Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hanna is getting out of rehab Thanksgiving day. She called me last night to tell me that she wants to come live with me and get back in college and get her life in order. She's no longer mentioning moving in with her boyfriend, which is what he told me they were planning 3 days ago. She desperately doesn't want to go into a halfway house. So I'm very nervous about this....about the possibility of insincerity. She says that she knows I'll have rules and expectations and that she's OK with that...she just wants to be back with her family. I'm thinking that I really can't resist the opportunity to have her near me and to be a positive influence on her. If she's around I can make sure she takes her medication, goes to the doctor, encourage her to attend NA meetings.....I should be elated...its what I've wanted all along. But, I'm nervous and apprehensive.
I just hope whatever you decide works out for her & you. How long was she in rehab? I'm all for halfway homes-I also wanted my son to go to one, but he refused.
Sending you lots of hugs & wishes,
LydiaAnn
My heart goes out to you and I am very sorry you have to go through this.
I wanted to share with you my experience and knowledge from being a drug addict and alcoholic and also being surrounded by a lot of drug addicts and alcoholics in recovery. Please try to understand that I'm only saying this in an effort to help both you and your daughter.
Your instict, as a mother is to rescue her and 'help' her and take her back home. If you can, try to understand that rescuing her will not help her, but hurt her. She wants to be back with her family... of course she does... don't we all... Sometimes we lose a lot when we're drinking and drugging and when we get sober we want it all back. Don't give her everything back at once. Let her work for it. This way she will learn how to be grateful for the good things in her life and not throw it all away so easy for a drink or a drug.
I know a lot of people who are recovering from heroin, that have been sober for 1, 2 or more years. And 99% of them have gone through the whole process: detox, rehab, halfway house, plus constantly going to meetings.
Remeber, you are dealing with a very cunning disease. Of course you're scared. You should be. YOu are not trained to handle such a situation, such a sick person. That is why a halfway house is better for her. Because people there work with addicts all the time. It is a very strict environment and that is exactly what she needs at this stage of her sobriety. They have therapy and groups sessions for them, they get drug tested regurarly, they have to go to meetings. It is an environment designed to help addicts in their early recovery. If you can, give your daugther the chance to experience it. You may think that taking her back will help her... but it probably won't. YOu shouldnt have to make sure that she takes her medication, goes to meetings, etc. That is HER reponsibility not yours. And she has to learn to do it by yourself. What are you gonna do? Watch her go to meetings and give her her medications for the rest of your life? Even if you succeed, what will happen to her when you're not here anymore?
Let her learn how to stay sober on her own. She will thank you for it one day.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
I say this to everyone I talk to about a mothers love. For an addict, it is a killing love. We want to fix everything, control everything, make sure they do everything right.
Your daughter is an adult, she has to live like one. You are not responsible to suffer her consequences.
I had specific rules for my addicted sons to live here which literally saved their lives.
The first and most important thing is that if her addict boyfriend is not clean for at least a year, he is not allowed in your house.
I tested my sons weekly on random days
they had specific chores to do
they were not allowed drug or alcohol use
If you are an addict and you drink alcohol, you are not clean. You just are not using your drug of choice. Alcohol use lowers resistance to drug use.
They were required to attend 3-4 meetings per week.
I could go on but I think you get what I am trying to say. If they broke even one of these rules, they had 24 hours to be out of our house.
Ultimately you have to do what you feel is right in your heart but you need to know what actions on your part could either save or kill your daughter.
NarcAnon meetings are crucial for you at this point.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, I really do care about how you feel. I have been there so many times that I know all the mushy stuff in the world isnt going to help you see the hard reality of what you are facing.
Trust me, no one wants to go there, but it is better than the alternative - sleeping on the street.
We have a friend - I will Call Celiee - she is 23 years old, she went to rehab and then came home to live with her parents. After 3 months - they told her she had to leave. They rented a room for her in a Sober LIving Home. She tried to manipulate them into letting her move to an apartment or a room which cost the same as the sober living home because she told them she didn't like the rules and the other woman were jealous of her. They said No. She cried and threatened not to speak to them. It is now 9 months later and she says - it is the best thing that ever happened to her. She now has learned to appreciate her family and to grow up.
As Autumn says - ALANON would be a good thing for you. It is not hard doing the right thing - it is easy to do the wrong thing and there is a fine line between helping and hurting. If she comes home... you are only hurting her.
Trust me, no one wants to go there, but it is better than the alternative - sleeping on the street.
We have a friend - I will Call Celiee - she is 23 years old, she went to rehab and then came home to live with her parents. After 3 months - they told her she had to leave. They rented a room for her in a Sober LIving Home. She tried to manipulate them into letting her move to an apartment or a room which cost the same as the sober living home because she told them she didn't like the rules and the other woman were jealous of her. They said No. She cried and threatened not to speak to them. It is now 9 months later and she says - it is the best thing that ever happened to her. She now has learned to appreciate her family and to grow up.
As Autumn says - ALANON would be a good thing for you. It is hard doing the right thing - it is easy to do the wrong thing and there is a fine line between helping and hurting. If she comes home... you are only hurting her.