Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Melismarie 02/20/2013

Hello,

My boyfriend recently got out of a 28 day rehab center for alcohol. He has been home now for a month. During rehab, he called me every day, invited me on Sundays to visit him and now that he is home, I barely hear or see him. While in rehab, I sent stuff to him, I took care of his condo, I would bring a bag of his things when I would visit him and I feel like he now wants nothing to do with me. I am so afraid that he really just used me while in rehab. We have been together for a year and half. He doesn't even want to have sex. Is this common? He has made time to go snowboarding with his buddies and has made plans with his other friends, but as for me, the person who has done so much for him, I get nothing. I'm trying not to be too needy but am looking for guidance because part of me wants to completely walk away from him. Ive tried to verbally explain what I want but he says he can't give me what I need right now and I should stand by him as his friend. But, lets be real, I can't just be his friend. We've never been just friends. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

jainlor 02/20/2013

maybe you should just walk away till he gets his life together. it might save you a lot of grief in the end. just my opinion. Go out with your friends and have fun without him.... let him chase you and not the other way around. he needs to work on himself first

blueviolet725 02/20/2013

I saw Mel on the Alcoholic site, and told her to come over here...see the other side of the coin. She sounded like she need our support.

Mel, we have all been there...waiting on the addict. frustrated, mad, sad, fed up, hopeful, scared...you name it.

I do have a question for you...are these friends the ones he was drinking with? are they supporting his sobriety? Did he choose to go to rehab? (sorry, more than one.)

Read some of our old posts here too...like "the encyclopedia of trying not to be enabling codependent families and friends of addicts."
Ha! Just thought of that one.

Melismarie 02/20/2013

Thanks for your replies. He has been in an outpatient detox 3 times before and his friends (the ones who he has been hanging out with) do not drink with him. They are fully aware of the situation and do more active things with him. He does have a great support system. The day we got him to check into a rehab facility his two buddies, myself, and his parents were involved. He went into rehab willingly. I feel like it is my relationship that has been so fragile since he got home. He called me every day while in rehab and he would tell me everything he was going through there. And now I feel like he won't even talk to me. He is going to AA, seeing a counselor/ therapist twice a week, and now attending church.

I'm taking everything so personally when he doesn't want to talk or see me anymore. We went from seeing each other every day, to talking on the phone every day, to me feeling like he wants nothing to do with me. I do not drink so I am not an unhealthy person in his lives. I'm just lost because I'm in love with the guy and I'm having a hard time walking away hoping that things are going to change.

kimberlysusanne 02/20/2013

Oh, boy! My first thought is to tell you to run because I don't want to see you get too wrapped up in a relationship with an addict. However, that is often easier said than done. I think the other folks gave you great advice and asked great questions. I feel like I should get royalties from the author as much as I recommend this book, but check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a great book, and you will learn a great deal about you amid his addiction. The best advice is I can give is to take care of yourself and don't let yourself get buried under his addiction as so many of us find ourselves doing until we learn to detach with love. Good luck to you, and keep coming back!

kimberlysusanne 02/20/2013

Just another thought: often when our addicts first get sober there is a huge adjustment period as they learn to deal with their addiction on top of real life and real emotions. Maybe you need to give him some space and some time until he relaxes in his own skin a bit more. Maybe because you two are so close he has a hard time talking with you right now and being close because he senses your fears? I'm just trying to remember what it was like for me when my addict first got clean. I remember it was awkward and uncomfortable for awhile until we started to create a new normal for ourselves. Hang in there!

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