Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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depression breakthrough?

deehigs
deehigs
Hi friends, I had a bad 2 days mon n tues. Mattt walked to the "bank" monday night and i knew that was not true. Of course later on he was out of it and i knew he used something just wasn't sure what it was. Turns out that it was ketamine like some of you thought when I posted last week . The clue was when i was talking to him his eyes ( the actual eyeball) was jumping in his head like 2 mexican jumping beans so i did my research and found out plenty about this drug. Of course when I was questioning him on what he took he said nothing give me a drug test if you don't believe me so I did and everything on there he was negative but I only have 12 panel test so he knew it wouldn't get picked up. He went to bed I kept a good eye on him all night. Tuesday he went to work at 5 am and i went through his room with a fine tooth comb took me 3 hours I checked every remote control battery compartment every video game case 100s every article of clothing he owns pockets etc I even pulled the carpet back in the closet to make sure I didn't miss anything. I came up empty handed. So while he was at work he started texting me mom im sorry i worried you last night blah blah blah I didn't answer him. more texts came still i didn't answer. Now the phone calls come why won't you answer me. Finally i simply told him I am broken and sad and tired of living this life he has a choice to make get help or get out. As much as i do not want him to leave I know i can not live like this much longer. My husband and I are on the same page the problem is my 12 yr old.She is a very sweet big hearted kid and she does not want him to leave she has the same fear as i do he won't ever come back because he will die. I have tryed my best to shield them (her younger sister too) from as much of it as i can but it is nearly impossible when you all live together. It breaks my heart to see the pain he has caused to them . I know I am not alone in this but at these most trying times you can't help but feel like you are. So I sent my 2 girls to my friends house to be with her 2 girls and so we could have a talk when they got home last night. I was ready to let him go I was hoping he would choose wisely and agree to getting help but if it came down to it i was gonna show him the door. at first when he came in he was very sullen and just went to get something to eat in the kitchen so I said we need to talk.... Why? he says . I lost it I am not proud but I just lost it I started yelling at him and saying are you effin kidding me why? Look what you are continuing to do I punched the kitchen cabinet and said you at least owe me the respect after all we have done to try n help you to listen to me and your father. He was defiant and said he would just leave i said you are gonna end up dead or in jail he said I don't care i hope i do. at this point I turned my cellphone on record without him knowing cause i want to capture him stating he dont care if he lives or dies he starts saying he is a piece of shit who has ruined his entire family he is sick and tired of letting us down n he dont know how to stop. He hates what he has done it makes him sick to his stomach that he used heroin in the past and he knows he is worthless and no good. I know that most of you will feel like he is just trying to manipulate and i would have probably agreed w you except he then started crying and I mean he was really crying and he NEVER crys. I think he is very depressed maybe he has been all along and i just chalked it up to his age spoiledness etc... I have been with my husband 31 years 27 married and 4 dating and he is a big strong tough guy who I have only seen cry 1x when his dad past away My son lives by the same rule crying is a girl thing etc so for him to cry in front of his dad I know it was real and his dad went over and hugged him and said I love you son but this has to stop. Of course i am crying too and my son said yes you are both right i need help i am never happy the only thing that makes me happy is drugs spending money or work. So today i will be making phone calls to set up appts and hope this was the beginning of the end I know that is alot to ask but we are a step ahead of where we were yesterday, as my good friend always says "where there is life there is hope" I will not fool myself he has a very long road ahead of him but I think it was a good start. We will see.Love you guys, Dee
katrinka
katrinka
It is a mistake when people say the addict just doesn't care and they are manipulating. There are times they really are manipulating and other times they really do feel like your son does, a failure worthless. He really doesn't understand why he keeps relapsing he has all the best intentions and then the brain starts its tricky crap of making the person think they can use. Its no problem. It really is like a pressure cooker going off and this pressure cooker keeps building and building and then explodes over and over.
He is lucky to have parents like both of you, ones who haven't given up yet, ones who have learned the truth about addiction and understand it really is a mental problem. He is young and now is the time for him to seek help before he does become one of the statistic's who go on to use drugs or drink the rest of their life.
Stay strong.
Pen125
Pen125
Dee, I can't tell you how I felt reading your post. My heart is swollen with hope and empathy. What a great, strong, wonderful mother and human being you are! He is so, so, so lucky to have you and so are your girls.

I couldn't read "manipulation" in his reaction. The shame and guilt that comes with using can be unbareable. I've watched my brother cry and, inside, I was down on my knees thanking God that he can still feel something.

I trully hope he comes back to you, but most of all I hope he returns to himself first.
deleted_user
deleted_user
That is so familiar... asking for change and getting an "I suck, I'm worthless, I don't care if I die, etc." response. Maybe you are like me - I never wanted that response. I don't want the guilt and shame - I just wanted a change! It was so frustrating when i'm saying, "From right now forward, do different" and they were hearing, "From right now backward, I suck!" Same words, but two totally different understandings....
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I was there, lived that.....and he did get help.

Oh, God, I hope this is just what he needed. He is sick and lost. Katrinka is right. he is lucky to have parents like you. Maybe he is ready.

Saying a prayer right now for all of you." Please God, let this be it. let it take this time. "

I have chills.
deehigs
deehigs
Thank you for all your respones Katrinka i do think it has alot to do with mental illness because they did discuss him as being dual diagnosed with depression when he was entering rehab . Pen i can't thank you enough for encouraging me with your kind comments it is nice to know that people think I am doing the right thing . bhamguy we do sound alot alike You are so right I don't want him to despise himself i want him to forgive himself for his past mistakes so we can all move forward and conquer this demon together. All that self loathing he has only keeps him stuck in this vicious cycle. Blue Thank you so much for being so caring in wanting him to get better your response gave me chills! I just want to let you all know how much i appreciate your concern and time you all put into reading and responding to my dilemmas You guys are truly special people!!!!! Dee.
jms7229
jms7229
AAAHHHH MY HEART BROKE FOR YOU WHEN DESCRIBING THE WAY YOU SEARCHED EVERY INCH OF HIS ROOM FOR EVIDENCE. THAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL BEHAVIOR I FIND MYSELF PARTICIPATING IN. THE EMOTIONS ARE SO OVERWHELMING AND CONFLICTED. I SEND YOU HEARTFELT LOVE AND PRAYERS
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dee your post hit so close to home I have burn marks on my backside! Several months ago we too were exactly where you are and laid down the rule that if our son wanted to stay in our home he MUST be in treatment and would be required to have his counselor report progress to us weekly. He was pretty much in the same shape as your son and agreed to our terms. Unfortunately it was only a momentary thing for him and his treatment lasted less than a month. He moved in w/a friend and proceeded to get into tons of legal trouble and has been in county lockup since May 25th. Based on his letters he's hit bottom and is now forced to live like that or get himself straight. His last letter is extremely encouraging as he's trying to get treatment set up and told me he reads the Bible daily, started going to church, attends a Bible study and is surrounding himself w/positive people. He's got a long road ahead of himself and we are hopeful he'll succeed. I guess the message here is that no matter how hard we try to help them it won't do squat unless they make the decision. I pray with all my heart that your family will be strong through this and that your son reaches the point where he decides his life, future and family are more important than his addiction.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dee: I am so moved by your post. I am ion tears. It breaks my heart because I am going through something very similar with my own son. But I also feel such hope as the others did. With his tears and admitting he has a problem and wanting to take steps to change! :)

And I was especially moved by the compassion you and your husband showed your son. I keep hearing from people how I am enabling my son, and I need to practice tough love and set boundaries. I am tired of living like this! But I will do what I have to, to save my son, and to save myself and my family. I keep reminding myself I love him, but don't always love his choices and actions.

I am going to post about my son shortly, but I had to stop and tell you how much it meant to me to read about this exchange of deep love. Blessings to you all on your journey!
dmatt124
dmatt124
Dee my dear friend, your post was like reliving many nights with Sean. My heartaches for the pain you are going through. You re a wonderful, loving family and one day Matt will know how lucky he is. I just want to say that while he can clearly have dul diagnosis, sometime e forget addiction itself is mental condition that does not just turn off when the addict says I had enough. Always remember Matt is not a bad boy trying to get good he is a sick boy who is trying to get well and he can't. If I may suggest, because of his age, try to send him out of state, let him emmerse himself in his recovery with no other distractions. I can offer recommendations if you would like. I remember sitting in a group and like katrinka said the counselor said you don't know how many of them cry because of what they have done to their families, Matt doesn't want to be An addict as much as you don't. This is a great start, for you and for him, and I will keep Matt in my prayers, Dee, I'm always here and he will do this I feel it, love you.