Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
As most of you know, we took Jimmy's car (and all Financial support) away when he came back from Florida and did not finish rehab. The car has since been sold, and in order to get around, he has been using his girlfriend's car.
We refused to give him gas money for her car (unless he was job hunting) as we both have agreed that he needs to change and gain some responsibility. She has been supporting him financially.
Jimmy is ready to start a new job on Monday (his 10th in three years) His father will be driving him most mornings as the job is 5 mins from our home. And his girlfriend can pick him up on way home or, in my preference, Learn to take the bus. But, as many of you know, Jimmy feels that he is too good to take a public bus. Although his mother takes one home from her job in the city every single day.
Jimmy found out that he will not be getting paid for the training portion of his job until he completes his first month of actual employment after the training has finished. I think that they must have a high turnover rate for drivers and they don't want to invest the money in Jimmy if he will suddenly be leaving them.
Anyway, Ted springs the idea on me this morning that he would like to buy Jimmy a $2000 used car and put it all under his name, his insurance, his registration etc. Ted tries to explain it to me, stating that Jim would be paying for this entire car himself and that shouldn't he have a little bit of something to feel good about because we took everything away from him and maybe this will make him feel a little bit better about himself. I was flipping out to say the least.
My response was no. Jimmy has not earned the car, he has not even been in a job for any steady amount of time, he has an 19 year-old brother who will probably get up pack up and walk out on us if we continue to enable Jimmy over and over again with no consequences for his behavior. My 15 year old will see another epic
Fail by his parents.
I asked Ted, have you even thought about Paul's feelings (my 19-year-old)? If he continues to see us reward Jimmy for doing absolutely nothing he will hate us. Plain and simple, there is no other way to describe the emotion. And Jimmy has constantly blamed Ted and me for all of the unhappiness in his life. So just because he is starting a new job right now why wouldn't we wait maybe 2 to 3 months to see if this job will actually work out, then MAYBE if he is showing some SHRED of responsibility and can afford the insurance, gas etc we chip in.
I don't live in rural area. I live in a major city where there is constant bus subway and other forms of transportation for Jimmy to take he is just lazy. And he blames the fact that he can't get a job on the fact that he does not have a car of his own. So now that my husband Ted has seen some positive changes in Jimmy (and I must admit yes there have been positive changes), he now wants to consider giving in and get him a car.
Thoughts??? Am I right or too rigid??
We refused to give him gas money for her car (unless he was job hunting) as we both have agreed that he needs to change and gain some responsibility. She has been supporting him financially.
Jimmy is ready to start a new job on Monday (his 10th in three years) His father will be driving him most mornings as the job is 5 mins from our home. And his girlfriend can pick him up on way home or, in my preference, Learn to take the bus. But, as many of you know, Jimmy feels that he is too good to take a public bus. Although his mother takes one home from her job in the city every single day.
Jimmy found out that he will not be getting paid for the training portion of his job until he completes his first month of actual employment after the training has finished. I think that they must have a high turnover rate for drivers and they don't want to invest the money in Jimmy if he will suddenly be leaving them.
Anyway, Ted springs the idea on me this morning that he would like to buy Jimmy a $2000 used car and put it all under his name, his insurance, his registration etc. Ted tries to explain it to me, stating that Jim would be paying for this entire car himself and that shouldn't he have a little bit of something to feel good about because we took everything away from him and maybe this will make him feel a little bit better about himself. I was flipping out to say the least.
My response was no. Jimmy has not earned the car, he has not even been in a job for any steady amount of time, he has an 19 year-old brother who will probably get up pack up and walk out on us if we continue to enable Jimmy over and over again with no consequences for his behavior. My 15 year old will see another epic
Fail by his parents.
I asked Ted, have you even thought about Paul's feelings (my 19-year-old)? If he continues to see us reward Jimmy for doing absolutely nothing he will hate us. Plain and simple, there is no other way to describe the emotion. And Jimmy has constantly blamed Ted and me for all of the unhappiness in his life. So just because he is starting a new job right now why wouldn't we wait maybe 2 to 3 months to see if this job will actually work out, then MAYBE if he is showing some SHRED of responsibility and can afford the insurance, gas etc we chip in.
I don't live in rural area. I live in a major city where there is constant bus subway and other forms of transportation for Jimmy to take he is just lazy. And he blames the fact that he can't get a job on the fact that he does not have a car of his own. So now that my husband Ted has seen some positive changes in Jimmy (and I must admit yes there have been positive changes), he now wants to consider giving in and get him a car.
Thoughts??? Am I right or too rigid??
If Jimmy were working for 2 to 3 months steady, showing a little bit of responsibility, you know making a life for himself, maybe I would consider doing this. But not now. It is just too soon.
Eventually, he "fell in love" with another drug addict, two years later he left home because she was pregnant, father kept enabling by giving him money, I hadn't seen him in three years. His addiction was that bad, my decision to distance myself from the insanity and pain was that strong. A few months ago he was kicked out by the g/f because the big time money enabling stopped. He has been living with my parents since then. He was recently kicked out of his methadone programme. The enabling, according to my opinion is continuing. He does as he wishes.
His situation, my parents' enabling and parents' pain have done a lot of damage to me. You are so right, SO right to think of your other son. Your husbands words are like hearing my father all over again.
Sorry for the long post. There's no way to tell you loud enough that your way of thinking is what will actually help your son, despite his current state of denial. Let him take responsibility for his actions and thoughts. It's the best thing you can do for him as the parent of your sons.
Earning something has worth, and that builds self esteem
Handing it to someone shows you don't think they can do it for themselves.
Hind sight is 20/20, but I can't help but to think if we all would have said "no more" sooner that we wouldn't be on this site for support. Actually, that probably isn't true. I truly believe that none of us "caused" our loved ones to become addicts. I just wish I would have stopped the enabling sooner! I am getting so much better though :)
Hang in there, and stand firm. You are acting in everyone's best interest!
Hugs and prayers....
We had a lot if guidelines in place before they got here. So far they are doing all of them. They go to meetings, both found jobs, and take mass transportation. I drive them to interviews and job training when I can but they do understand the bus system.
It's not easy at all saying no to our kids. We want them to be "normal" and function as adults. I think you are doing the right thing. Your husband seems to be enabling.
My daughter who was my sons (Addict) twin, stood by his side through everything, but she also saw that we kept setting boundaries but not adhering to them. Siblings offer valuable insight, because they are not as emotionally invested as we are, so they have much clearer and logical thoughts. i didn't release how my daughter was becoming a casualty of my sons addiction, until one night when he came home high and we said the next time you will choose to no longer live here, she yelled Mom and Dad you said this was the last time, if you can't do it I can. It was at that moment I saw not only what it was doing to her, but how me and husband needed to take control. When my son went to Florida my husband and I would not send his car. For six months he has no car, me and my husband bought him a bike, and guess what that is what he drove to and from work each day. Everyone has to do things in there own time, but you and your husband have to be as tight as a fist, that Jimmy cannot break through.
When he would be doing well for a few weeks, his dad and I would entertain the thought of getting him a cheap car mainly because we were having to cart him everywhere that our bus system (which is very limited) did not reach. Well, invariably, something would go wrong. He'd screw up at his job and lose it, or he'd relapse, and his money would vaporize. We'd then realize that he's as incapable of owning a car as he is of leading a "normal" life, of handling "normal" responsibilities, and that if we did buy him a car, we'd eventually get stuck with the upkeep and the responsibility for it.. Plus, we'd be afraid that if he relapsed, he'd again use the car to somehow finance his addiction.
My thoughts? Stick to your guns. If public transportation in your city is as easily accessible as you say it is, there's no reason why your son can't use it.
At least, wait until he's been at his job for some time and has saved enough to cover 6 months of insurance.
Good luck and stay the course, as difficult as it is.