Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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patnard 08/27/2013

Ok so I've been here many times asking your opinions and advice and here I am once again. I need to know if I am just being paranoid or just a worry wart. Krista has been doing well in her recovery and I know this is true because she gets weekly urine tests done, last week when she saw her doctor she decided that it was time for them to stop bubble packing her med's, I thought it was too soon but it was her choice, the doctor did decide to only give her 2 weeks at a time though. I have been watching her like a hawk, I don't know if it's been because I was waiting for a slip up or just the fact that I still don't completely trust her, a few nights ago I though she looked strange, her eyes were blood shot and I just got the feeling she wasn't acting right, I called her out on it and she got very upset and defensive so I let it go, well again today same thing but this time she said I have to prove it to you and took out her pills and counted them for me and she had the right amount. She does have a problem sleeping and said she thought that might be why her eyes were red, I do know she has trouble sleeping because when I wake up during the night most of the time she is awake. Now I know what your going to say "You have no control over her use and if she's going to do it there's nothing you can do to stop it" I know this really I do. But do you think I should voice my concerns or just let it be and see what happens, I hate feeling like this. Any suggestions, how do I get over this feeling, it's like I'm waiting for her to fail.

Thanks,
Pat

ps: Be gentle with me, LOL

kimpalmer 08/27/2013

Hi Pat, are you and Krista usually able to talk well without upset? If so, you could tell her, "hey, sorry if I upset you, but you need to realize that there are going to be certain "triggers" for me getting anxious". Let her know you have faith in her and are in her corner.. I do think that you are wise to keep a watchful eye though.. We all know our kid's histories and what they are capable of.. Don't feel bad about being watchful either.. She lives in your house.. It's your right to set the boundaries.

blueviolet725 08/27/2013

Maybe offer to hold them if she feels tempted? other than that, I think her having to prove it to you on a daily basis might build up tension.
I used a ton of positive reinforcement with my son....here is an example for your situation:

"Oh, I am so glad you feel you are ready for this step, even if I find it scary. You know I am here for you, and if you feel tempted and need me to hold the remainder for you, I will with no problem. "
Oreo approach, Start with a good, voice a concern, end with a good...but unlike cardinal's advice, I don't think i can do all that in 15 words.
Is she exercising at all? that really helped my son sleep better and he got addicted to the endorphins from it for a while....

cardinal39 08/27/2013

I think it truly human nature, when we have been manipulated , hearts been crushed, our pride been taken, as a mother our self- esteem had been robbed,, that even though they are doing good, everything is accounted for,, we still tend to live in that past assuming they are going to fail,, ( because that is what we are accustom to) that's why it's s important for our recovering addict, as well as ourselves, to let go,, by us always watching them like a hawk,, we almost become their trigger,, remembe the addicts mind regardless if they are not using,, they want the reward feeling,, the approval , and that is where the drug of choices attacks,, so positive thinking,, praises,, when she feels anxious,, go for a walk with her,, suggest volunteering somewhere,, anything that will give her that gradafication that the use of drugs does,, addiction never goes away,, for the addict it's constantly in their head,,

You pat need to relax,,,,

Love ya

patnard 08/27/2013

Thank you so so much, I have been trying to be positive and always let her know I am there for her know matter what. Kim I think tomorrow when we are both calmer I am going to have that talk with her, blue I am going to use all your suggestions too and cardinal I think I am going to relax, know I am going to relax. Being a warden is too much work, I think she'll be fine. Thanks everybody!!

Hugs,
Pat

ashley906 08/27/2013

What they say to the addict is that it took years for them to lose our trust so that its going to take more than a week, month ect to gain it back. I think that your daughter needs to understand that you don't trust her and that it doesn't mean you won't always, but not right now.

Take care of you!

deehigs 08/28/2013

Pat I am so with you on this issue of trust. I do not trust my son at all. I think if I did I would have to have my head examined. Even though I don't trust him and quite frankly I have discussed this with him I have learned to let go. I can not approach him every time I think he's lying because we will never move forward if I did. He says he understands how and why I feel the way I do but sometimes I'm not really sure if that's true. If I do have any suspicions I bite my tongue unless I have definitive proof otherwise it just leads to arguments and gets none of us nowhere. I do make him take random drug tests because he does live in my house and I will not have someone here that is actively doing drugs.i have two younger daughters that I will not allow drugs around them. My son is doing pretty good not perfect on occasion he has gotten drunk at a friends on the weekend kind of thing he has not done heroin in almost a year so I know he is trying very hard to fight this battle but it is not a perfect life by any means but a million times better than it was a year ago.i hope your daughter continues on the path she has been on and continues to make progress. Hugs dee

patnard 08/29/2013

Dee, I wish I had the nerve to tell Krista she has to take random drug tests at home too, but it wouldn't matter because right now she is still be weaned off suboxone so the test would come back positive anyway I agree with you about not confronting her unless I have proof, so for now unless I do I will bite my tongue too. Thanks for the suggestions.

Hugs,
Pat.

deleted_user 08/29/2013

My understanding is that suboxone does not affect opiate tests. In fact to test for use, you have to buy special tests that specifically include suboxone. I encourage drug testing as a condition of staying home. It shows you mean business and the possibility of failing the test also gives them a reason not to use. What I dislike is paying for the tests and administering them. That said, I would definitely pay someone to come to my house and give the test if such a thing were possible so I could be removed from the equation.

Personally, I'd be as suspicious as you. It could be okay but then again we know how good they can be at covering up. If there is one bit of self-knowledge I could magically impart to drug users it would be how completely shot their credibility is. They truly don't seem to understand how hard they need to work to rebuild it in ways both small and large.

katrinka 08/29/2013

Let her do what she feels is best. I know it makes you nervous and anxious but, the majority of addicts get clean all by themselves using whatever method they feel is best.

deleted_user 08/31/2013

Would like to chime in on that trust factor. I once had to explain this to my son; that the strength of trust between two people is like skin - tough but once it's cut or broken it takes time to mend. And given adequate time and TLC will usually heal 100% but if during that time it continues to get hit, brused or punctured not only does the healing time increase but the chances for complete repair of the wound decreases with each incident and if it's abused too much weakens for all time.

Continue to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter - she needs to understand where you're coming from and all the whys.

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