I will go easy on you Momma Pat,,,,,,, you create the peace and tranquility you want to live in,,,,,, insanity is continuously doing the same thing over, and over and expecting different results,,,,, if I was in your shoes,,, shoot give them the house,,, and you go get yourself a ONE room apartament a create a tranquil space for you,,,,, you have allowed them all to control you,,, and they have forced you to go to your room,, and shut the door,,, how fair is that?,,,, I'm glad you have learned to speak you mind,,,, but my love actions speak louder then words,,,,, your kids are not little ones,,,, each and everyone of them should be living in their own home,,,,,, take back control of your life,,,, or guess what my love,,, they are slowly sufforcating you,,,,,, put your big girl pants on,,,, put some lipstick on ( my mom always said,,, you have power when you put lipstick on) and start standing up to pat,,,, you don't owe anyone anything,,,,, stop focusing on the bad,,, and start focusing on what you can do to make your life better,,,,,,,

love ya!!

If you want to feel better, volunteer someplace for the less fortunate. I do, at the SPCA. I take care of animals. give them some love and tenderness. pick up poop and do laundry and dishes. I go twice a week. It makes me feel like I am doing something important for something helpless and if you can't do physical stuff, you can answer the phone for them, or sort newspapers...
anything that gets me out of my head. Then I go home tired, sometimes sad, sometimes happy and I am so busy there, I don't think about anything else.
ANd if you want to do something splurge wise...try a pedicure at one of those places with the fancy massage chairs. decadent. spoiled. and we deserve it.
Hugs to you. no yelling....only if you don't try something new...then? a little kick.
did you ever hear the russian saying "we are only as happy as our unhappiest child"? I think this must be a world wide issue...and not just for addicts' moms.
Be well. Give to the world and you will receive. Do something you love. Hugs.

If you take one day a week and give yourself permission to do something nice for yourself that doesn't involve the addict or any other family member you will begin to feel less trapped. It's okay to say I am doing this for me today and when the others pop in your head or you feel guilty push that thought away. You are experiencing a very common codependent trait, where how good or bad we are feeling depends on how the addict is feeling or how well they are dealing with their addiction.

I understand you completely.I am the same way but i do have a part time job.I work 5 days a wk 5hrs a day.I'm a cashier at Dollar Tree n I love it.When I'm at work I block everything out thats going on at home but as soon as i get home its like my life is crazy.its like i have a target on me n my kids see who can shoot my spirits down first.The sad part is they all are grown and dont even live with me.My son is an addicted n he is using are hates life when hes not.I started walking on my days off with a co worker I don't take my phone and I dont talk about my problems it really seems to help when i get home i feel great until that phone rings..

Cardinal39 gave good advice. The others were more symptomatic in handling the problem. I've learned during my own addiction and now living in retirement, handling of "symptoms" is not handling the "problem". I don't want to "feel good" because I have done something. I want to "feel good" because I am, um, "feeling good". Does this make sense? Also, recognize this could a period, a phase you're going through. I won't predict, nor should you, how long it may last. It hasn't always been this way, so why think it will be permanent? Like the adage, "this too shall pass."

One of the greater lessons I have learned now reaching my mid-50's is how to be content in whatever state I find myself. Contentment requires work in the beginning and less when you've learned how to sustain it. It's not about them, your family, which is the cause, for you are the focal point to your being, um, where you are. If you don't like it, then understand why and make the necessary changes, even if it means removing yourself from the situation.

Have you tried prayer? For He knows all about you and maybe allowed this situation to occur so you could spend some quality time with Him. I find when I speak with Him, and He's already aware of my situation, it's not that He changes it, but He changes me in order to be "content" with whatever He knew I would be facing. Try it. After all, He's only a prayer away.

I was there exactly where you are. it was awful. Instead of sitting in my room, I sat in my chair.
I got out of my chair and started searching out AlAnon meetings. I found one I liked, but life with the addicted child actually got worse after that. I am glad i had the group to go to once a week. I always felt better afterward.
And now I do have a life again. I didn't think it was possible; I was so beat up and beat down, I had worn out my friends with my tales of woe. So I was lonely too.
I got rid of that chair, and the chair after that. Discovering I can live a life again was the most important thing I could do.
For me, it was reaching out to AlAnon, and reading and talking with other friends/families of addicts that got me feeling lighter. I realized that truly I did let my addicted one's state of being determine my state of being, and it was a hard job to change that. It still can affect me, but now there are others who can help.
I wish you well.

Brotherroy your advice is sometimes right on the mark other times it is off the wall. Unless you have been on our side of the fence you will never understand what it is like to become codependent where every action, mood response is in direct association with how the addict is feeling today. Eventually we are no longer the same person, and can become so depressed that in order to get out of the depression we have to take it one day at a time; taking small steps until one day we realize we are no longer living every moment for the addict, but instead we live for ourselves.
Since we all know Pat everyone gave the advice we all knew she needed to hear, there was no need to keep saying the old stuff as Cardinal said it quite well in the first post. We can add to each post without repeating what everyone above us has said.
I will repeat unless you were the spouse, mother of an addict you will never know how we really feel; just like since I never smoked crack I will never know what it was like to get help and quit. The closest I can come to having an addiction is sugar... so I understand how the brain will not shut up wanting sugar, but sugar won't make me steal, lie, cheat or any other behavior an addict does or did do., but I do know how it is to live with an addict and become so wrapped up in their problems I no longer know how I feel or what I want in life.

Thank you all for your advice I knew I could count on you my friends to set me straight. It's been so long since I have been truly happy that sometimes I forget it's OK to be happy. My life has changed so much over the last 7 years, with my husband going to jail ,my daughter becoming an addict,my son just becoming an A-hole I could go on and on, I just want my old life back! I know I sound like I'm whinning and I am. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I do know that this will pass it happens every so often. I will put my big girl pants on soon and go dance in the rain. I am going to find something to make me happy even if it is for just one day it's a start. Thanks for the kick in the butt my friends I needed it.

Hugs,
Pat

Don't know whether or not it will help or not. I first found this group when I was in your shoes. Since then, I've left my ex, let go of my kids, got my own apartment and really started living my life. When I could no longer work in August and had to move in with my elderly parents and 24 year old son who cooks and cleans for them, I thought life was over. I applied and got social security disability in 4 months and am trying to get my life back. I decided I needed to detach from my parents and their addictions and 2 weeks ago I went to San Diego to see the ocean. It feels so good to start and get your life back again. If I can do it, you can do it.

Brother Roy, the number one reason woman stay in a relationship with an addict is because they are afraid that after everything they have been through with the addict if they end the relationship the man will get clean, and another woman will reap all the benefits of their hard long years of staying with the addict. These woman also tend to have low self esteem from the addict putting them down and playing all the head games of manipulation. Plus many grew up in dysfunctional homes and they have all the bagged of their childhood adding to their feelings of not being able to fix the addict. After the woman does end the relationship it takes a long time to recover and be happy again. So although one can say, "why do you put up with his crap?" It's not so easy for a woman to move on. They have to learn to set boundaries and keep in forcing them. As an addict your behavioral make-up is very different from a codependent. Addicts manipulate, and codependent a have a really hard time figuring out what is true and what were the lies. You yourself went through several relationships where instead of staying and fighting for your sobriety you just moved on to another woman. A codependent woman will stay forever it takes some many many years to finally give up and then they still have the what if I did this or that. You met women that would not put up with crap, but I have met many who stay for years, my one friend has stayed over 50 years. I wished she would leave the jerk, but she won't. I realize not everyone can let go yet, so I try to encourage them, but at the same time I know they have to be the one who says I've had enough. Parents are similar in learning to set boundaries. Some are to rigid and others too soft hearted, but most eventually set a balance they can live with. Then some just need a gentle reminder they are going to be okay and to take care of themselves and keep boundaries. I come from a family of alcoholic and when I was about 18 or 19 I realized drinking could be a problem for me, as I would drink and not stop. Guess I was trying to drown the pain, so after that age I didn't drink again except for once or twice, and decided its could be a problem and I did not want to be out of control so I haven't drank in thirty something years.

There are volumes of books written about codependency. It's not such a fascinating subject except, really, to those of us who have been there.
There are all kinds of codependency, and in relationships from parents to spouses to lovers to children.
If you think about it, being a parent automatically makes you a codependent, at least for a while. You worry over them from their first sniffle through their skinned knees through to whenever the fledging from the nest happens. And all parents do in the name of making their kids' lives better, happier, more of whatever.....
There are codependent co-workers, and people in the service industries, and neighbors, and ---and--and--it's just something we become aware of once we've fallen through that trap door, and begun to know we are suffering from it ourselves.
We consider it part of recovery to learn not to base our state of being on another's as much as possible, yet to love them and show our caring with as careful discernment as we can muster.
It's not an easy job.

in my case I allowed the behavior of my son because as a mom ...your whole life is spent trying to protect your children and love your children and I thought love would be enough. he lied to me over and over again and I believed him because the other idea was unthinkable. when I would ask if he was doing drugs he would lie or have an excuse. now I realize how stupid I was. love for your child and just ignorance on my part actually enabled him! at one point my son asked us to bring him daily to his clinic for suboxone, he pretended to be going for suboxone but would be meeting his dealer in the bathroom after the suboxone. he hid the suboxone in his cheeks in front of the pharmacist. it was way over our heads, the manipulation, the lies etc...so when we thought we were helping we were actually enabling. I have learned soooooooo much from this group. I wish I had found this group 5 years ago...I had no idea about drugs and how it starts with booze, marijuana....etc...all the stories are so similar. people don't talk about it in real life.

This is how I got past that place you seem to be in: I tried simple things since leaving the house filled me with anxiety sometimes. I would go to the library, or drive to a park and sit in my car pretending to talk on my cell phone, but was really having an out loud discussion with God,( sounds crazy but worked wonders for me) finally I joined a meditation group at a local monastery it was a little scarey the first time, but I have been going for several years now and it has been my saving grace.

I guess what I am trying to say is find something you would like to explore for YOU.....and take a small step in that direction.
Oh ...lol..... I used to drive around with the radio on and sing really loud. It was amazing how that lifted my spirits. It must have seemed funny looking at my 57 year old self singing old rock songs in my station wagon. Feel better. I send you love.

Pat you have come a long way since I first met you! We didn't get in this situation overnight and it takes time, so pat yourself on the back for the progress you have made. Do something for you, whatever it is you like or think you'd like to try. Give yourself permission to do it, for you deserve it. I always struggled with the word "NO", at one point I would just practice saying it over and over until I could tell someone NO, and not feel bad about it. We don't owe our kids an explanation when they are grown adults. I have to keep practicing with my daughter all the time. She thinks the world owes her and seems to think my time is unvaluable, and my vehicle runs on air instead of gas. I kindly told her last night that it doesn't, and that I have a life too. At times I really feel she is toxic to me and can only take her in small doses. I do love her, but I don't like her or her addiction and all the traits that come along with it. Now for my grandson I will do anything to help, but not her. She has made her choices, he is just a child. Maybe you should go to your sisters and let them all fight it out on their own for a while? Seemed you were happy the week you went there. One day at a time, and think about how you can take care of Pat. Big hugs!