My husband addiction never stopped us but it all depends. What he's addicted to and how bad it is. My hubby is recovering addict of vicodin, alcohol. We have also only been married 6 years and together total 12 years. I have heard so many stories of marriages after so many years falling into the intimacy issue. You are going to have to sit down with him first of all and figure out his addiction first then have the intimate part of the discussion. That is my opinion anyway. Don't jump to any conclusions without talking to him. Take care and I really doubt this has anything to do with you personally. I would work on sobriety first, if he's willing, so you can have your functioning husband back then ask your sober husband if he still wants you. Good Luck.

My experience in dating addicts is that you will always be second place to the addiction. If they are forced to choose, they will always choose the addictive substance over you.

You didn't say what he is addicted to, but I can tell you that many substances can lower sex drive, and can definitely reduce sexual performance in men, including erectile dysfunction. I have firsthand experience knowing that simple things like alcohol or benadryl can cause arousal problems. Perhaps that is part of his problem - and he feels embarrassed about it.

I think in a lot of relationships after 21 years of marriage the intimacy dies down. People have kids, they take up your time, people get set in their ways never making time for togetherness. Then add in the addiction, one spouse is manipulating and lying everything that comes with drug abuse. Meanwhile the other spouse is getting to the point where they are tired of all their spouses crap, which in turn makes them detach more.
Start making little dates, turn off the TV and do something. If his addiction is so bad he sits around and does nothing all the time encourage him to get help. Let him know you miss the intimate times.

my son was very uncareful with sex during his bad times...like bringing home strangers and finding the rent money gone....My husband and I have been together 28 years, and he would want "it" every day if he/I could...so I don't think it is the time together.
From what I read about alcoholics (and I am not sure, but it seems like it would follow for all addicts) is that they get to feeling so badly about themselves, and ashamed that maybe they have just turned off that good feeling as well as the ones they are trying to drown out. If addiction is all about numbing...unless you had a sex addiction, it would seem that sex would be very unnumbing...know what I am trying to say?
Sounds like he is shut down. maybe he feels you will leave him and he is protecting himself, or that he is not worthy...talking about it is about the only way to find out.

I think over time you can almost develop a pattern/habit of not being intimate. My spouse has always insisted we kiss whenever we leave or get back from somewhere. (being too honest) it seemed like a hassle at first to have to find her before I went anywhere, but it's something that I really like now and I'm glad we do it. Maybe some little things like that will move things in the right direction. Hand holding in the car. Sitting next to eachother when watching a movie. Those turn into habits over time, too.

You did not say what he was addcted to? My husband is addicted to meth. Meth has a tendency to increase your sex drive. The problem is that with most hard drugs it increases your SEX drive not the desire to make love. In other words it increases the desire for hard core, dirty sex things that are tabau ( I thinked i spelled that wrong) Sex becomes more of a mental stimulation than physical pleasure. With the meth the body becomes less sensitve it takes much longer to finish sex. It is all about feeding the dark side of the mind. the partner does not matter. Meth also makes a person withdrawl and spend more time alone. and AZKevin is right the addiction takes over and is more important than anyone even the addict. Hard drugs take a person morals and dignity

I agree with everyone,, especially Katrina,,, I almost sure,, the use of drugs or alchol,, would cause the sex drive to diminsh a bit,,, but Katrina is right,, are you putting umph into the marriage?,, after 21 years I'm sure rasing kids,,, husaband and wifes,, become,, Mon and dads,,, We have been married 22 years,,,, We make a point,, of date night,,, where no kids are invovled, nor do we even mention there names,,,,,, I send him "crazy" textes every once in awhile,,, just to let him know,,, I am woman,, not just a mom or grandma,,,,, it's important to keep a candle burning,,, once it burns out,, then there is nothing to see... if you know what I mean,,,

thank you all very much for all great advice..My husband is an alcoholic and took pain /sleeping pills. He doesnt drink anymore( as far as i know) but gets prescribtion meds when he can .
He refuses to go to Marriage Counseling / Family ..His relationship with all of us has changed. My almost adult daughters do not know how good of a person he was( Or will he ever be that person again?)
I thought that once in went into treatment .,We as a Family would also have to go to therapy . I think that was his way of keeping us out of his recovery .Over a year later he was still hiding pills and lying right to my face >Why do they give addicts pills anyway ..He came out of the rehab with all kinds of Pills . We are Way past the point Of a date night .(.I would kill just to be able to talk about simple things) I do believe that he did have problems With Erctile dysfuntion ( He even suggested that I Need to go get Sewed up down there .WoW ( That was probably the Ambien talking) We Always Kissed hugged before leaving each other .. Now he rarely remembers to hug our young son goodbye:( While at the Dr Last Month (after OD'ing..I told the Dr .that My husband was an Amazing Person ..My husband then said "No. No I'm Not" . Im sorry Im all over the Place ,I just really appreicate the advice >>You all Are Awesome !

If he won't go to counseling go for yourself. When he sees you making changes for the better he may follow suite. Sometimes people get stuck in the rut, but we don't have to be stuck in the rut with them. Get a hobby, go to school, I'mm 55 and in college plus have my own business. Do something for you!

i was going to couseling ..I felt as though I didnt Need to be talking to a stranger , when I should be able to talk with my Husband whom Once was My BEST friend .. I do need to get back to a counselor ..You and all the other supportive people On DS is what is keeping me sane ! And you get better advice then the counselor iI was seeing :) SERIOUSLY .. I want to do exactly what you suggest ..Something for Me . I dont ever want hear HIM say "get the F--- out of My house " ever agian .With Kids and pets ..If I leave... they are not staying with Him. I have a small Child whom I take with Me to Appt.s ect . I wont let him take Our son any where After I learned one day he had taken pills and then took my son out..We are getting ready to relocate ..Maybe we should get something either of us could afford if we Seperated ?
I just dont know whether he keeps around cause we cant afford to seperate ..Or is this just another way to CONTROL Me ..Because He cant control Himself?

Stisia, that is so not true. Maybe for some addicts and for some drugs. A lot of drug abuse leads to impotence or a lack of sexual desire. Especially alcohol, sleeping pills and pain pills. Even cocaine, heroin, etc. Every addict is different.

Bottom line is its true that you can't help him. That's the worst position to be in, not being able to do anything about it. All you can do is take care of you. The only thing you can do is talk to him about treatment, have an intervention, etc. But ultimately, its up to him.

Good luck to you!!! I wish you the best!!!

*HUGS*

Mee Shell; Meth works on the center part of the human brain. This is the part that regulates the more primitive aspects of our mental process. The center deals with such things as pleasure, cravings, and instinctive actions without regard to reason, logic, or higher functions of thinking.

The front part of the brain, or the administrative part is what controls higher level thinking. These areas include logic, analysis, morality and the ability to reach rational decisions based upon fact, truth, and global methods of viewing a situation. When meth is used, the front part of the brain gets ignored. It is as if reason, and logic get shut down.

The center part of the brain gets highly stimulated from meth. The user has an urgency to find something that defies logic, common sense, decency, and moral virtue in order to gratify the need that meth has created.
As time goes on, what served as adequate titillation, and excitement, soon becomes boring and mundane and the meth user needs more perverse and more bizarre stimulation to satisfy the need created by meth use.
Crack does the same. http://science.howstuffworks.com/crack4.htm

Thank you Katrinka. I don't know much about meth use, I must admit. However, the prior statement I was referring to said most hard drugs, and that isn't true. The author of this post said he was an alcoholic and took sleeping pills. I didn't want her thinking he was most likely out on the street getting lots of hard core sex while igoring her.

Mee shell, All is good ! ...Hope I never have to deal with Meth...
oxy and ambien are bad enough ..Just wish this S*** Didnt exist !
I do know someone who has had fully recovered from Meth ..He is A wonderful Man ..God is Good !