Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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cisl4him 11/05/2011

feeling lost and confused. I can't untangle who is more wrong my husband or me. Been married 23 year. Started using coke in our 1st year. I was a good devoted christian wife until i feel into another man's arms which I confessed. Husband had a drug induced physcosis which lead me to be removed from home with his restraing order. I was the perfect mother. I couldn't deal with his hallucinations and crazy behavior so I called the police every week to get them to pink paper him, called dr's. who would do it but one said "oh, that sounds like scitzo-affective disorder. he asked the judge for 6 months with no visitiation which was over turned. He had me come over for sex and visited me for sex. Gave me no money and didn't give a shit about me. This is dr. Hide the mean guy.

What makes this complicated is I got involved again with someone emotionally who was my son's friend. How crazy is that? I was so needy b/c my husband was so wrapped up in his addictions. Anyway, my husband left and saw another woman. Tried to throw me out again cause the other woman said i was a bitch. He was screwing me and her. We somehow reconciled and he was being treated with Suboxone but not going to meetings. I noticed a behavior change and called him on it which he denied . He left and is sleeping on his brother's couch, he says I treated him like shit. Not giving us any money. Says the economy. My head is spinning. I'm going to go crazy. I took him back so many times after he got off narcotics,ect. Spent years off and on in meetings little did I know he related more to addict woman than me giving them money and rides. I know he loves me but he has no idea what he is doing to me or does he?

katrinka 11/05/2011

King baby syndrome http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/170831-king-baby-syndrome.html

These people feel the world revolves around them and everyone esle is in the wrong. This link describe's it really good.
Its time you put you first, let him live in his craziness. He may love you, but does he love you like you deserve to be loved and treated. No, he has been abusive, been with another woman, wanted you for booty call, etc. He is blaming you for being the crazy one, that is what addicts do. They are gonna place blame on anyone else, and manipulate you.
Keep telling yourself you deserve better, in 23 years he hasn't changed and his chances of changing into this great loving man are slim. Life is short don't live with all this abuse anymore, You deserve better.
It is hard in the beginning, very painful but I know after awhile you start to enjoy not living in the drama. You begin to feel happy and finally decide you will not take them back. Only thing is you have to make it through no contact and for me it took two years to finally say, I am happy and I am not going back to the chaos.
Hugs

blueviolet725 11/06/2011

sometimes it is better to be alone, lonely and at peace than with people and insane. take some time to get well first.

cisl4him 11/06/2011

Katrinka...inspite of Bill's addictions I must give him credit for all the years he worked so hard and now his back is practically broken. I was also unfaithful after 11 years and then almost again 2 years ago. This is what keeps me wanting to hold on until he wakes up. However, he has been an addict off and on for so very long and with how I have betrayed him I really do not think he will ever get over it and neither will I. I said very hurtful things to him via text yesterday and I did send a "sorry" text but that is it. I do hear what you are saying and I need to work on the no contact. I have been very good at not contacting him. Yesterday I was forced too b/c I tried to replace the glass on the wood stove and it broke. This is how I am heating the house. Bill told me to work on it but he also knew I saw a lawyer the day prior to see what my options were. He said he was angry. Well, I am rambling. I do think I need to move on. The question is when? I don't have the money to file.

Thank you Cissy

ps. How do I insert a photo of me on my profile?

cisl4him 11/06/2011

Hi Katrinka,, it's funny the first several paragraphs remind me of Bill but really not any of the 6 characteristics of the "King Baby syndrom". More of them remind me of me. Bill was mostly a passive guy who gave alot. He always let me have my way. He was diagnosed with Behavior problems the one time he was evaluated at the hospital. This is definitely true. he has got me baffled and I am a nurse. Just do not know what to do with him if and when he goes to detox. He has gone twice to detox and attended NA meetings faithfully for a good number of years.

katrinka 11/06/2011

I have been in college for a couple of years. This past semester I was taking my Psychology class and our assignment was researching behavior disorders. As I'm researching the 5 I chose; I notice how my ex ah is just like one of the behaviors. So I do a little more research on it, research the cures. Then I am talking with him and mention kind of sarcastically I have his diagnosis. He laughs, say yeah what is it, I tell him I think he is Border Line Personality Disorder. He tells me he was diagnosed with that 20 yrs ago by a psychiatrist. I did mention that they do treat this disorder differently now then back then.
When I was doing my research I saw how this disorder is keeping him from getting better. Sadly the only people who get better are ones who go to therapy and work really hard on themselves for long term. It said it takes years to change this type behavior but it can be done.
So your ah as much as you love him his behavior issues going untreated only makes his highs and lows worst.
For me, I kept my distance and now its been long enough I can have some contact. I am always going to have a place in my heart for my ex. Like yours he was loving and we did have some fun times.

cisl4him 11/06/2011

I have often wondered about borderline personality disorder for him and for myself. I am Bipolar type 2 and have been treated for 8 years. When I was involved in my 2nd infidelity I was addicted to the emotions. I risked EVERYTHING, my home, my childrens love(they found out about via a text my son saw. In some ways I am just as bad as my husband only my addictions are to emotional attachments other than my husband unfortunatley. It seems we take turns with our addictions but he is by far a true addict. I have done a lot of reading and he also shows signs of "scitzo-affective disorder. he is deff. Bipolar 1. Much of his bad behavior I cannot figure out but he is very weird at times or should I say inappropriate.

I sent him a text tonight that said "sorry" and also a voicemail. I felt I owed him that b/c I was extremely hurtful. He text me saying sorry too and "I miss you big time". I responded but was not encouraging him. I will stand by my decision that he needs rehab and to see a psych. to get on some stabalizing medicaiton. I have no idea how this will turn out. I live in the home with my son, tennents and my brother. I feel my husband and I need to discuss living arrangements. He seems content with me here and he at his brothers and wherever. I want to be fair.

katrinka 11/06/2011

My ex will admit he misses me and made mistakes. Its sad we do care for each other, but at the same time I have to do what is best for me.
My first husband was a bad alcoholic, his father was, his grandfather was and his gggrand uncle was John Wilkes Booth the man who killed Abraham Lincoln. The say he had a drinking problem and was mentally unbalanced. I know that my 1st ex, looked like John Wilkes Booth and was a mental case and alcoholic. I didn't know all of this when we married 34 yrs ago, divorced 17 yrs later. I stayed with him way too long.
I'm from CT always wanted to go to Salem MA and see the historic places, I live in Mississippi now.

wynow 11/07/2011

I was doing some reading about this same thing, people with psychological problems have stonger tendencies to become an addict or an alcoholic. Then the addiction changes the chimicals in the brain so you have double trouble and if the person does not fix the underlying issue then they will continue to turn back to the medication (drugs or alcohol) that numbs everything for them. It takes work and they have to be willing to do it. I feel there should be better treatment for people with addiction and mental disorders. A lot of that can and is hereditary. If there are family that is an addict or alcoholic then they can carry the gene which makes them more prone to becoming addicts then you add a mental disorder then that even increases it. There is help they just have to want it. its just all to sad.

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