Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Alcohol addiction is a clear example of what I call a love Buster because it causes so much suffering in marriage. Besides being physically and emotionally harmful to alcoholics themselves, addiction is also harmful to those whose lives touch them. Addiction makes people insensitive to the feelings of those who care most for them, and they will stop at nothing to feed their addiction
An alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.
But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of alcoholics are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable
Because your husband is in love with alcohol, he will not take your feelings into account when he has an opportunity to drink. He goes to a bar after work, when he knows it will upset you. Then, doesn't come home for dinner, upsetting you further. He may call, telling you where he is, thinking he has made an incredible effort to be considerate. Finally, at 3:00 in the morning, he comes home drunk. The next day he wants you to forget about it.
Why would anyone want to put up with an alcoholic husband? It's usually because he or she keeps holding out hope, as you have, that some day the addiction will be over. But as you become older, and the best years of your life seem to be behind you, a feeling of hopelessness will grip you, and a deep and pervasive depression caused by the destructive behavior of your alcoholic spouse will overcome you.
If you want to remain married to your husband, and avoid depression at the same time, I highly recommend that you do something other than hold out hope for his recovery. I suggest that you attend an Alanon support group (it is listed in the white pages of your telephone directory). You will learn what co-dependency is and how you've been co-dependent all these years.
You must learn to regard your husband as hopelessly lost to his alcohol, and that any effort you make to try to please him will not be reciprocated. His lover will always be alcohol and that's that. You have never had a chance for a normal marriage with him and never will have a chance as long as he's addicted.
This message of mine may seem depressing to you when what you want is hope. But actually it is the path that will lead you out of your depression. As soon as you realize that he will not meet your needs, and you cannot meet his, you will find your depression lifting.
emotional needs cannot be consistently met by an alcoholic spouse, nor can someone meet an alcoholic's needs. It's also hopeless to try to "fix" alcoholic spouses. They either fix themselves, or they don't get fixed. With these realities in mind, if you want to remain married to an alcoholic, you must learn to raise emotional defenses in order to survive the pain of the marriage.
The training you receive in Alanon will teach you how to be emotionally withdrawn from a husband who does not have your best interests at heart. But if you were to have married someone without an addiction, the same advice could ruin your marriage because you would be encouraged to withdraw from a man who actually could have met your needs.
In your case, however, your husband cannot, and will not meet your emotional needs, and you will never be able to meet his, until he becomes sober. So if you want to remain married to an alcoholic, you may have no other choice but to accept the advice of the co-dependency movement and be emotionally withdrawn from him. Alanon is a good place to learn how to do that.
An alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.
But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of alcoholics are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable
Because your husband is in love with alcohol, he will not take your feelings into account when he has an opportunity to drink. He goes to a bar after work, when he knows it will upset you. Then, doesn't come home for dinner, upsetting you further. He may call, telling you where he is, thinking he has made an incredible effort to be considerate. Finally, at 3:00 in the morning, he comes home drunk. The next day he wants you to forget about it.
Why would anyone want to put up with an alcoholic husband? It's usually because he or she keeps holding out hope, as you have, that some day the addiction will be over. But as you become older, and the best years of your life seem to be behind you, a feeling of hopelessness will grip you, and a deep and pervasive depression caused by the destructive behavior of your alcoholic spouse will overcome you.
If you want to remain married to your husband, and avoid depression at the same time, I highly recommend that you do something other than hold out hope for his recovery. I suggest that you attend an Alanon support group (it is listed in the white pages of your telephone directory). You will learn what co-dependency is and how you've been co-dependent all these years.
You must learn to regard your husband as hopelessly lost to his alcohol, and that any effort you make to try to please him will not be reciprocated. His lover will always be alcohol and that's that. You have never had a chance for a normal marriage with him and never will have a chance as long as he's addicted.
This message of mine may seem depressing to you when what you want is hope. But actually it is the path that will lead you out of your depression. As soon as you realize that he will not meet your needs, and you cannot meet his, you will find your depression lifting.
emotional needs cannot be consistently met by an alcoholic spouse, nor can someone meet an alcoholic's needs. It's also hopeless to try to "fix" alcoholic spouses. They either fix themselves, or they don't get fixed. With these realities in mind, if you want to remain married to an alcoholic, you must learn to raise emotional defenses in order to survive the pain of the marriage.
The training you receive in Alanon will teach you how to be emotionally withdrawn from a husband who does not have your best interests at heart. But if you were to have married someone without an addiction, the same advice could ruin your marriage because you would be encouraged to withdraw from a man who actually could have met your needs.
In your case, however, your husband cannot, and will not meet your emotional needs, and you will never be able to meet his, until he becomes sober. So if you want to remain married to an alcoholic, you may have no other choice but to accept the advice of the co-dependency movement and be emotionally withdrawn from him. Alanon is a good place to learn how to do that.
Join the Conversation