Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Its been some time since I last wrote in the board. I would like to welcome the new members and wish you strength, clarity of mind and peace in your heart.
I am reaching out knowing that my family is facing a dead end once more. For the new ones heres a very short background: brother, 36 years old, has been addicted to heroin since 2004. He lives with my parents. I am married and live some 20 minutes away. Parents have been enablers throughout. He has a 4+ year old with another addict with whom he lived for 3 years under horrid conditions. The child, which was born with withdrawal and has Hep C, was finally removed to state funded childrens last November at the age of 3. The mother has been given the chance to get her child back under the condition she enters a specialized inpatient programme for addicted mothers, all for free, but has done nothing. Her parents (grandparents) have been found dangerous for the childs welfare. We told my brother to try to take the child and bring it home but has done absolutely nothing. He joined a suboxone programme last years and seemed to be doing better use-wise, cause otherwise his behavior was junky behavior.
Early October my father, my brothers biggest enabler and only friend, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. To say that my world came tumbling down is an understatement. My brother was nowhere to be seen so I knew he was back to using. He recently started giving serious grief to my parents. I was keeping my distance cause my father is my priority ; things for the past couple of months were a living nightmare as my dad's pain was over the roof and pain management didnt work. My strong dad was pleading for death and it seemed there was nothing we could do, until I finally made the doctors listen, accept malpractice and fix the problem. Thank God, my father is doing much better now, pain-wise. He is on his fourth cycle of chemo. I am the only caregiver as far as his treatment is concerned, since my mother is not allowed to drive due to her medications.
The problem is that my brother is using again. He must have been using for at least 4 months now, if not since early summer. He has become uncontrollable, looks as if he is going to die, shouts and screms, chokes on his own self, blames everyone for everything, wishes for us to die so that his so called girlfriend can move in etc. All that right in front of my dad.
Last night when I finally confronted him about heroin he started screaming, biting himself, foam coming out from his mouth, tearing his clothes, pulling his own hair and finally rushing out to the veranda of our second story house. He jumped off. Time froze. For a second I felt relief at the idea of him dying but then I heard my mother scream. I thought of my father. My husband was there. He grabbed my brother by the arm. His body was dangling in the air. My husband pulled him up.
Then the real drama took place. For hours he was out of his mind. Almost out of his body. Sweating like a pig, cursing, the words that came out of his mouth did not make any sense at all. He has a lot of self-loath and a lot of hatred for me. He hates me to the bone. If he could kill me, he would. I know. But then he'd go to jail and he won't be able to use as freely. That is his situation.
I know that there is no solution. Kicking him out is out of the question, it would kill my dad. There are no relatives to take him in. He has no friends.
After a long time trying for baby, numerous medical exams and the doctors diagnosis inexplicable infertility, I had just started fertility treatment. Facing, now, my fathers terminal cancer, my mothers clinical depression, the 50% chance that I have inherited my dads syndrome AND my brothers insanity is putting, once more, a stop to my life. I foolishly gave my brother 10 years of my life, trying to be there for him whenever he was a bit more approachable, but most of all trying to be there for my parents, who, unfortunately, were consumed by their sons addiction.
It's hard to believe that I saw my brother jumping off to his death right in front of our eyes. Is it normal to feel numb about it? Am I loosing my mind here?
Id ask for help but I understand theres not much for anyone to say solution-wise, so Ill just say thanks for reading.
I am reaching out knowing that my family is facing a dead end once more. For the new ones heres a very short background: brother, 36 years old, has been addicted to heroin since 2004. He lives with my parents. I am married and live some 20 minutes away. Parents have been enablers throughout. He has a 4+ year old with another addict with whom he lived for 3 years under horrid conditions. The child, which was born with withdrawal and has Hep C, was finally removed to state funded childrens last November at the age of 3. The mother has been given the chance to get her child back under the condition she enters a specialized inpatient programme for addicted mothers, all for free, but has done nothing. Her parents (grandparents) have been found dangerous for the childs welfare. We told my brother to try to take the child and bring it home but has done absolutely nothing. He joined a suboxone programme last years and seemed to be doing better use-wise, cause otherwise his behavior was junky behavior.
Early October my father, my brothers biggest enabler and only friend, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. To say that my world came tumbling down is an understatement. My brother was nowhere to be seen so I knew he was back to using. He recently started giving serious grief to my parents. I was keeping my distance cause my father is my priority ; things for the past couple of months were a living nightmare as my dad's pain was over the roof and pain management didnt work. My strong dad was pleading for death and it seemed there was nothing we could do, until I finally made the doctors listen, accept malpractice and fix the problem. Thank God, my father is doing much better now, pain-wise. He is on his fourth cycle of chemo. I am the only caregiver as far as his treatment is concerned, since my mother is not allowed to drive due to her medications.
The problem is that my brother is using again. He must have been using for at least 4 months now, if not since early summer. He has become uncontrollable, looks as if he is going to die, shouts and screms, chokes on his own self, blames everyone for everything, wishes for us to die so that his so called girlfriend can move in etc. All that right in front of my dad.
Last night when I finally confronted him about heroin he started screaming, biting himself, foam coming out from his mouth, tearing his clothes, pulling his own hair and finally rushing out to the veranda of our second story house. He jumped off. Time froze. For a second I felt relief at the idea of him dying but then I heard my mother scream. I thought of my father. My husband was there. He grabbed my brother by the arm. His body was dangling in the air. My husband pulled him up.
Then the real drama took place. For hours he was out of his mind. Almost out of his body. Sweating like a pig, cursing, the words that came out of his mouth did not make any sense at all. He has a lot of self-loath and a lot of hatred for me. He hates me to the bone. If he could kill me, he would. I know. But then he'd go to jail and he won't be able to use as freely. That is his situation.
I know that there is no solution. Kicking him out is out of the question, it would kill my dad. There are no relatives to take him in. He has no friends.
After a long time trying for baby, numerous medical exams and the doctors diagnosis inexplicable infertility, I had just started fertility treatment. Facing, now, my fathers terminal cancer, my mothers clinical depression, the 50% chance that I have inherited my dads syndrome AND my brothers insanity is putting, once more, a stop to my life. I foolishly gave my brother 10 years of my life, trying to be there for him whenever he was a bit more approachable, but most of all trying to be there for my parents, who, unfortunately, were consumed by their sons addiction.
It's hard to believe that I saw my brother jumping off to his death right in front of our eyes. Is it normal to feel numb about it? Am I loosing my mind here?
Id ask for help but I understand theres not much for anyone to say solution-wise, so Ill just say thanks for reading.
All of this is terrible for you. and your father, mother and husband.
Can't he be committed to a mental hospital? Besides addicted, it sounds like he has had a complete break with reality.
I know how much you love your parents. How complicated this has all been. I didn't know about your trying for a baby...you haven't been married all that long....It took me 6 months of "trying" with my first, and I know my husband was feeling pressured...(we had not tried, just not prevented, before that)...I just want to point out that adoption offers no relief from the worries of genetic problems. My brother has adopted a son who comes from a very troubled background, and all we can do is love him and give him all the help we can and hope he turns out ok...my kid, he wants kids, and he knows between his learning disabilities and addiction issues what he is getting into...the whole issue has been complicated for me my entire adulthood. But I am sorry for all the pain and frustration you are feeling.
As long as dad is in no physical pain, and parents are safe, I guess that is all you can ask for. I am glad the child is safely away from his mother and father. finally.
whew! you have so much on your shoulders to handle. I am so sorry this has gone on for so long. You know you can't change your folks, so please continue to look after yourself and your husband.
Hugs to you. Peace.
try to study the 12 steps and join a support group. you will get a lot of help there and comfort.
step1: we admitted we were powerless over other people, places, events, things.. and that our life had be ome UNMANAGEABLE.
step 2: came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity (definitely not the addicted person whether he gets well or not)
step 3: MADE A DECISION to turn our will and our life to God as we ubderstood God. (a Higher Power)
keep the faith. take care of you. that is the best thing you can do always. hugs
Focus on your parents and your own health and marriage. Your brother needs to be allowed to fall, although I know that your parents are probably not going to let that happen. It is what it is.
Yes, it's normal to feel numb when something traumatic happens. It's your body's way of protecting you. It's also a signal that you need to step back and protect yourself. I have a good friend whose son is a heroin addict. She and her husband were in his dorm room and he ran to jump out of a six story window. Her husband stopped him from jumping. Her reaction was similar to yours. (The son later started a methadone program and then was weaned off after 18 months. He has been off heroin for 3 years now and will soon graduate from college.)
I've also been there on the infertility treatments. They never did find out the reason why we weren't able to conceive. Eventually we stopped all of the testing and decided to adopt and it was the best decision we ever made.
Please take care of yourself.
Since his attempt, my brother has been exhibiting the following behaviour: he hasn't talked about it, is kind to my parents, disappears for a whole 24hrs sleeping or whatever at his place, no food, no sign of life, only to appear the following day as if nothing has happened.
I wish you all a healthy new year filled with love.
One thing I want to say...the day your brother jumped...your feelings of being relieved if he died....I think are normal.
My son has used for so long...when he was at his worst...I asked God to take or heal him....God chose to do both.....he healed him...but he tends to go back to being sick.....I was ok at his worst if he passed...I thought sadly it would bring us both peace.
I just wanted you to know your not alone in those feelings of numbness....I couldn't send a PM to you because we are not friends.