can I tell you that your reasoning for not going to a meeting is exactly what most addicts say? I don't really care if you go or not...just a point of education. (I went to a few....they weren't for me. but I like the books, and several others....I did LOVE the therapy sessions at rehab, if your son ever goes)

If you KNEW he was drunk, you should have hung up. why subject yourself to this torture? Or record him and let him hear himself.
We can't change them, we can only change ourselves.
send him a copy of this...does he know how it hurts you?

my son was 23 when he got sober...so here is hoping!!!!

and I think your reaction is totally normal. I felt that way all the time too. We can't beat ourselves up over why...it isn't always bad upbringing, abuse, unlove, etc...it is addiction, and addiction is insane.

It's hard to explain living in a town of 6,000 where you've lived your entire life. My mother & father were both alcoholics, among other things. People remember them & have made comments to me about them. This small town is very cliquish & judgmental. You cant go into any grocery store or shop without running into 10 people you know. They are very brash & don't hesitate to confront you & ask nosy questions or spread gossip. I know it shouldn't affect me so much, but the last thing I want or need is to be speculated about. I didn't say anyone should care if I go to meetings or not, just wanted to vent a little. I hope I can say my son is sober in a year at 23.

you know, I was in a small town...Christian Ed director at a pretty large church. My kid was on our small town court tv every tuesday and thursday night for a whole month. repeat of his court appearance.
I know about people talking.

blueviolet, I don't know why people just cant mind their own business & sweep their own doorsteps before judging others. Will never happen.

It's so frustrating when our kids refuse help! And yes they will always be our 'kid' no matter how old they are.
I never went to a meeting either, fortunately this site was enough for me. Maybe you could do something else like take a walk when you get frustrated and sad about your son.

I'm not sure that people would gossip. There are certainly other people in your town who are going to meetings. Have you ever heard about any of them? My guess is that you haven't, because people in Al-Anon keep it anonymous.

If you are worried, it's not necessary to talk. When your turn comes up, you can just say "pass". Also, I've been to many meetings where people do not even talk about their problems. There's generally a topic related to one of the 12 steps and people say whatever comes to their mind about the topic. It's hard to tell if a person is there because of a spouse, a friend, a child, a parent or a sibling. That's because the discussion is focused on how you, as a person affected by someone's addiction, can learn to accept it and make your own life better.

I recommend giving it a try.

donna, if we had al-anon meetings here, I would go & do what you suggest, just listen. I just wish there was someone other than my husband I could talk to face to face or over the phone. I don't discuss the problem with anyone but my husband. He views it as "no big deal, he will grow up & get over it". My husband didn't grow up around alcoholism like I did & has always been dismissive of my feelings. I find myself feeling resentful toward my hubby because he gave my son his first drink, & drank with him starting when my son was 17. I am getting better, & have come a LONG way in forgiving him. I'm starting to get disgusted with my son. Thank you for your thoughts.

Sounds so familiar...however it was drugs and not alcohol. He called because he knew you would answer the phone and he could play on your sympathy. I allowed my son to do this for way too long. It killed me to keep trying to figure out why he didn't understand or care what it was doing to me. I couldn't tell you how long I cried. I think until I ran out of tears and was exhausted. I allowed it to keep going on because "I loved him so much". My son about destroyed my life...and didn't seem to care. He now sits....waiting on g/jury indictments. He's been in rehab for 7 months and is waiting to go back to jail. I lost everything financially, mentally, emotionally. Hopefully, he will have the help he needs now. I enabled him...not helped him. I finally learned the difference. You have to let him go...let him make his own mistakes. He is grown and you've done everything you can do. This is HIS choice. There is no telling how many years this took away from my life.....I wouldn't recommend waiting it out.....as it will only hurt you. This isn't your fault.....you didn't make him do this.....you provided all the tools he needed to become a responsible man....He chose not to use them. Sorry...this just opens up some really rotten wounds that I'm so desperately trying to heal. Good luck to you...

Can you at least see a therapist for yourself?
As far as the meetings being in your town..you could make "friends" in the same situation because they are there for the same reasons.

You have to come to a point where your health and happiness doesn't depend on what others think or do...including your son. I can preach but I don't always follow these rules with my son but I do try.

Going to these types of meetings means your strong and willing to fight whatever you have to-to get well and the meeting would even help you to help your son get well by giving you tools on how to deal with him in a more healthy manner.

I really wish you could get past the point of caring about what others think and care more about your health and well being.

As far as answering the phone. I wouldn't answer it for his calls anymore. I would immediately text him after the call came thru and ask....Are you sober? And if he doesn't answer YES..than I would text...I'm sorry..I can't talk to you drunk anymore...but if you are in dire need of help for any reason, please leave a message or text me and I will see what I can do...and always end with "love you".

Good idea Missy, I will try that. I TRULY cannot handle ONE MORE drunken phone call from him.

Yea..gordo..that way you don't feel like your ignoring him..but you don't have to hear the drunk talk either.

That's great advice from Missy!