Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
When I walked away from my ex 7 years ago, I thought I was done with addicts. Well, I knew my 24 year old son was smoking weed and for a time I was picking my battles. And, quite frankly, I had a lot more to worry about in my own life. In August I had to move back in with my parents and this is where my son lives. He has been "unable" to find a job and he is helping them where they need help. And they do need help. Help I can't even provide. Anyway, shortly after I moved in here I discovered that he was stealing my mom's pain pills and selling them to buy weed. We talked about it and he knows I don't play games, so I hoped it was over. Last week, I discovered that he had taken $20 when he stopped at the grocery store for me. Last night, while he was out, I decided to check my mother's checking account. With me living here, trying to get my social security disability, money is VERY tight. I have none...but am helping out with food stamps. Anyway, I discovered last night that in the last week, he has stolen $80 out of my mom's checking account. Even though she is taking her purse into her bedroom, he still stole the debit card. I called him to get home and my mom told him he was done using her car. I usually rant and rave and carry on...but I'm done. I said nothing last night. She handled it very nicely. She even told him if money is missing again, she calls the cops. At this point, I don't want to scream....but I want to handle this the way I should. No more "enabling" (Easy to get back in that mode when you think you are done) Any hints, any reminders of my years of Alanon...would be helpful. Several months ago, he borrowed my Ipod for a trip and I realized last night, I let him keep it. So, today I will ask for that back. I've kind of felt sorry that he's had to live here and take care of my parents. (They are quite a challenge) And I have some guilt because I should have left their father years before I did and my 2nd husband before I did. And both men did end up to be abusive. But I also can't spend my life saying "I'm sorry" every day. My mom said to me last week that even though my son tells me he doesn't want to see me die......(and that is a possibility)....he does seem to like to see me suffer.
You may have to start keeping valuables in a safety deposit box where he cant access them.
I would force the issue of him getting a job because once he starts working he will be to busy to steal and he will have his own money so any program that you are able to get him into to assist with finding employment would be a good option.
I would say the last resort would be to involve the police but unfortunately if he continues to steal then you will be left with no other option and he will have to learn the hard way. Some kids just need to learn the hard way but once the police are involved they wont just go away when everything is fine again they will always keep a close eye and he will be labelled by society.
It is a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck. You did the right thing by leaving your abusive spouses and you should not apologize to people for mistakes you made in the past. You were caught in a cycle of abuse and you were strong enough to get out of it. You should be proud of yourself.
Take Care Best Wishes *hugs*
I had some guilt associated with my ex and our children, but my therapist told me I did nothing wrong and once a person becomes an adult it is their responsibility how they live their life. To let them make their mistakes and hopefully they learn from those mistakes.
Addicts are willing to do whatever they have to do to get there next fix, whether that is weed, heroin, or anything in between or beyond. They love you, but when that urge is so strong they will kill for their next fix. Most do not kill, but yet some have.
Your son is only 24 and I imagine he does have some issues with how you decided to live with addicts and abuse, which must have had an impact on him.
I know almost every parent dreads the thought of calling trhe police, but this behavior will not stop until he gets help. I know you said he is really trying this time...NO HE'S NOT. He is stealing and lying, he has not changed you all are enabling him by letting him get away with this behavior.
When my son was a teen he was using and I could not find any help, all I kept getting told was to get him in the system then he could get help. He stole, and pawned almost everything he owned. Then he started writting checks. I told him the next time he did that I would call the ploice.
Very long story, but I evetually had to call the police and he spent time in detention and on home arrest. Finally I thought we had made it to the other side. He is currently in jail cause he was caught with opiods after a traffic stop.
I love my son unconditionally, but I will not stand for him to lie and steal.
They have to learn there are consequences to their actions, and just getting away with a scolding does not cut it after awhile. Until he learns that he will be out on his own if he continues this path, he will keep doing this to you and your parents. I think they lie to themselves more than they lie to us.
Anyway you are not alone and my thoughts and prayers are with you all.