It is her 26th birthday. To say I am heartbroken is a gross understatement. Yesterday should have been fun, comfortable but was anything but that. Her sister and I took her to breakfast then to have her hair colored and cut. She was nodding off so bad in the chair that the hairdresser kept having to move her head and wake her up. I was embarrassed for me because its the same salon I use, but was more embarrassed for her. She's all of 90 pounds, heavy makeup to hide skin that is broken out and slumped under a hairdryer. She lies and says she not using heroin but you'd have to be a complete idiot to believe her. Anybody looking at her can see it.
We've been dancing to this tune since 2008. Heroin, rehab, jail, heroin, homelessness, jail, theft, meth, escape, rehab, recovery and FINALLY 2 years clean and sober. She did so well and then it all went to shit and here we are again. I just can't wrap my head around it. Why wasn't sobriety enough? She had a life, going to school, working, following all the rules. She had rebuilt relationships with friends and family, went on vacation, golfed and enjoyed the outdoors. Why wasn't that enough? Now she's lost her schooling, evicted from her apartment, had her power shut off and lost her health and went from being really close to me knowing I was her biggest supporter to evading me. I am the enemy. At what point did she begin to see me as someone on the "other side"? I will never understand addiction, but I hate it more than all the wrongs in the world. It has stolen my daughter, my sweet, curious, lovable, bright-eyed little girl and spit back a shell of a human that resembles her but is nothing like her. I feel beaten, tired and full of despair.
This is the only place to turn because no one else really gets it. Thanks for letting me spew.