Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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jen50 10/27/2013

I know most of you know my story, but briefly: our 22 yo son is a heroin addict, but has been clean and sober for almost 9 months. He was in a residential treatment center for 7 months, and then transitioned to a sober living house. He remains sober / clean, talks the talk (living with integrity, being present, self sufficient, his higher power, blah, blah, blah...). Please don't get me worng...I am very pleased about the progress he has made! But I have to ask....Are addicts always so self centered? If so, does it last forever?
We (my husband, older son, and myself) have been traveling 2-3 hours each way on a regular basis for 4 years trying to stay connected to him and maintain a relationship (go for a quick hike, lunch, coffee, family visit, etc.). He was in town (15 miles from our house) this weekend for an AA convention, and didn't bother even calling. We asked if he could get away for an hour or so to meet for a cup of coffee, a burger, or just a quick visit; however, he texted my husband yesterday AM saying that his House Manager thought it would be a good idea to stick around the convention and he would call later in the day. We haven't even gotten a call. I don't mind so much because I wasn't going to be able to meet up because I am working all weekend, but I think it really hurt my husbands feeleings:(
So my question: Do they eventually walk the walk or just talk the talk???
Feeling saddened...

cardinal39 10/27/2013

First off all 9 months not using herion,,, woohoo,, something one day I'm going to post!!!!!!,,it seems your son is working a great program,, recovery and being clean takes time,, addiction not just about the use if drugs,, in fact it's just a symptom of the addiction,,, self centerness is also a symptom of addiction,,,as far as you driving 4 hours,,honestly did your son ask you to?,,if not that was a choice you made,,as far as this weekend his mind was set on the convention,,if you want him to see you then make a plan with him,, that just engages your family,,, and if it makes you feel any better I have yet met a 22 year old that has to walk the talk ,,, I have a 21 son( not my addict),, boy he sometimes talks the big talk,,,, I just remind,, myself,, actions speak louder then words,,, I tell all my kids,that,,,

Give your son time,,, there is alot of emotions he needs to put in place,, one of them is shame,,, if he working the right program,, one day at a time.

You want to spend time with your son then plan it,, don't just assume he is available,, driving 4 hours is not what keeps a relationship ,,it's what is in the heart,,,

Keep smiling sister

It's not about the storm,, but the ability to dance in the rain,, so shake what your momma gave you!!!

jen50 10/27/2013

Thanks. I know I sound inpatient. As you know it is a long road.
Yes, he did ask for us to come to see him on occasion...other times we initiated the visit. As far as this weekend...he is the one that kept telling us he was going to be in town, and wanted to meet for coffee. We did not push this at all. This was just 1 example. It just seems as though he views life as though it is all about him. And to be honest...it was all about him during his worst times (which lasted a few years)!
I am thankful that he is clean, and working a program!!!! I am simply feeling a little frustrated at the moment:(
I hope and pray that YOU can post regarding your childs sobriety.....soon...
peace....

blueviolet725 10/27/2013

I have to say that the first year was about hanging on to sobriety, the second about learning why my kid was a drunk, the third about learing to live sober, and this year, he was more of a real person...and then he fell in love, and he is still a bit more concerned with his happiness than someone elses (besides the lovely girlfriend)...but I think that that is new love...
yes, they are selfish, and if they weren't focusing so hard on themselves getting better, they would go back to using.
of 25 men in his halfway house, 8 are dead and the rest are using, and he is the only one sober, so I figure, anything it takes is worth it.

we are all flawed human beings, and what we want from adult children and from our recovered addicts, may not be what they want or need. they are birds set to fly free...

sometimes I am so proud and he steps up in family emergencies,and sometimes he doesn't communicate for weeks and I get pissed off....but yet, I dont' want to bother him...so maybe this is all MY problem, not really his....who knows. being a parent is tough.

jainlor 10/27/2013

I think with addicts or non addicts we constantly have to let them go...and so when they don't talk to us or ask us for advice we are hurt but again we have to let them go...maybe by the time they are 25 or 30 they start to appreciate us a bit more. I think all my children are a bit self centred but then again so am I sometimes. sigh...hardest job sometimes is letting them go without us

dmatt124 10/28/2013

Mmhhh! This is a good question, and sometimes I would ask myself will I ever get the apology I thought that we deserved and then I realized I used to say to him don't tell me your going to get well show me. Recovery is a full time job for them especially in the beginning, so I think we can sometimes take it for being selfish, but then again, the act of being selfish was survival for a long time for our addicts, so it is what they know and that alone takes time to change.
I also think all 20 something kids are selfish, they have a sense of entitlement and no matter how much we think we taught them how to be humble and grateful they are finding there way, I know many times as my son was going thought his program I would ask that question, but then. I realized I too was 20 something. And I remember the decisions I made were for me and only me. Congratulations on his sobriety. And thank god every day he is sober and clean, the rest will come.

azkevin 10/28/2013

This is a subject that frequently comes up at my nar-anon meetings. It seems like many of us who are living with sober attics get frustrated by self-centered behavior and what we perceive as an inability on their part to understand how their actions and behaviors affect others. My feeling is that the self-centeredness is wired into many addict's personality, and sobriety won't make that go away. And when you really think about it, that attitude probably existed when they first started using - that the drug or their pleasure was much more important than anything else - otherwise why would they choose to do something that is obviously so dangerous and ignore the worries of their loved ones?

I also agree with what others said - that if just being sober takes all their energy, they may not have the energy left for others.

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