Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I am probably going to be all over the place as I have several things I need advice about.
Long story short my son has spent the last 3 years after graduating high school to go to 2 college both of which he dropped out of both and lived off and on with us over the past year We knew he was lying to us and this past fall when he became very ill and was in the ER multiple times and finally committed to the mental hospital because he was so ill and suicidal did we discover ( not because he told us, what we found on his phone, room, car) he was using drugs. After we confronted him, he said it was only Pot and that the docs said he had a mental disorder, but we don't know if it is bipolar or what.
He came here are the hospital saying he would not use and wanted our help. It was short lived and within a week he was breaking the boundaries we had set with him together. Now, here is the issue, he moved out, the car he is driving is in my husband's name and we pay for the car and the insurance. We also pay for his cell phone and for him to be on our medical insurance and his medical bills. I told him a couple of months ago when he moved out with a friend and got a new job that we would pay off his car ( we only owe about $3K now) and then transfer it to his name and he would be solely responsible for it insurance, etc.. I also told him we would pay his cell phone until the contract was up.
Today we found out he got a new phone and dropped the one on our contract which cost us $260 for him to do that. He didn't tell it , I accidentally found out when I went to look online for new payment due this billing cycle. He also has a new number of which we don't have to contact him, which we have not been doing so he could have his distance. So, now we find out that he has also started using again and spending almost all his paycheck on drugs. He knows he was supposed to pay the phone bill and car bill once he started getting pay, but back to his normal tricks. If we go go take the car away, he won't have a way to go to work. I am just sick and feel well it is only about 6 more months I can stick it out, but we are living paycheck to paycheck and selling his car and insurance will help us , I don't think he can blame us anymore than he has already for what horrible terrible parents we are and he is verbally abusive to me whenever he does have contact with me. So,do we go get the car or not?Pros and Cons?
2nd issue- we have other close family members who are in the middle because they put themselves there. He tells them things and tells them not to tell us and they don't. I would think our other son, who is a youth pastor or my sister in law who is very close to my husband would at least tell us what they know. I am still crying myself to sleep after 4 months and having horrible nightmares , I have no idea what is mental illness is and how is doing and if he is having massive anxiety attacks, eating again or being suicidal. They don't understand why we are upset when we go to them and ask us what is going on and let them know we wish they would have told us. They act like this is about them, it is not, it is about wanting to know my son is okay for another day. How in the world do I deal with them as they don't get it?
Help please
Long story short my son has spent the last 3 years after graduating high school to go to 2 college both of which he dropped out of both and lived off and on with us over the past year We knew he was lying to us and this past fall when he became very ill and was in the ER multiple times and finally committed to the mental hospital because he was so ill and suicidal did we discover ( not because he told us, what we found on his phone, room, car) he was using drugs. After we confronted him, he said it was only Pot and that the docs said he had a mental disorder, but we don't know if it is bipolar or what.
He came here are the hospital saying he would not use and wanted our help. It was short lived and within a week he was breaking the boundaries we had set with him together. Now, here is the issue, he moved out, the car he is driving is in my husband's name and we pay for the car and the insurance. We also pay for his cell phone and for him to be on our medical insurance and his medical bills. I told him a couple of months ago when he moved out with a friend and got a new job that we would pay off his car ( we only owe about $3K now) and then transfer it to his name and he would be solely responsible for it insurance, etc.. I also told him we would pay his cell phone until the contract was up.
Today we found out he got a new phone and dropped the one on our contract which cost us $260 for him to do that. He didn't tell it , I accidentally found out when I went to look online for new payment due this billing cycle. He also has a new number of which we don't have to contact him, which we have not been doing so he could have his distance. So, now we find out that he has also started using again and spending almost all his paycheck on drugs. He knows he was supposed to pay the phone bill and car bill once he started getting pay, but back to his normal tricks. If we go go take the car away, he won't have a way to go to work. I am just sick and feel well it is only about 6 more months I can stick it out, but we are living paycheck to paycheck and selling his car and insurance will help us , I don't think he can blame us anymore than he has already for what horrible terrible parents we are and he is verbally abusive to me whenever he does have contact with me. So,do we go get the car or not?Pros and Cons?
2nd issue- we have other close family members who are in the middle because they put themselves there. He tells them things and tells them not to tell us and they don't. I would think our other son, who is a youth pastor or my sister in law who is very close to my husband would at least tell us what they know. I am still crying myself to sleep after 4 months and having horrible nightmares , I have no idea what is mental illness is and how is doing and if he is having massive anxiety attacks, eating again or being suicidal. They don't understand why we are upset when we go to them and ask us what is going on and let them know we wish they would have told us. They act like this is about them, it is not, it is about wanting to know my son is okay for another day. How in the world do I deal with them as they don't get it?
Help please
What you are describing is known as a concurrent disorder (addiction and mental health). Many addicts, have an underlying mental health condition, however, the problem often is that you can't properly diagnose a person who's actively using drugs, because the drugs cause many mental health symptoms, like anxiety, panic attacks, depression, mood swings. On the other hand, many people with mental health illness use to self medicate. You can't really get a clear picture until they are off drugs for a minimum of 3 months.
What you have to do (and I'm in the middle of this myself), is lovingly detach, focus on you and your life. That is 100% easier said than done, especially when it's your child. Go to Alanon, get the support from others who are going through this, read, I liked the book Beautiful Boy, A father's journey threw his son's addiction, exercise, meditate, pray, and take a break from your son's addiction every day. We end up addicted to their addiction, it's on our minds constantly.
Know there are many of us going threw this, you're not alone. Don't beat yourself up, and as they say in Alanon, remember you didn't cause it, can't cure it and you can't control it. Stay out of his messy life, and tell him if he wants help to get treatment, you'll help (even if it's just providing a list of treatment centres).
I would also be glad he talks to your other son, and try to be ok with not knowing what they talk about. If your other son is a youth pastor, I'm sure he wants him to get help, so look at this as a good thing.
I'll say a prayer for you. But just know that unless you take action to focus on healing you (i.e.. go to your own meetings, etc..), your thinking or feelings won't change. What I often ask myself when I start to worry, is this going to help my son...I then turn my worry into a prayer.
Hugs...this is a long journey, I wish it weren't.
I agree with IamDonetoday! I've been in your shoes as well. Stopping our enabling patterns is the 1st step (easier said than done I know!). Take the car back is your 1st step, having to 'shut off' the worry about him getting to work is the hard part. We have to seperate ourselves from 'their problems'. (again easier said than done). We fear that we will 'lose their love'. But once you stop making things available for him, money, vehicle, phone, things he can pawn, he may spiral (we all fear this) BUT there has to be boundaries. A wise woman taught me this, and to never cross those boundaries. It's heartbreaking, it's full of anxiety, but you can do it. To make that 'space' between you and your addict is the biggest step. Hopefully he will seek help at some point.
Love the person but NOT the addict. Detach from living YOUR life over his addiction. It's not easy but you can do it. Seek help for yourself if you need it as well.
The BIGGEST thing you need to do is take care of YOU and your HUBBY! Live YOUR lives...try not to get consumed with your son's addiction. Do NOT allow it to make YOUR lives toxic.
I would talk to your family as well and let them know the situation and that they need to also detach and draw boundaries with him. An addict will spin their web for everyone to get caught in. Once they have no other 'victims' to put in that web will they figure it out.
Prayers and hugs to you. My son told me one thing that hits me, 'I thought I was only hurting myself, but when I really saw what it was doing to you guys, it hurt so bad.'....this being said when he was clean 60 days. He is now hitting his 90th day this Thursday. Keep the faith.
Regarding the car, we have lots of experience with that. We lived in a rural area and a car was my son's only way of getting to work. We were afraid of him losing his job.
He got a DUI and lost his transportation, which led to us driving him to work, not to mention the cost of insurance going through the roof and the eventual hassle related to having a Ignition Interlock Device on our car. He got into a couple of minor fender benders that we had to pay to fix. Then he was driving a friend's car one night and demolished a bus shelter and totaled the car. He came within inches of also hitting a tree and killing them both. His friend claimed he was the driver so our son wouldn't get a second DUI. They both were drunk and had been using heroin and Xanax. Soon after, we finally learned our lesson and stopped enabling. He was at a friend's house late at night and begged me to pick him up in the morning to take him to work or he'd lose his job. I told him that was not my responsibility and he got fired.
After he got his license back, he got a second DUI. That's when we sold the car. We made him move out to an efficiency apartment on a bus line so he would have to get a job and take the bus to work. We also got him a bicycle. So, now he is completely responsible for all of his own transportation. He also got a job on the bus line and takes his bike on the days the bus doesn't run.
He still had one more incident, though. He drove a friend's car (without a license) and hit a utility pole. Fortunately, he was sober. The car was totaled. He got a ticket for driving without a license. At least this time he was not on our insurance and it wasn't our problem.
I'm telling you all of this because we were very slow learners. Thank God he didn't kill anyone with his car accidents. He would have been on our insurance and we would have gotten sued. We could have lost everything. Actually, our insurance agent said our homeowner's company was threatening to cancel our policy because they didn't want to take the risk of us being sued. We would also have done him a favor by taking his car away sooner. We might have saved him two very expensive DUI tickets and the operating without a license ticket, not to mention the related criminal record. We were simply too afraid of him losing his job. I'm not sure why. He spent all of his income on drugs.
Take the keys away. Sell the car. Don't look back. Also, don't be afraid of him losing his job. It might be a good thing.
My suggestion is NO secrets. from anyone. Talk to everyone in the family and explain the situation...ask them not to enable him, believe his lies or cover for him.
he already made the choice about the phone...and that and health insurance would be the only things I would have kept going with.
he will probably sell the car, or give it to a dealer to cover his expenses anyway....so keep up the insurance until you get it back.
meanwhile, any use of drugs or alcohol only make mental health issues worse. My son was very severely depressed while he was drinking. Anything he deals with, now that he is sober, he can handle. Even treatement for these issues is useless while they are self medicating.
We didn't cause it, and can't control or cure it...we can't be held for anything they do. Addiction is a liar and a cheat. It has no morals and will do anything to get fed. It steals the brain and the souls of the person it gets a hold of. We love our addicts we hate the addiction.
And as the families and friends of addicts, we have the right to be happy and well. we have the opportunity to be the light at the end of the tunnel for the addict by taking care of ourselves... by setting boundaries...by continuing on with our lives. Is it hard? yes. but if we are floundering? what example does that set?
Do what you need to do to protect yourself and those you love.
and come back here as often as you need.