A friend of mine who has 12 years clean, sent me this:

From early on, you'll likely want signs as to the sincerity of your partner's recovery. Is he just going through the motions? Is he doing this to appease me? Is he really sincere about changing? Thankfully, there are objective signs you can look to. Here we will look at things from a more practical view: is he on the right track?



Ironically, whether your partner continues to engage in compulsive behavior in early recovery is one of the least reliable ways of determining sincerity. Just as paradoxical is the notion that their level of honesty is a direct barometer of their sincerity. Both should be, but neither are. When you have greater than 95% of those immediately following the discovery of their addiction continue to use deception to minimize responsibility for their actions--what you have is a symptom, not an indicator. Similarly, as is the nature of compulsivity, one's desire to end their addiction does not translate to their ability to end it. A germophobe can simply stop washing their hands to end their OCD. An anorexic can simply eat. It just doesn't work this way.



You may not be able to trust that you partner will tell you the complete truth early on in recovery, but that should change rapidly. As they come to see themselves beyond their addiction, as they come to recognize the significant structural damage that has been done to their lives, they recognize that what is at the root of all of their deception is immaturity and self centerdness. Their unwillingness to accept responsibility for their own lives, actions, decisions, etc. This realization allows them to begin acting as the conductor of that train, rather than as a passenger. So, one of the first signs to look for in a sincere recovery is whether or not your partner has recognized that there are structural defects in the foundation of his/her life. That they are emotionally immature and lack efficient adult life management skills.



Someone who doesn't recognize these things? They will try to gain a stranglehold on their recovery by managing the symptoms of the addiction, not the core issues. They will measure their progress through abstinence, rather than effort. Through consequence rather than reality. They will 'do what they are told' rather than doing what is necessary. Recovery will become a series of activities to complete rather than a process of change. And so, if they stop acting out--or, they are not caught in the acting out they continue to engage in--then they consider themselves to be 'in a healthy recovery'.



What you must look for is that they have acknowledged that their addiction is not related to the symptomatic rituals that make up that addiction, but that there is fundamental weakness at the core of their identity.



Sign Two: Change is Generalized Across All Areas of Their Life

The most powerful indicator of a sincere recovery is that they begin to apply what they are learning to their day-to-day life. That they don't compartmentalize and isolate what they learn in recovery to compulsive behavior alone. This is a blessing for you because it provides you with not only a direct link into their sincerity; but an ongoing gauge to use in measuring their overall balance and potential for relapse.



For instance, as your partner learns about emotional immaturity and how to overcome it, they don't limit that development to how it can be applied to urge control. They instead look at other areas of their life and seek out the impact that their immaturity may have had. They look to extend the application of this awareness to help rebuild areas that may have been damaged by it. And, to avoid any future damage. Understand, they don't sit back and wait to be told, they seek out opportunities. They instead seek to gain experience in applying such principles in other areas of their life.



Sign Three: Vulnerability and Transparency

Communication is a major weakness in most people with addictions. Inexplicably, some use recovery as an excuse to perpetuate it. They hide behind a veil of an entitlement to privacy to limit what they share with their partner. This is counter-productive and the exact opposite of what should be taking place. Can a person end their addiction in secrecy and isolation? Yes. Can they recover? No. Recovery involves so much more than mere abstinence and so, a part of recovery is learning to effectively communicate one's true self to the world around them. Nowhere is this more necessary than in the communication shared with one's life partner. There are several reasons why one would want to recover in secrecy--and none of them are healthy.



On the other hand, in a sincere recovery, your partner may initially approach a deepening level of communication with awkwardness, uncomfortableness and even fear...but there is also an element of excitement and even fun. Especially as it begins to open up a new world of intimacy and emotional connection. Vulnerability is essential to healthy communication in recovery.



Transparency--one's willingness to share themselves as they are--is more difficult to achieve with an emotionally immature mind. The pull to avoid further conflict is too great in early recovery to overcome. Rationally, the decision is pretty easy. Be transparent, be honest...and everything can be worked through. The reality though, is that an individual who has spend decades protecting and managing their life through deception is not just going to set down that shield and walk away from it. And so, transparency will be something that should evolve over the early months of recovery. Signs of this evolution will include your partner stopping himself in mid-sentence as he catches himself preparing to use deception in some way. Or, in further disclosure of current/past behavior--though here, the sign of sincerity is that they volunteer this information. If it is forced through being caught, there is little value from a transparency view.



Where transparency really comes into play is in middle and late recovery, when your partner has detached himself from their addiction and thus, feels safe to share with you his ongoing struggles. Shared in an empowered, "I don't know why I'm struggling with these thoughts/feelings, but I am not going to hide from them" way...not in a self-disparaging, passive way.



Sign Four: Proactive versus Reactive

Another key sign of a sincere recovery is your partner's willingness to be proactive, rather than reactive, in managing their life. If they have settled into a pattern of doing what they are told, reading what has been assigned, attending the meetings that are scheduled, dealing with urges as they occur...they have settled into a reactive recovery.

Reactive recoveries are far less efficient and offer significantly diminished results. Take that same recovery and add to it a desire to anticipate threats, prepare for them, master them. Add the desire to seek out personal weaknesses (like intimacy and communication) and work to strengthen them. Add the desire to do what they can, rather than what they must...and you have the makings of a sincere, proactive recovery approach.