Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Wife has had osteo arthritis in hips and knees for a while now.
She mostly managed this with natural supplements and the osteo bi flex stuff.
occasionally I would find 1 pill of some odd type mixed in with the midol (she thought i would never look there i am sure..I started looking because a cooworker who was pretty trashed at a company banquet let me know he occasionally supplied her with one or two (preface to asking me if there was anything i needed).
I pretty much justified it for her,she was managing with supplements..it was occasional,she probably could have had something prescribed so one one or two here and there when you are in that much pain seemed justified.
Later the supplier was let go cause he failed a drug test,I saw no more pills after that for a while. When asked later she denied she ever got anything from him,(I mentioned his rambling at the banquet when he got fired.)
About a year later there was an incident where I enetered the bedroom unexpectadly,it was not purposefull,the bed is really close to the door.
the door hit her in the ass, the picture frame with no picture in it was laid out on the bed there was white powder on it. rather than move she tried to block my opening the door,I saw her palm the straw in her hand, She threw a nearby shirt over the frame.
I am not the most confrontational person,I asked her about it that evening,I was paranoid,she didnt do drugs,i was an accusational asshole. I backed off and I saw no more of it for a long while.
About 6 months ago the straws and straw rappers and hallowed out pens started appearing,upstairs bathroom,,downstairs bathroom,bedroom,living room couch, car,she doesnt use them in her drinks.
about 3 months ago the bruises start to appear on her upper arm,she carries a belt and a scarf in her large bag every day she doesnt wear either,there are occasionally what look like needle marks.
she has scabs on her back, arms and legs where she picks at herself.
she has alternating insomnia and lethargia. i confront ,she denies,i am still a paranoid accusational asshole. When the signs too obvious (in my opinion) to ignore I confronted and wouldnt back down so she threatened to divorce me,I started looking at the finances taking the threat seriously
and there is alot of money missing i cant account for,bills wernt getting paid she said were...she wants me gone (so she says) but cant seem to formulate a plan as to how thats going to work.
I dont want to leave her in what i feel is a situation spiraling out of control,I will still try and help no matter what and as I am still a paranoid asshole feel that until she admits anything i am butting my head against the wall no matter how obvious her behaviors are.
I also wonder if seperating and splitting the finances will make it less easy for her to do what I am most positive she is doing.
She mostly managed this with natural supplements and the osteo bi flex stuff.
occasionally I would find 1 pill of some odd type mixed in with the midol (she thought i would never look there i am sure..I started looking because a cooworker who was pretty trashed at a company banquet let me know he occasionally supplied her with one or two (preface to asking me if there was anything i needed).
I pretty much justified it for her,she was managing with supplements..it was occasional,she probably could have had something prescribed so one one or two here and there when you are in that much pain seemed justified.
Later the supplier was let go cause he failed a drug test,I saw no more pills after that for a while. When asked later she denied she ever got anything from him,(I mentioned his rambling at the banquet when he got fired.)
About a year later there was an incident where I enetered the bedroom unexpectadly,it was not purposefull,the bed is really close to the door.
the door hit her in the ass, the picture frame with no picture in it was laid out on the bed there was white powder on it. rather than move she tried to block my opening the door,I saw her palm the straw in her hand, She threw a nearby shirt over the frame.
I am not the most confrontational person,I asked her about it that evening,I was paranoid,she didnt do drugs,i was an accusational asshole. I backed off and I saw no more of it for a long while.
About 6 months ago the straws and straw rappers and hallowed out pens started appearing,upstairs bathroom,,downstairs bathroom,bedroom,living room couch, car,she doesnt use them in her drinks.
about 3 months ago the bruises start to appear on her upper arm,she carries a belt and a scarf in her large bag every day she doesnt wear either,there are occasionally what look like needle marks.
she has scabs on her back, arms and legs where she picks at herself.
she has alternating insomnia and lethargia. i confront ,she denies,i am still a paranoid accusational asshole. When the signs too obvious (in my opinion) to ignore I confronted and wouldnt back down so she threatened to divorce me,I started looking at the finances taking the threat seriously
and there is alot of money missing i cant account for,bills wernt getting paid she said were...she wants me gone (so she says) but cant seem to formulate a plan as to how thats going to work.
I dont want to leave her in what i feel is a situation spiraling out of control,I will still try and help no matter what and as I am still a paranoid asshole feel that until she admits anything i am butting my head against the wall no matter how obvious her behaviors are.
I also wonder if seperating and splitting the finances will make it less easy for her to do what I am most positive she is doing.
I can't tell you what to do but what I've done is that I keep my money separate from his (this is easier for me than you as I'm not married to him) this way, it's only his money he has to use. I don't pay his bills and I never keep more than $20 on me in cash. This helps me not to feel taken advantage of.
I don't know really anything else to offer as I'm struggling with the fact that I love an addict. Part of me wants to give up and move on...and another part of me loves him beyond all reason and wants to help him get past this (he is trying to quit.)
Good luck!
Her saying your an asswhole is part of the addiction side of her. Addicts lash out, get mad when confronted. They will lie, steal anything to get and use the drugs.
Confront her, tell her you know she is using drugs and tell her she needs to do something to get help.
You can't make an addict quit, that is something they have to want for themselves. But you don't have to enable her. So close accounts where she can get money. Make her pay her fair share, don't do or pay for anything she should be doing for herself.
Learn how not to enable, let her know you love her but she has a problem she needs to address.
The truth is unless she quits very few people can remain with an active addict. It takes a toll on your life. I was married to one for almost 12 years, he was my best friend and I still miss him. My life has alot less drama now, the lies, stealing, pawning of things got to be too much.
The normal reaction for her is to deny everything, to lash out and make you think that you are crazy. If she admits to what she's doing, it means the game is up. She can't face that, so she keeps pushing you away, hoping that she can continue to take money and use it to get high, while still having a husband, a home, and a source of funds.
If you do nothing, she will wipe you out financially and continue using drugs, with her addiction spiraling out of control. There are only three endings for an addict. Cleaned up, locked up, or covered up. She's not going to choose cleaned up on her own and you can't make her choose to get clean. All that you can do is to make her addiction more painful so she will have more incentive to change. Every addict needs to find their rock bottom. Your only option is raise the bottom. But, this is out of your control. For some addicts, there is no rock bottom.
I think your idea of separating and splitting the finances may be a good idea, but I would first give her the opportunity to admit that she has a problem and seek treatment. A legal separation if she chooses not to admit her problem could protect you financially, stop enabling and give her consequences for her addiction. That may or may not get her to admit a problem. If not, you may need to eventually divorce.
Above all, you need to protect yourself. Check out an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. Read the book CoDependent No More. See an attorney about protecting yourself financially and work on finding some peace. Good luck to you.