Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My older son is 21 and had a pretty intense 18 month meltdown at the end of high school. After being arrested, wilderness therapy, being forced to sleep on the street when he tried to leave wilderness and come home, more wilderness therapy, a residential program, half way houses and then supporting himself for a year (we picked up the tab for health insurance!) he is living with us again. He is actually a pretty pleasant "housemate" and cooks, cleans, and generally is a good citizen. He is NOT perfect and in spite of his recovery, is still sometimes an "addict thinker." But overall - a good improvement.
His younger brother is 19 and was pretty traumatized by my older son's behavior. My older son threatened to kill him, insulted him, humiliated him, stole from him, lied to get him to give him money, vandalized his room - all many times.... Etc. But three years later, after his older brother has approached him multiple times, he won't speak to him (unless it is at a family event and there is no alternative) and told me he will never forgive him or love him. My younger one is actually pretty good about trying not to make other people uncomfortable - he will speak to his brother if others are around and it would be strange not to. So he is not trying to be a drama boy... He says he feels like he has a phobia - like his older brother makes him feel like he is going to panic.
The thing is - I am having trouble giving up on the dream that our family would be healed. I feel like a failure. I know things are pretty good. But this feels like a death. I dreamed all my life of having a close, loving family. I am so sad to think that my older son's behavior may mean we never feel close again.
His younger brother is 19 and was pretty traumatized by my older son's behavior. My older son threatened to kill him, insulted him, humiliated him, stole from him, lied to get him to give him money, vandalized his room - all many times.... Etc. But three years later, after his older brother has approached him multiple times, he won't speak to him (unless it is at a family event and there is no alternative) and told me he will never forgive him or love him. My younger one is actually pretty good about trying not to make other people uncomfortable - he will speak to his brother if others are around and it would be strange not to. So he is not trying to be a drama boy... He says he feels like he has a phobia - like his older brother makes him feel like he is going to panic.
The thing is - I am having trouble giving up on the dream that our family would be healed. I feel like a failure. I know things are pretty good. But this feels like a death. I dreamed all my life of having a close, loving family. I am so sad to think that my older son's behavior may mean we never feel close again.
The recovering addict gets all the attention and all the help. The siblings are left dealing with the insanity of it all and have no idea at such a young age how to process it all. My younger sons were traumatized by my older one. I realized that the middle son was kind of forced to deal alone while the two users had taken all my time. He's filled with anger and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Maybe your younger guy could use some meetings or counseling sessions of his own. I know when my older one threatened to kill me and hurt me it cause lasting bad feelings. And I'm a grown adult.
Addiction doesn't give us the one big happy family. It gives us heartache and resentments. He's 19. Three years clean and an apology doesn't get his mind clear just because everyone wants it that way. Just think about how you are on here three years into his recovery for an outlet. What is his?
I know it hurts you. Believe me I get it!
I had a talk with my younger one, though, and let him know how sad it made me feel that we are not able to be a family. I told him that this did not mean he owed his brother anything. It just meant that I was sad even though I understand.
I cannot even believe it but he went to his older brother yesterday and told him, "you really hurt me and you were an asshole but we both love our mom and we have to be able to be in the same house." My older one apologized and said he respected him as a man for coming to him. My younger one told him that talking to him made him feel less scared. They agreed they don't have to be friends but they will try to coexist with less tension.
I will not be needing a mothers day present this year. Got it early.
That's awesome. A start in a good direction. Maybe him being validated with feelings over all this helps. I wish you all the best. I know my family is so broken and it's so incredibly sad
I know that I feel like I have PTSD at times for all that we dealt with. It really helps me to understand that our son's actions were very common with addicts and not the result of bad character. That's really a key to forgiveness. It might help your younger son to go to Alateen or to read a book on the topic of addiction. He'll understand more about why his brother acted the way he did and it will help him to know that he's not alone.
It's a huge step what he did but I would get him books, encourage meetings and look into seeing a therapist for a bit. It sounds like he's had a lot of stress at is young age. It's hard enough just trying to grow up. He sounds like a great kid, thinking in making things better for his mom! Good for you!
he never officially responded to her...it was too painful...and she never fully forgave him.
now they live 15 hours apart and see each other every other year or so. they do send texts for birthdays and christmas, and just last week she sent lingerie to his future wife's shower....but they will never have the full trust of each other. I have it with my siblings, and they have had it modeled. it just isn't going to happen.
at least now, they have each other's numbers and have spoken to each other at some point before either my husband or my funeral....
she is a professional, masters degree and on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. that is part of her abruptness. He is more feely touchy and he did years of damage....
it is what it is. They aren't trying to kill each other, so I have let it go.