When addicts are wanting to use they can be the sweetest, kindest people then when they can't use or they feel their drug using is at risk they can be mean, angry, sneaky, lie, etc.
He has to the one to take charge of his quitting cocaine, although for your ease of mine he should be more forth coming. Which makes me think he isn't really sure if he wants to quit cocaine and never use again. He sounds like he's at the waivering stage. I do, I don't. As for talking to his doctor and the counselor has privacy issues they have to deal with. If patient doesn't want to have you involved then the counselor has to go by their wishes. Marriages that do see a marriage counselor have better success rate then those who don't.
When addicts have been using their brains do not produce enough endorphin's which will make the person depressed. So yes he's depressed, he uses cocaine to make him feel happier, but now he has built up a tolerance and the drug doesn't have the same effect it did in the beginning.
Here is some information on drug addiction you might find helpful.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/For_Family_Volunteers_Professionals/those_who_care.htm
http://www.spiritualriver.com/how-can-i-help-an-alcoholic-or-drug-addict-specific-things-you-can-do-to-help/

The series of emotions you're going through is terrible. It seems like one in minute your angry, then sad, then scared, and then you feel a bit of strength just to repeat the same cycle again. My heart goes out to you. It's tough and it's frustrating because he won't acknowledge your emotions and hurt. He's too wrapped up in his own anger and emotions along with handling his addiction that you fall by the wayside. And you're desperate for some closure in all of this yourself. You really sound like you're taking great steps in your own recovery by getting counseling and going to meetings. You should be proud of yourself for reaching for that inner strength. Hang in there. Dealing with his anger is nerve racking. My husband was the same way. When he left for his detox, the house was so much calmer and things flowed so much better. It was refreshing because after a couple days, I realized that I don't need this and I am a useful tool of support in his recovery, if he decides to utilize me. If not, his loss. I know as wives we want to fix our families and fix his issues, but we just can't. You can't worry yourself to death wondering what you can do to help speed this up and fix him. Let it go. Let him do the work and see if he gets you involved along the way. If he doesn't, his loss. He has to handle this, you can only be supportive. You need to handle you, and it sounds like you are doing what you need to do to do that. My husband wouldn't get me involved at first. He was angry. He took his issues out on me. And he was really pushing me to see how I would react from his first day back. I told him what I expected, and I told him I was at the end of my rope with him. One more lie, and I'm gone. And I ment every word. He finally saw that I was sick of all the BS and went to a meeting. He came back and now he wants me involved and he wants to do right. He finally came out of his wavering stage (as katrinka calls it, which is exact). So if he is serious with this recovery, then he will come around. The fact of the matter is, how serious is he? Only he can decide that and you have no power in pushing him to do the right thing. You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to or it's not healthy. You need to make decisions for you. I think that having a bit of separation from him for a few days might give you a more stable environment to figure out what you need and want. It's just hard to think with all the stress and worry that he seems to be causing. I'm new on this road too, but I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there, girl. This board is great at helping get things sorted out. I might not have much experience with this at the moment, but these ladies really know what your going through and what to do. My prayers go out to you. Good luck.

Thanks so much for your kind and wise words - I'm usually a calm, realistic person and these days I can't keep anything straight in my mind - ugh. My husband told me that he left a message with his doc asking how to include me, though of course I don't know if he really did. I sent a letter to his DR yesterday explaining some of his behavior the last couple of weeks (his DR had been on vacation) I tried to keep emotions out of it, just bullet points. I'm now at the point I don't know if our marriage is even salvageable - though I thought I was in this for the long haul, now not sure. I knew things were getting bad the last few years, just didn't know why or how bad. I think the next week could be difficult, especially if he doesn't start to include me and I have to stick to my guns.....I'm so relieved that there are people who understand - thanks

You'll get through all this one way or another. It's especially difficult when you have been feeling that your marriage is off and not what you wanted it to be, but you don't want to accept the reality of why. It's easier just to believe the illusion that things will work out and issues will eventually dissolve if you just work hard enough for the both of you. And then out of no where you're faced with this. Facing the reality of a spousal addiction brings a lot more to the table than his substance abuse. All the issues that you have ignored and thought it was just your dissatisfaction and you would look past it for the better is all thrown out on the table too. It's not something that you can face all at one time. Let him decide if he's serious about getting help first and you need to realize that this isn't about you or your marriage at all. You can be an asset to his life if he wants you to be because you are a strong woman. And don't ever think otherwise. If he chooses to push you away, you need to realize that the drugs are pushing you away. Just because he falls victim to that doesn't mean you have to. There is simply just so much that you can do to help him. Try to disconnect yourself from his judgements and emotions. Don't let them dominate your feelings. And then you can dig down in yourself and figure out what it is that you really expect out of your relationship and life. It just all takes time.

anger is a great way to try to control you. So he screws up, and he gets to throw a hissy fit? and you get to walk on eggshells.
That just doesn't make sense now, does it?
I think boundaries are a good thing. Make them, follow them.
I had a rule for my children, that if they wanted to throw a tantrum they had to go to their room. Why? because, quite honestly, I was afraid I would loose my cool and give one of them a wack. IF they were in their room, I could cool down while they freaked.
I think that rule might work for him...if he wants to throw a fit, he has to leave (garage, or basement), get it out of his system and then come back and be an adult.
My kid did tons of jail stints, rehabs etc...but he never once was rude to his dad or I...it was just one boundary he did not dare cross. I think in that respect ( and I totally agree with the idea of the addict as ill) that the addict will only sink to such behavior levels as we allow.
my sister has an ex alcoholic ex husband who has had anger issues with the kids. They learned to dial 911. It doesn't make the situation any less screwed up, but they set their boundaries.
And I am very sorry for all you are going thru and that you are so mentally and emotionally exhausted. Thank goodness you are taking steps to look after yourself. Hugs.

An addict relaspses, before they use the drug,,,, if you can learn to see the pattern,,, they use the emotion of anger, it relieves the guilt of using ,,,, being married 30 years I'm sure you have known about his addiction,,, possibly gave seen these patterns, but we tend to look over them,,, oh just having a bad week ,
Truthfully has spouse, you would think he would want you in on dr appointments,,, but then again in a addicts mind,,, they are embarrassed and really don't want "us" to know rverything,,, this way they feel the can justify if they relaspse ,, just last week we had a break through,,, first time my daughter,, who has not used heroin in 6months,,, (she was in jail ) came to me ans said "mom I'm having a hard day, I gave the urge to use" in the past she would pick a fight, and leave cause she was mad,, and that made it ok to use ,,, now my thoughts where on the argument,,, not on the fact she was using,,,, we it that day,,, totally exhausted at the end if the day,,, but she did it,,, and now she choose to live in a sober house,, goes to meetings daily, and counseling ,,,, she felt lost being sober ,,, sounds crazy to us,,, so by her living in this sober living,,, she is surrounded by recovering addicts,,, that are extremely dedicated to their recovery,, and understands my daughter ,,,,, and 24/7 she has them,,, I'm a great support person, but I have no clue what's in her head, or why the heck she would have the urge to use, after not using for six months ,,,, that's why addiction is but about the using if the drug,,, that's just the cover up to what's comming from problem

Just try relaxing methods, don't argue back with an addict,, pointless ,,, this is about the addict


Hugs
KIm

Why addiction is not about the using if the drug,,,, ugh hate this computer it's skips ,,, sorry

I just came from my counselor's office and she helped me see that I'm definately stronger this week than last. I love the idea of sending him away if he shows anger, really makes sense. I would have never put up with that kind of behavior from my kids! I need to keep reminding myself that I'm married to the drug right now. I'm really trying to focus on myself - thanks so much for your words of strength....

Kim

Hello Kim,
Addiction turns our loved ones into people we don't recognize and actually we don't want to know, the anger as my friends stated is a defense mechanism, don't engage in an argument with him because That is his license to use. As far a hindsight being helpful, I think it's hurtful. I think recognizing and truly understanding addiction is what helps each one of us to become stronger and create a life of normalcy. Whatever that is? The stomach oh! Gosh, sometimes just when I think I'm doing well. I get a call from my sons director at sober living and I always think its the other shoe dropping and that horrible anxious stomach instantly appears. Time, knowledge, support groups and this great group of people will give you the strength to move forward. Trust is a difficult thing, it is up to him to earn your trust back, it's not your job to trust him. He lost your trust when he decided to start using and lying. It takes time, I'd not know how long because I'm still working in that with my son. Lastly it's. It the Dr. Choice if you can or cannot be involved. It can be recommended, and sTudies have shown that the recovery rate of addicts with a strong family support system couple with a 12 step program haven better recovery rate, so if he truly wants to get help he will want you involved, the main reason why he doesn't and I don't mea to sound hard but he doesn't want you to be smart, and earn about addiction. His cover is blown. Keep taking care of you, that is a great first step. Hugs to you, Dee

Wow.. what a good post Dee*^ You hit the nail on the head re ; addicts and their behaviours. Spread the word.. as many loved ones of addicts arent aware of this. Thank for posting!

Gosh, there is so much wisdom here, thank you, it's comforting in a strange way. And I woke up feeling stronger in my head today. My husband was very kind and concerned yesterday - which really messes with my head. My counselor did ask me something yesterday that got me thinking: she asked if I thought he was using at home - how would I know the signs of use? Also, my husband told me that since he relapsed his DR wants to spend time with him alone this week, but after that he would be glad to talk to me - so my husband said he would sign a release - we'll see.....

To your question of how you would know if he was using at home, just reading on the internet, they suggested that if you see paraphernalia like baking soda, cut up straws, rolled up dollar bills, razors, mirrors and aluminum foil, those are signs. Going without eating for large periods of time. Money issues. Being later than expected a lot (cocaine use makes time seem to pass quickly and/or they are trying to find some). Changes in friends. The biggest indicators for me were financial and being gone a lot.