Feel like I wrote this a year ago. Except I go it alone. No husband and his dad only wants to be involved when things are good.

So what are you doing wrong? Well first off turning a blind eye is the biggest. It's our nature to protect and care for our kids. When I gave birth I never dreamt heroin would be part of that package.

Rule of thumb here. When addicts use...they hang with other users. So anyone in your home hanging with him isn't clean. Good you put a stop to it. When they are clean they never see those other friends again.

With that being said...your son needs to go. As long as you provide a roof over his head he won't take anything you say serious. You are enabling his behavior by letting this happen. I
Know how hard it is to throw them out. I got a court order on one and the other slept in a shelter after he got out of prison.

I get the wanting him home so you can keep an eye on him thing. I did that to the point of disgusting. He was a horror to watch and to tolerate. He's clean he's relapsing. Like a vicious cycle. I can't watch it
Anymore. I understand about the cell phone. I've struggled
With that too. I decided to leave his phone on and pay. Most would say that it allows him to contact his dealer with it. True. But honestly he's not letting that get in the way of calling his dealer. My sons are
Not shy. They want heroin they are getting it.

This is how I torture myself with his phone. I have a call
Log report set up on my account. I look at
It when I can't reach him. If I see he made
Calls I know he's ok. Sick right? I shake waiting
For it to load. Also I feel since he's an addict
And has no ID how will anyone know who to call if something happens. The fear is overwhelming.

I say if he leaves after Christmas he shouldn't be allowed back in. He needs to learn how life is and grow up. Mine is in an apt with a great paying job. He's been using again. When rent time comes I've made it clear my door is locked. My wallet is empty and I'm done. He knows he can call me and come visit when he's clean. Am I upset about this. Beyond. I wish I could change things.
As far as your marriage is concerned I would NOT let this break u up. It is not going to help anything. You will be alone dealing with your son who will take advantage of you with no man around. What about your happiness? This life is a one time deal. We need to live too. Please work on that. Unless of course there are other issues.

Give your son a date to leave. Rehab or move. And stick to it.

I so appreciate your response and know in my heart that you are right. I do have to add that I thought I was the only one that went into the cell phone site and checked his message and minutes usage to see if he was maybe awake/alive. Like you, with no usage, my stomach tied itself tighter and tighter in knots. Why did I think I was alone in doing this?! You are right, it is torture and consumes me at times. I am fine with letting him go and telling him he cannot come back. It's the cell phone thing that is hanging me up. Also, people (big family on both sides) are asking me what to get him for Christmas. What's a "safe" gift? They can sell or trade anything. A gas card for the ride to another state? Fast food gift cards? I'm at a loss and perhaps I'm overthinking this.

do not lose your marriage over addiction. addiction wins.

I always did pay for my son's cell phone.
I didn't know where he was, and I thought he would call for help.
Once the cops used it to let me know he was going to jail.
the rest of the time, he never answered texts or calls.
and when he was in jail, he would call collect.


I wouldn't worry about getting rid of "all his stuff"...that seems a bit revengeful. But he needs to go. you are enabling him. the more you enable, the more he uses. He needs to go and make his own life and you need to make yours.
we get lost in their addiction.

so, make a deal with hubby, and work towards his point of view and maybe he can mellow a bit.

like I said, i kept on the phone too.

You don't want a dealer breaking into your house, or druggies stealing your stuff, or whatever that all brings...your home is your sanctuary, and you deserve peace and safety.

let him go. find your peace. do it all with love.

Gifts? how about canned food....anything else, they find a way to sell it...I mean anything.
sorry. there really is no safe gift I can think of

Gift cards are a definite NO! Last year he went to a pawn shop and sold them for half the value. Guess what he bought instead? Now he gets things like t's sneakers or jeans. I hold the receipts so he can return them. And I remove the tags so he can't do store credit. Luckily he doesn't return clothes. He loves new clothes so it's a safe one for me.

Don't struggle with the cell phone. It will give you some peace. Just pay it.

Thank you. I know that there is no "safe" gift. Heck, they could probably sell used underwear! My family knows who and what he is, but they still want to "give". I guess I just let them give and hope for the best. His brother (half) who is married to a psychiatrist, says there is no safe gift. I so appreciate all of your support. I am so glad I came back here for support. I got to a point where I did nothing but cry when I read posts and answers and I just couldn't do it anymore. My counselor said I have always seemed the "strongest" when I was more active here. It is nice to be back and hopefully stronger. Thanks again.

Susan I'm the type who always got
It alone. I isolate when I'm hurting. (My ghosts from the past). I'm learning that I need support and people who get what I'm living. It's hard sometimes because I start to wonder if being here makes
Me more frightened in what I read. But the truth is that unless you stood in my shoes you can't help me. Addiction on the "outside" world is taboo to discuss. Here I'm safe. I can put it all on the table spill my guts and no one makes me feel like I did something wrong or I was some terrible mom.

Just keep coming here and reading and sharing. We need each other. You and I are not alone. There are a lot of us out there.

my honest thoughts. keep your husband!!!! He sounds like a wonderful man! let go of your son. doesn't mean you don't love him. love him enough to let him go. Trust him to God's care. For your own health and sanity you must do this. so very hard. i know how hard it is . But in order to have peace you must do this. your husband is right. your son can phone you if he chooses without you paying for his cell phone. he can use someone else's phone to call you. he can email you. he can skype you. don't enable. don't pay his phone
hugs and prayers

in fact I hate cell phones. they can text their dealers anytime and arrange to get drugs. so in a way you are enabling him to get drugs by paying for his cell phone