I don't think telling your son will help. Your daughter will come around with time. She has a lot ot deal with (divorce, addiction...) so it can't be easy and she may feel left out of these big things that are happening around her.

I agree with bhamguy, not now anyway. There is a reason why he didn't tell your daughter, embarassement, maybe disappointing her believe me he knows. Your daughter is absorbing eveyrthing, my daughter did the same thing, till this day and it's over 2 years since we found out, she keeps it very topical, very positive. I know the pain it has caused her, I know ther were times she even blamed herself. Give your daughter time, let her know you love her and that you are there if he wants to talk or if perhaps you want to go to counseling together and even better share our site with her. We forget at least I did they are also casualities of our addicts. She will be fine. Give your son time to focus on him right now. Hugs,

I agree with Bhamguy ,,, you guys all have a lot on your plate,, there is quite a bit of healing that has to be done,,, I think in time your daughter will come around,,, the old saying let time heals itselve is sometimes the best medicine ,,,perhaps one day she would Beable to confront her brother,,,

I think you need to take this time for you,, unfortunately a mother can not always fix everything,,,, but can be there to hold the light in the darkness

Welcome to our group There are GREAT people on here that have great advice. I don't know how old your daughter is I'm assuming an adult?( since your son is 26 ) Anyway I am sure right now if your son is trying to get well that he will feel guilty for causing strain between you and your daughter however he does need to know what his addiction is doing to the family. Addiction is totally a family disease. My son is 18 and i have 2 younger daughters that have been through way too much because of my son's addiction but my son needs to know that he has caused them pain it is one of the consequences of his drug use. They need to have bad consequences otherwise there is no reason for them to quit using. I hope your son gets himself into some type of program I am afraid if he doesn't at least attend NA his chances are not so great of remaining sober it's not impossible but it is much more likely for him to relapse without any kind of program or assistance. I wish him well and like you said your daughter probably needs time to cope with this new information . You are not the bad guy, Good Luck Dee

Thank you all so much! My daughter is 23 by the way. I will be patient and let her start the conversation. History between us has worked out best that way. Another question I have is; how do I know my son is clean or not? I didn't even know about his addiction because his behavior didn't indicate anything. If it did, it was too subtle for me to notice...

We have all struggled with that one. Sometimes it is really hard to tell. My son used to switch his drug of choice so i had to do alot of research on many different types of drugs. I will tell you the most obvious sign to me with any type of opiates is pin size pupils that don't react to light changes. besides that just being very lethargic slurred speach nodding off . There are a ton of drug websites that list commonly abused drugs and the symptoms of their use. One I always found very helpful was drug free. org. Good Luck Dee

Thank you Dee, I will visit that website!

no,it will serve no purpose other than to guilt your son. let them deal with their own relationship.

I hear both sides of your opinions and believe there is no one way of dealing with the situation. There is credibility coming from all of you, but my gut tells me to leave it alone for now. My son is very happy and motivated with his career and girlfriend and my daughter is coming around. She will talk to me about it when she feels like she's able. It's good that he's not living with us so we can focus on our lives. Not sweeping it under the rug though. Last time I spoke to him, I asked how he was feeling mentally by not using and he said good because he's busy and doing something he's passionate about. I'm aware that even if he stays clean, he's capable of turning to drugs when life gets difficult. I can only hope he will understand that and seek support when that time comes. I wish people would not be afraid to reach out for help and support from organizations and this website. Do they think they are weak for doing so? Or is it just uncharted territory? Thank you all again for your input! xoxo

Welcome to our group. My 20 year old son is an opiate addict who started with morphine, moved up to Oxy, and is now using heroin. I also have a 23 year old daughter.

When we first found out about my son, my daughter kept getting dragged into the drama. That hurt her relationship with her brother and also led to her moving out with her deadbeat boyfriend. Now she has moved back home, has a new boyfriend, and is going to graduate from college in December. We keep her informed, but she is able to keep detached. That's very healthy for her and also keeps the relationship good with her brother. Last week she had a one hour talk with him and helped him decide to go to in patient rehab. I would recommend letting your daughter be. Unless she shows signs of denial, a healthy detachment is probably good for everyone. Just be there for her when she is ready to talk. If she is a reader, then you might want to both check out a book like Beautiful Boy. It can help you both understand what you are dealing with and it could be a conversation starter. I highly recommend this book. I've read it 3 times already. When I broke the news to my Dad and his wife about my son's addiction, I gave them a copy of the book and it helped them to understand.

Don't bother letting your son know what's happening with your daughter. Addicts are not able to accept responsibility for their actions and it would be a waste of your time. He'd probably also find a way to blame you.

I'm sorry to hear that he is not in a program or attending meetings. Oxy and all opiates are very hard to quit on your own. Also, a person's tolerance gets higher and the dosage gets higher, which also increases the cost. It doesn't take long before an Oxy addict is spending $100 a day, which leads to illegal behavior (pawning things, dealing drugs, etc.). Or, they move to heroin, which is stronger and cheaper. You have already learned the hardest lesson, which is that you can not control this and you can't make him get treatment. The best you can do is to set boundaries, such as not allowing him to live with you again and not providing money for him unless he gets treatment.

Thank you donna, you sound like a pro at this. I appreciate your insight. This website has helped me cope, so much!! I'll get that book and am reading Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children, right now. Also very helpful. I have not been able to attend an Al Anon meeting due to work so this has been a lifeline! There are no Nar Anon meetings within an hour from here. I never thought I'd be dealing with this. I am savy about the lure of drugs. I educated my kids early on about it. You feel like you failed somehow even though I've learned that I didn't. When a kid grows up to be a brain surgeon, everyone congratulates the mother. When he grows up to be a drug addict/criminal, it's partly the parents fault in the eyes of society. It's a hard concept to break from... Gonna keep working on it. :)

Only you know your daughter and could quess why she is quiet. She does have a lot on her plate. I suppose some support couldn't hurt. It could go a long way actually. I'm talking from the sibling's point of view.

About letting your son know. Of what exactly? That his sister is not taking it well and that she's withdrawn?

If he is doing well, and this is only my opinion, he should reach out to her. Be the one to...

Last but not least, you all say that the sister will be OK. She might or she might not. Again, I'm talking from the sibling's point of view. Personally, it took me years to get in that better place. Then again, my brother's story is different in the sense that he's never really been clean or asked for help.

To sum up, I'd suggest you approach your daughter the best way you know. Let her know that you're there if she wants to talk.

nduca55, You are on the right track. The book you are reading also sounds good. I'm reading Boundaries right now.

I had to laugh when you said I sound like a pro at this. I just said the same thing to my husband this morning. First I found a pill on the floor in the pantry. It just took two minutes on the web before I figured out it was an Excedrin Back and Body tablet. Then I went into my son's room and saw an empty toilet paper roll with dryer sheets stuffed in it. There was also a dryer sheet taped on to the end. I had no idea what it was, but knew that drugs had to be involved somehow. A quick google search told me that if you are smoking weed in your room and don't want to get caught, just blow the smoke into dryer sheets stuffed into a paper towel roll.

I've learned more about drugs in the past three years than I ever wanted to know.