting go of my marriage. My husband has gained weight so I'm thinking he is not using cocaine or narcotics any longer. Those were his two drugs of choice. He may be in his depressive cycle where he tends to gain weight. I just don't know. I'm glad it's not my worry any longer though.

I feel sort of sad today because I have been a bit of emotional distance between my new relationship and I. I miss him very much. I feel my uncertainty is not fair to him. He is so in love with me and and I feel I am falling in love with him but I need more time to try to decide. Can you still be in love with someone but not be as certain because you have just ended a marriage and are trying to do things by the book? There is also his past that keeps getting in the way. Of course i am allowing it to because I am letting others opinion affect what i'm thinking.

I don't like this transition but I guess it has to be done. I do believe my present relationship is a very healthy one. This man is very mature and does not have control issues. He is definitely not a liar or manipulator. I guess only time will tell if I can live with a man who has spent time in prison and not care what others think. I do care for him so very much.

Holdontohope...he has not been convicted of molesting or trying to exploit a young child. He viewed underage girls, not children. Anyone under 18 is considered a minor. He simply thought these girls were older. I am keeping my guard up although my instinct tells me is has changed and his close relationship with God has helped him. I also had a relationship with a young man but he was 19 when we first kissed. Prior to that we talked for about 2 years off and on via text and in person so I do know that attraction to a young person is possible.

I'm really not sure what is going to happen. The good thing is that we are able to talk about everything. I really appreciate your advice and this is why I am here to help me as I try to transition from marriage to being single.

Not to sound mean, but you are a passionate type person and rush into things. You need to take it slow and give yourself time to just find out who and what you want. You do not need or have to have a man in your life. It really is thw worst thing to do and not recommended, but I know how you are and your highs and lows.

Katrinka...you right..I do realize I need time. I have told him I need some time but I just told him last night. He didn't contact me or text me incesently which was a good sign for me. We are still communicating but he has offered to do his best to keep it light and not tell me how much he loves me although he has not stuck to it. I can tell he is very scared of losing me. He knows he won't find another woman to love him unconditionally like I have. I say he is wrong but he was alone for 5 years prior to me.

As for Bill, he wants to come by for cake and ice cream tomorrow. i did tell him he is welcome along with his mother, brother and if he wants his girlfriend, I'm rethinking this though and will keep you posted.

Heck no you don't want Bill, the girlfriend over it will set you back. I know I promise. I think your still not fully over him and that is going to take time. You were married for a long time.
People will addicted personnalities will call, text alot, they tend to say they love you too fast and are looking for someone to take care of them in way. Just be aware of that with other guy he is rushing it. Plus don't love anyone unconditionally, make sure they love you for who you are and will always do for you as you would do for them. Don't settle, not that I think you would. I think your just a nice person and want someone to love you and treat you good.

Katrinka...he did say I love you too soon but he has never been a text freak . He actually , so far has been mature, but it is still too early. He did message on fb saying "I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, I NEED YOU and I WANT YOU TO BE MINE FOREVER."

I'm taking his behavior from this point forward as a learning experience. How he behaves now will help me determine if I want to continue. I can't say I can hold it against him because I was the same way with Bill and also other relationships but this is my future so I will be careful. I'm glad I came back to this group.

I think I'm going to contact Bill tonight and tell him I'm not sure about tomorrow.