only time will tell.. he must have been having some problems, did you notice any change in the last weeks before his relapse?
I met a woman who had 7 years and drank and now has 6 again...
smart that he is going right to rehab. He knows what to do.
He is giving you an out...I would certainly take it slow. Also, his priority has to be on his life and sobriety, so that will come first, second and third before you. Especially the first year. he will be starting from scratch.
also, you will have to find out what kind of mess he made while wasted...any arrests, missing cars, stolen goods, cleaned out bank accounts, lost jobs etc etc etc.
keep coming back and read other people's stories. Only you can decide. Luckily you have your head on straight.

I was married to two addicts. One is 60 and still not clean, other is 44 and clean at the moment, who knows how long this will last. After living with this for so many years I can say I will never go out, date, marry another addict. It is too many highs and lows and you just never know when they clean are they really clean? It is always in the back of your mind. Now that your bf has relapse only time will tell if he gets back on the wagon and doesn't fall off again. He says he has 8 years clean unless you knew him this whole time and were around him often there is no way of knowing if he really was telling the whole complete truth. Addicts lie, manipulate and you are left wondering where the lies end and the truth begins. There is also lots of half-truths.
I hope he gets sober again, gets help, but don't keep waiting. Either he is or he isn't and you and your son deserve a non addictive person. It will wear you down.

Only you can answer. When I was faced with the choice of asking my addicted bf to leave or work on another solution, I prayed. I felt with meditation and listening to God I would know what to do. I found an awesome AA group called Prayer and Meditation that is open to anyone. Although I'm not in recovery, this group welcomes all people. It was helpful.

A good friend of mine is married to a recovering alcoholic. He was sober for about 20 years and relapsed. They had a rough year or so and he had to go to in patient rehab. My friend went through hell during this time. He has been back on the wagon for about 5 years and is doing well. But, it is one day at a time. He could go back to drinking at any time.

You have only been dating him for two months. As Katrinka points out, you don't know for a fact that he has been clean for 8 years. It is suspicious that he just happened to relapse so soon after you started dating. After only two months, you also don't have that much invested in the relationship. If he is beginning recovery, he also needs to focus on himself and should not be getting involved with anyone for awhile.

If you stay with him, you are taking a huge risk. He may not be telling the truth about 8 years of sobriety. He may not be able to stay sober this time around. He may get sober and then relapse again in a few years. Personally, I would not take the risk with a 13 year old son for a person you've only been dating for two months.

I have to say I agree with Donna there is so much heartache involved with being in a relationship with an addict whether drugs or alcoholic it does not matter not that people don't deserve a second chance they do but like you said you have a 13 year old and they are so impressionable at that age. My addict is my son 18 yr old so I have no choice but if I were just beginning a relationship with one I would take off as fast as possible it is just TOO painful. Good Luck with whatever decision you make just know if you stay it will NOT be easy, Dee

Based on everything I'm reading on this post the one question that stands out is: Why Now? After being clean for 8 years and now suddenly after all that time he has a relapse within 2 months of establishing a relationship. Makes you wonder what's up? That being said, I think the advice given to take things real slow is wise counsel plus, you probably need to take a step back to figure out what's going on before you get any deeper in this relationship; maybe do some digging around into this guy's past. Remember, you need to protect yourself & son from harm. My prayers to you for strength & wisdom.

Thank you all for your advice. I have yet to get to speak to him. Last I talked to him was about 24 hours ago when he was going to go to sleep. No clue how these things work so do not know if he is avoiding calling me right now or is still laying in bed recovering. It did not even occur to me until I read what everyone wrote that this might not have been the first time just the first time he got caught. I am torn right now. I knew he was a recovering addict when I started dating him and that relapse was possible. So its not like I walked into it with closed eyes I was just hopeful it would not happen. Part of me thinks its no different than if I had dated someone who had cancer at one time and it came back. I would not leave them just because things might be hard. I will give him the chance to talk and I have a list of pretty hard questions for him. I also know he has an ex wife. I will want to speak to her. I figure if anyone will be willing to tell on someone it would be an unhappy ex. If there was any cheating involved or if this has been going on since day one I cut my losses right away. Also I am concerned about the method. If there was any kind of sharing of needles I would need to find out what kind of risk this poses for me and how long until I would know it was safe. I am trying to keep an open mind until after I talk to him but to be honest the more I think about it I suspect this was not the first instance.

I do not know how your relationship was going, but do you normally go 24 hours without talking? He could be either resting because he has flu like symptoms or is using.
Relating this to cancer is true in one level, but a person with cancer will not lie to you, will not manipulate you, will not steal or pawn things to get money for drugs. I was married 17 yrs to an alcoholic and 12yrs to a crack addict. After age 30 most do not get clean and stay clean. Instead they go back and forth with times using and times not using. Slow and progressive is the disease of chronic addiction.
I'm not saying give him a chance, but I would be wary of someone who is 51 and still relapsing. He sounds more like a chronic addict, one who keeps relapsing over and over. There are sober clean times, but also using times. It just plays on your anxiety levels, plus you get distracted from living your own life.
I agree ask ex wife, I always heard if you want to know the truth ask the ex.

I've been married almost 30 years and have recently learned of my husbands cocaine addiction that has been going on for four years. I would NOT do this again if I knew then what I know now - and my kids are grown. And I agree, it's nothing like being sick from cancer. I would willingly do whatever it took if my husband was sick with cancer, but I will no longer put up with lies, etc that go along with addiction.

I briefly talked to him . I woke him up actually. Basically he was awake for close to 2 days and is exhausted and sick and right now just wants to sleep. What I was told when I met him and he explained his past to me is he packed up the clothes on his back and left everything else behind moved to the state we are in now just to get away from anything that could tempt him 8 years ago. As long he kept himself away from people who did it or put it in front of him he was OK. Alcohol was never to big of an issue when he decided to stop that he just quit no issues it was the cocaine and painkillers that he had problems with. I guess now that I look at what I wrote that might not have been the best thing. It wasn't like he actually got help he just ran away. When he is able to talk I will give him the courtesy of listening to him. Then if I feel like he is actually telling the truth I will talk to the ex. From there I will make a decision. Truth is I probably will not stick around but I would not feel right as good as he has always treated me if I did not at least listen to what he had to say.

You have every right to listen to what his explanation is but the truth is addicts lie, I am not saying he is definetley going to lie to you, no one knows that but we are just trying to spare you the true heartache loving an addict comes with, yes people do get clean and sober and change their lives but like you said did he really change or just run away from his problems?I wish you all good things and hope it works out for you but remember it is a lifelong disease. You sound like a very intelligent woman so I 'm sure you will figure this out listen to your inner voice it usually will point you in the right direction. Dee

Dee is right. Trying to decide what is truth and what is lies is very hard with an addict. I think they actually believe their lies as my therapist told me. When addicts relapse it isn't a spur of the moment thing, it has been festering and building up for awhile and then they use. Its like a volcano, pressure builds, then explodes and then the pressure starts to build again.
Sounds like he was on a cocaine binge, maybe even crack. After being up for a few days they crash and do not feel well, have flu like symptoms. He will be fighting the demons for awhile now.

OK...I am going to have play devil's advocate and give you the other side of the story...

I had been dating my addict husband for about a year and a half before he pulled that disappearing act on me out of the blue...before that he had been sober for 5 years...and it wasn't the fact that he was sober that attracted me to him, it was the fact that he didn't drink...I didn't even know he had had a problem...I thought it was a personal choice not to drink...like my ex-husband...and it was something I admired... turns out it was lie... a cover up...a manipulation...but by the time I realized that I had already invested to much into the relationship...I was in love with him...and he claimed to be in love with me...so what to do? I chose to stick it out with him...it has not been easy...it has been a very painful and long hard roller coaster ride... BUT ... unlike most others...If I knew then what I know now I WOULD do it again...why?...because I really do love him...because what happens to HIM, makes a difference to me... because I love him unconditionally...and because he has never and will never cross the one bottom line I have...but most of all...because after all we've been through and although we are STILL at a very bad place relationship wise...I am grateful to him for showing me...who I am ... who I can be ... I have learned so much from him...from his addiction...and if not for him, I wouldn't be where I am today...in recovery myself...learning even more and still hoping that one day, he'll get it...but the truth is...that he wont get until I get it...and I didn't get it until these last six months.

I know we are in different situations, but we are in similar ones also...my son was 11 when my husband came to stay with us...and by the grace of GOD, my son is 18 and about to go off to college and to this day doesn't know about my husbands addiction.

Now I am not going to lie to you...it is a long lonely painful road...and I constantly have reopen the wound and try to decide if it's worth it...BUT for me...it is!...two years ago, i would have probably told you the same thing...because the light at the end of that long dark roller coaster was like a distant star in a faraway galaxy not even visible with the naked eye...but today, it's like a bright twinkling north star...I love my sober husband...but I also love my addict husband...for they are one and the same. And if this is disease then I am as sick as he for I have certainly done the exact same thing to him that he done to me in anger...only it took me a lot longer to see it in myself...than to see it in him.

Sorry that was such a long rambling post...I have a tendency to go off on a tangent. but please feel free to search for and read my posts and journal for just a small picture of what married life to a cocaine addict is...it's hard...it's painful...but the one thing it's not is: HOPELESS.

Everyone has to make the choice to stay or leave. We can only tell our story, each is slightly different, each of us carries scar's from living with the addict. Each addict is different as is each person. For some the financial devastation isn't as bad as others. Some addicts still continue to work and seem to function, while others do not work and let their spouse or gf carry the burden of all the financial worries while they keep taking from the family. I liked the book Get Your Love One Sober, it told how to set healthy boundaries how to detach from the addict while using. It didn't suggest ending relationships, but offered ways not to end the relationship. In the back of the book it did say that sometimes the relationship ends but to feel that you gave all you could and its ending was to save yourself from their own destruction.