Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
So, our son is 22, he has been doing drugs since 19, loads of drinking since 16, went into the service at 17 after finishing high school w/diploma early. He has boomeranged in and out of our home, disrupting our lives. It is just myself and my hubby, but he has put SUCH a strain on our marriage, my hubby is very quiet about it all.
He enrolled into college and began in september, we knew he had to be out of the dorm for the month of Dec and told hi to come here for that time, he did, we also discussed that at the end of spring semester he would need to find another place to live other than here. He was fine with that. Low and behold, two days before he was due back to classes, he told me he flunked out. The whole time telling me about his essays and good grades, blah blah blah..so he used his GI bill for a place to party but couldn't do the school work?...he had packed his bags and going to ny with a friend from school and his dad. I told him to give me the keys and he would need to find somewhere to go, let me know when he's settled and I'd send him his remaining stuff, he seemed fine with that. Telling me he was only smoking weed, and me telling him he was NOT living a sober life, that still contributed to his addictions and that I KNEW damn well it didn't stop at weed, he was using mushrooms, coke, etc. Well, listen, I'm no fool, on Christmas day he didn't even have a CARD for us. And we each asked him if he had gotten something for each parent, he said yes and waited until xmas eve to say he didn't. How cold is that? I would've bought a little something for his stepdad and visa versa. He didn't care. On xmas day in front of the whole family, he was in the bathroom every 5 minutes with a runny nose....I was in my 20s during the 80's, like I dont' know when someone is sniffing coke? He lies, lies lies.....
So he called the other day, all crying, he has no money, no where to go, can he come back now, he's hungry? I told him it wasn't an option, nor did I make it one, he needs to live his own life, I had had enough of the lies, well then he got yelling and angry, I hung up, then he texted, this went on for 2 hours, and the rollercoaster, first being rude, then being blaming that it was all my fault I was an awful mother, whatever, I WAS NOT, and then so sweet, he wanted me to call for a good talk not bad and he wanted to play the guitar for me. Two minutes prior telling me to buy a headstone for him as he was going to hang himself.
I have had him in and out of rehab several times. He has VA health benefits he can use, he KNOWS where to go to get help.
When he lives here, he puts food under his bed and we found weed, coke residue, food in his closet, he NEVER flushes the toilet after pooping, which is soooo gross, come on he's 22 for God's sake. Eats all our food, has his friends coming in at 12am to use the bathroom as they drop him off. Doesn't care that we get up very early for work. Then had a girl stay over which he KNOWS is not allowed under our roof, it isn't a hotel! And said 'what is the big deal anyway?' REALLY?
So now, here I am, I have not been able to function normally. I made an appt for a psychologist visit. I know I need help.
I KNOW in my heart this is the right thing that I did. I can not allow myself to enable him any more.
WORST part is someone was calling here all month on his break with a JOB FOR HIM. Why did he NOT TAKE IT knowing he was not going to be back at school? Why all the lies? But he has money for his drugs, cigs and booze. He is disrespectful to both of us and my hubby doesn't say a thing about it and that just puts the strain on us.
I'm trying to put myself back together, but the mommy part is doing the 'oh is he out in the cold, no food and here I am having a roast beef dinner'...then the other half of me is saying 'yeah well if he wasn't so selfish and rude and beligerent, then he'd be here eating it too'.....
Please someone tell me that you KNOW what I'm feeling that this is NORMAL in the family of an addict and that I'm not mentally scarred and that one day I will be happy and want to go out of my home, some days I don't leave for 3-4 days at a time, I don't want to see any of my friends, this has been LONG ENOUGH...I use to be such a social butterfly, full of life and love....now I feel like an old recluse with not much to offer anyone. And I don't think my hubby cares so much for me anymore. We don't talk to much about 'feelings' around this house.
Thanks for reading,
Totally sick and tired.
He enrolled into college and began in september, we knew he had to be out of the dorm for the month of Dec and told hi to come here for that time, he did, we also discussed that at the end of spring semester he would need to find another place to live other than here. He was fine with that. Low and behold, two days before he was due back to classes, he told me he flunked out. The whole time telling me about his essays and good grades, blah blah blah..so he used his GI bill for a place to party but couldn't do the school work?...he had packed his bags and going to ny with a friend from school and his dad. I told him to give me the keys and he would need to find somewhere to go, let me know when he's settled and I'd send him his remaining stuff, he seemed fine with that. Telling me he was only smoking weed, and me telling him he was NOT living a sober life, that still contributed to his addictions and that I KNEW damn well it didn't stop at weed, he was using mushrooms, coke, etc. Well, listen, I'm no fool, on Christmas day he didn't even have a CARD for us. And we each asked him if he had gotten something for each parent, he said yes and waited until xmas eve to say he didn't. How cold is that? I would've bought a little something for his stepdad and visa versa. He didn't care. On xmas day in front of the whole family, he was in the bathroom every 5 minutes with a runny nose....I was in my 20s during the 80's, like I dont' know when someone is sniffing coke? He lies, lies lies.....
So he called the other day, all crying, he has no money, no where to go, can he come back now, he's hungry? I told him it wasn't an option, nor did I make it one, he needs to live his own life, I had had enough of the lies, well then he got yelling and angry, I hung up, then he texted, this went on for 2 hours, and the rollercoaster, first being rude, then being blaming that it was all my fault I was an awful mother, whatever, I WAS NOT, and then so sweet, he wanted me to call for a good talk not bad and he wanted to play the guitar for me. Two minutes prior telling me to buy a headstone for him as he was going to hang himself.
I have had him in and out of rehab several times. He has VA health benefits he can use, he KNOWS where to go to get help.
When he lives here, he puts food under his bed and we found weed, coke residue, food in his closet, he NEVER flushes the toilet after pooping, which is soooo gross, come on he's 22 for God's sake. Eats all our food, has his friends coming in at 12am to use the bathroom as they drop him off. Doesn't care that we get up very early for work. Then had a girl stay over which he KNOWS is not allowed under our roof, it isn't a hotel! And said 'what is the big deal anyway?' REALLY?
So now, here I am, I have not been able to function normally. I made an appt for a psychologist visit. I know I need help.
I KNOW in my heart this is the right thing that I did. I can not allow myself to enable him any more.
WORST part is someone was calling here all month on his break with a JOB FOR HIM. Why did he NOT TAKE IT knowing he was not going to be back at school? Why all the lies? But he has money for his drugs, cigs and booze. He is disrespectful to both of us and my hubby doesn't say a thing about it and that just puts the strain on us.
I'm trying to put myself back together, but the mommy part is doing the 'oh is he out in the cold, no food and here I am having a roast beef dinner'...then the other half of me is saying 'yeah well if he wasn't so selfish and rude and beligerent, then he'd be here eating it too'.....
Please someone tell me that you KNOW what I'm feeling that this is NORMAL in the family of an addict and that I'm not mentally scarred and that one day I will be happy and want to go out of my home, some days I don't leave for 3-4 days at a time, I don't want to see any of my friends, this has been LONG ENOUGH...I use to be such a social butterfly, full of life and love....now I feel like an old recluse with not much to offer anyone. And I don't think my hubby cares so much for me anymore. We don't talk to much about 'feelings' around this house.
Thanks for reading,
Totally sick and tired.
We had to kick our son out (same types of behavior) and it did feel like someone died for quite a while.
But this last year, he admitted it was the best thing to happen to him. He's also accomplished a few things to take care of business this year. I don't know if he's completely sober or not, but we just could not put up with the crap any more, and told him so.
My heart goes out to you, but hold on. you need to save your own life, and sometimes there are no alternatives to what you did.
Hold on.
If he can do it, anyone can.
I didn't throw him out, he had left, but I waited for the phone call that he was dead. I waited for him to get help. I felt horrible and hopeless and helpless. I turned it all over to God, because I did realize that I could do nothing.
Keep faith, have hope. Rest and be good to yourself.
My addict is my brother and I can tell you for sure that my parents and I thought we were crazy, overreacting, almost paranoid, until we started realising what addiction does to people.
Even to this very day, my brother - at the age of 34 and with a one year old in his hands born suffering from withdrawal as the mother never stopped using her heroin even during pregnancy - is adamant that the child is doing "great", that he is "fine" and that the only problme is money, as both he and the g/f are not working. So, "will you give some money dad, the baby is hungry and I am hungry and I need money to pay the rent, etc".
There is an elephant in the room. A big elephant with a big trunk smashing things around. Everyone can see him, everyone is injured by the debris flying around, but not the addict. The addict will tell you that you're over reacting.
It's good you're getting help for youself! I'm not a parent myself, but I've seen what addiction does to a parent. I'm really sorry whenever I see a new member here, but then again, opening up and asking for help equals to holding on to dear life.
I hope your son asks for help too..
Bambusue, thank you for your story, I'm hoping this will have the same effect and work out ok.
Blueviolet: I pray every day for him, more than once during the day, when the awful thoughts start happening, I just turn it to prayer, I'm hoping God hears me. Congrats to your son, It is a good story to hear.
dmatt124: this is the only child I have and will have. I wouldn't call it brave, I would call it just have had enough. I took such good care of him, divorced his birth father for the same type of issues, we hadn't seen him since my son was 2, no child support, no help from his family and raised this child by myself until my 2nd hubby came along when he was 10, I worked hard, sacrificed alot and taught him all the lifes lessons to help him avoid making mistakes, but he was deaf to the lessons I guess and I realized how much I have done and just felt that it was enough, he needs to do for himself now. Sometimes I don't call it brave, I think I'm weak because I just can't watch what is happening to him anymore.
Pen125: I'm so sorry that you have to grow up in that environment, but I'm happy to hear that you have learned the lessons of what NOT to do and that you seem to be dealing with it very well and very adjusted. I am sad to hear about the baby being born that way, that is so sad. I will keep you all in my prayers as well.
I didn't answer the phone, I felt bad, but I am not ready to hear any more lies and to be 'buttered up' for him to ask me again so that I have to repeat myself again.
I hope this is the right thing I am doing for him. I hope that he understands why I am doing this and that it is not that I don't love him, it is not that I am walking away in his 'time of need' but trying to allow him to figure out HOW he wants his own life to be and that we have to live our life in a better environment without the drama/trauma of his life.
I pray that he finds his way and that I find strength to NOT pick up that phone.
I pray that we ALL find strength to learn to let go of the guilt, the feeling of hopelessness and the feeling that we are the only ones that can help. It is the addicts that need to find the strength to help themselves. It is us that needs to keep reminding ourselves that we have our life to live, not live their lives for them.
Have you ever read the book Don't Let Your Kids Kill You? I've read it three times already and learn something new every time. Going to a therapist is also a good idea. Perhaps I'm at that point.
I went to therapist on friday, he actually found it refreshing that a patient came to him, self diagnosed and understanding all the emotions and reflexes to those emotions. Yeah, I'm not crazy, just hurt, pissed and anxious. My anxiety attacks (that I use to have when I was married to his father) have returned. I like this Dr. as he does NOT prescribe, I don't even take aspirins unless I am in pain. I have a high level of pain threshold, unfortunatley it does not work on my emotions. BUT we are going to continue to help combat the depressed and anxious feelings. I actually know all this, but need the refresher at this point as my thoughts race, and yeah, to be totally open, I have had those "I want to end it..." thoughts. And I told him and laughed when I said it out loud and ended it with 'but we know I would NEVER act on it as I'm too selfish to do that...".....It is more of an outlet for ME to know that I needed some help to refocus my life.
Our son has been in touch with us and he is living with a friends family but after watching some videos realize that he has more issues than he wants to admit and he KNOWS he should be getting some help, but chooses not to.
My new mantra is "IT IS HIS CHOICE on how he wants to live his life. It is HIS choice if he doesn't get the help he needs, he has FULL health benefits from the service. For if it was MY choice, he wouldn't be living like this."
I pray for all of us on this board, that one day this will end, that these flipping drugs will stop hurting families. But until then, we have here.