OKAY, so MOMMY RADAR is RIGHT ON! I got concerned and called his counselor, whom supposedly he signed a release for me to talk to her, which he did NOT! And she, in code, asked me if I knew where he was.....Yup, looks like the old GF won this yet again, seems he is NOT at rehab. She told me to reach out to him to have him get in touch with his caregivers asap....wtf?

Tried calling him, he is not answering the phone he has....

It's not all sunshine and roses, this thing called addiction and I'm sad to say, I'm ALL DONE now...this is THE LAST STRAW! He is ON HIS OWN!

This SUCKS and I'm so freaking ANGRY right now!

OMG! CAN THE VA SCREW UP ANYTHING MORE?

I admit when I'm wrong. I lvm for him with emergency...he calls, I confront him, he says 'Mom, I'm in class right now!', Mommy goes all accusatory! He says his real counselor will call....a call comes in FROM the VA via the caller id, and it's his daily counselor to let me know he IS there he is doing REALLY good, he is a great guy and a pleasure to be helping although his room is messy! LOL...

That woman had me in a TAIL SPIN so bad that I have been crying for about what an hour now? And I do not cry!

So my son called and we talked and I apologized and he did admit that he met with her, took in a movie and dinner and when he got back he was piss tested and breathalyzied and he didn't do anything nor will he!

So, it goes to show how much damage these kids do to those who really love them the most....

I'm screwed up, so now it's time to work on my mindset. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop is NOT pleasant....it will take work

Sorry for my ramblings today....I have the truth now, and the assurance from the counselor himself and feel much better....ARG...

It still SUCKS!

yup. we get as sick as the addict.
so...you learned from this...let it go.
my mom always says that bad news travels fast.
I always trusted my instincts too....but then? he got sober and grew up and I lost the ability.
SO, you were kind of right, but kind of wrong...you have to trust that he is getting well and making good choices.
and you have to put it all in god's hands.
you are making yourself crazy, girlfriend. I have been there.
we need to get well. we should be able to. maybe we just aren't used to spending all that energy (that we spent on them) on us!
if it was nicer weather, I would say, go garden...something to get grounded.
breathe. breathe. do yoga, or sing or dance or all of it...or take a run (I wouldn't dare)(if you see me running, you better run because something is chasing me)...or something.
I have been where you are...and you can do better. you need to...for you.
and he has to forgive you for being so vigilant- it is what you have lived for so long....be happy. he is sober and well. HUG

oh I have been where you are. even when they are doing well we don't trust them or believe them and they need us to trust them! sooo hard. work on letting go. maybe go to a few nar anon classes if you can or check in here daily. I was as sick as he was and it was SO HARD FOR ME TO JUST LET GO. HUGS AND PRAYERS XOXO

Don't be too hard on yourself for thinking the worst sadly it is what they trained us to do with all the lying and manipulation that goes hand in hand with their addiction . Think about it if you did believe him you would be calling yourself naive and an enabler sadly there are no right/ wrong manuals with addiction . It is probably even innate to not believe him since you were burned sooooooo. Many times before. Like you Blue Janlor and probably the rest of us on here I have also done what you did we want so so badly to believe them but reality is trust is non existent at this stage it takes time to rebuild as it does with anything that has been destroyed. In time if he continues to do well and prove it you will start to trust again and I pray he stays on the right path this time . Hugs Dee

Thank you all! I was in SUCH an awful tail spin. That woman had NO idea what she was saying. But my Son had the counselor call and talk to me, calls me from the VA # so I know he's there....and what AMAZED me was his understanding of it. He said 'Mom, I made you think this way, I'm so sorry for that, for all the pain I've caused you guys." He had SO much to say that made me realize that I too must reprogram myself and leave the past behind.

I have to say, talking to him, he is a different person.

I pray, I have faith that God will direct him, that he was given the miracle of life and as he says 'Any day I wake up, Mom, is a good day, even if I get down, or feel tired or have a bad moment, I remind myself that I HAVE THE DAY.'.....so he realizes he has been given the gift of another day, without any brain damage, physical damage, he realizes....

So thank you all for your prayers and hugs and I couldn't get through this without you all!
God Bless, you're all in my prayers....

I'm so happy that his counselor called him and he's back on track.

Don't feel guilty about not trusting him. The way I look at it, our kids went for a long time doing things they shouldn't have, while we gave them trust they didn't deserve. If they eventually have us not trusting them when they do deserve it, I consider it karma.

Just try not to make yourself crazy. We've been trained to picture the worst and take any sign of hope as proof of recovery. I eventually started feeling better when I learned that life with an addict is a series of ups and downs. I don't let myself get too high with the good times or too low with the bad times because I know that more ups and downs are coming. As long as there's a general upward trend, I am very happy.

Prayers and hugs. Lots of prayers and hugs!

Hi, I am curious, you said V.A. is your son a veteran? I am asking because well let me explain. my husband is a veteran. We have been together for 16 years. The first 2 years I was an addict with him. Well I am still trying to wrap my head around that. I drank a lot, did all the drugs that he did, and partied just as much. I however didn't have to do it and only did it because I wanted to be with him. We moved states and started a sober life. I am now almost 14 years sober. He however has battled with alcohol, and cocaine addiction for most of our years together. We have a child, 9 years old and I never went back to that lifestyle. So I must say that in some cases if one person is strong enough than it can work. BUT in my honest opinion I don't think two addicts can work. The truth is though I was right there with him and technically am considered an addict myself, I don't think I was ever controlled. So my point is your concerns to me are valid even though some people may consider my situation an exception to the rule. I work very hard at controlling his addictions. It has been hard at times. But I push him to be better and until two years ago I managed to keep him in line for the most part. We separated and he had to hit rock bottom again on his own for him to see. I would never allow this behavior around our child. He is now recovering again after 8 months in forced treatment. The V.A. finally diagnosed him with Bi Polar and Depression and he takes medication for it. I am now a full time student going for my Masters in Psychology with the plans of working at the V. A. and Veterans with substance abuse and PTSD. I am almost done. With all the knowledge I have learned it still hits home when it is your loved one. I understand your frustrations. Until he or she for that matter truly decides to sober up they will not be good for each other. That is the hard truth. And I don't mean a month of two. You have to really be done like I was. Changed states friends and left it all behind. Usually that would include the person you used with. I however am such a control freak I thought I can make him stop because I stopped myself. That worked for a long time. But addiction never goes away. Its a battle for him. We work hard to make sure he never goes back to that life. I hate to say that there is nothing you can do until one of them is truly done with that life but its the truth. My advice. You can not allow their actions to keep you always in turmoil. Only he can change this. You are not to blame. Take deep breathes and allow the process of healing begin with yourself. Live your life. He is an adult now and if he wants to change he will. Just be there for him if he stays on the path. But if he goes back to that life cut it out until he wakes up. I wish you the best of luck. I pray for your strength. I know it has to be hard to just let go when it is your child but sometimes that is what is best for them and for you. You can not enjoy your life if you want to invest so much in his when he is not doing good. He has to be the one to change. I say all this with best wishes. I know it because I lived it. I am not sure knowing what I know now if I would have stayed trying to change someone myself. I love my husband and I am thankful for our beautiful daughter but it is so hard when I think about the years that went through feeling like you do now when the truth is I was an enabler. Good luck

Katchley, yes he is in a VA rehab currently and they are a blessing. I'm amazed at your strength and determination, that says volumes and that you are getting your masters and paying it forward. Your insight and knowledge will benefit SO many that want to get help and stop their destructive path, but are afraid and don't know where to begin. He and I have talked in length about his gf, she is now working on her sobriety and he got together with her, he assures me that should she decide to return to that 'life', he will NOT have any part of it, he will walk away. As he said 'we can agree to disagree on this subject, Mom'.....so I will guide, I will listen and I WILL continue praying that he stays on this path. He too said the same thing, he wants to leave all his 'friends', wishes he could move to another place where he can 'start fresh'. He has an electronics background and was studying to get his electricians license, which he wants to continue. He also said, he would like to work for the VA and help others in any way he can. The kid has a huge heart, he is not violent or vengeful, he is a good heart. They diagnosed him with PTSD. They did test him for Bi-polar and depression as well. I'm taking it one day at a time and happy for every day he wakes up sober. Thanks for your insight, i wish you SO much success. The VA is complicated, and there are 'some' that just don't care, they are collecting a 'paycheck' and that's it. It takes someone like you, who's 'been there and done that' to understand, to learn, to pass the knowledge and strength and understanding. Thank you for that. The VA needs more like that. I hope that your hubby stays on track and that you both continue to find peace and love each day.

Don't feel bad about having trust issues. I feel like we are entitled after being traumatized by the addict's behavior. I struggle with my trust issues with my son on a daily basis. I don't think I will ever feel 100 percent relaxed and I have told him to just get used to it. It is a daily struggle. I am glad your son is doing well. I pray for all of our addicted loved ones and their families.