Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi everyone.. my name is Connie and I am married to an alcoholic/drug abuser. We have been together for 13 years, of which time he was sober for 20 years, was active in AA/NA, ran meetings. Up until 5 1/2 years ago, we had a great relationship, until he went on facebook to contact family and friends. A contact turned out to be a woman, who he had a teenage relationship with for a short period of time. She is obsessed with him, she is extremely wealthy and financed him with money which she knew was going for his addictions. She refused to believe me and other people and we even threatened to notify her husband. Everything fell on deaf ears. Now he has felonies including a dui. drug charge, and battery. After becoming a wake up at 7 am fall down drunk, getting hit by a car and has traumatic brain injury and his boxer dying whom he ignored for 6 months he decided to go to rehab. He detoxed for 7 days and was discharged . He is now waiting for an inpatient bed in a 28 day program. In the meantime he goes to meetings twice a day and has a huge chip on his shoulder. Very self centered and judging . I never left him even tho I had a to go bag and a plan. I believed him when he got me an apartment where he lives with the understanding we were going to work on our marriage, and that woman was gone.. everything was lies . I am out of positive coping skills, I am stressed all the time, not sure how to talk to him, he never hears what I am saying anymore about anything, he just pushes me under the bus. I need to know how other people cope with addicts.
He cheated, lied, manipulated, and was out right abusive in every way possible. So I left.
What I felt sad about in reading your post is how you feel it's your responsibility to stay and make it work with someone who has no respect for you. I found in my years of living with my addicts
I had no boundaries or respect for myself. My self esteem made me think being treated that way was acceptable.
Are you afraid to stand up for yourself and expect to be treated with respect? Or even leave and work on you so that one day you can meet someone you don't have to be dumped on by?
For me... I'd rather be by myself then be with someone I have to figure out how to live with because he treats me like crap.
Life isn't about tolerating someone who doesn't value you. You have to love yourself to know you are worth more then this.
all you can do is take care of yourself.
and he cheated before the addictions kicked back in, right? that says something too.
broken trust takes a long, long time to rebuild. If ever.
Sometimes we forget that WE are our number one priority.
My husband never cheated prior to getting involved with this woman. He was evicted from the house I was renting when the landlady found out from her friends on the police force that he was seen buying pills. Evidently he was being watched by the cops. He became addicted to her money and what that money and what she would buy him. When she would tel him she wasn't sending any money to him he would get enraged, take it out on me then get a phone call from her saying that she had sent moneygram prior to her original phone call. Prior to all this never ever laid a hand on me. Ever.
He left and moved here to the beach and I truly believed him when he said he lost everything when he was evicted from the house and wanted to work on our marriage and she was gone from his life. 2015 was the worst I ever saw him. After he kicked a pot of Christmas flowers at me and it hit me in the head, he was arrested for domestic battery and possession of cocaine. He gave up the drugs in lieu of vodka and a drink call hurricane# 5 consisting of 5 different rums. He became a fall down drunk, was hit by a car when he was coming to his apartment , had three bleeds in his brain and brain swelling. He still isn't right in his thinking specifically reasoning and logic.
Why do I stay in this marriage? Because I know what he like prior to this mess and I pray that with help he gets back to the person he used to be. I realize it is going to take a long time and he may never be the person he used to be.
I do know that I am worth much more than being a punching bag so him. And I do respect myself now. I was so beat down and thought if I say nothing he would not hit me when he didn't get what he wanted from her.(knowing full well after she heard him hitting me she would hang up and call him back laughing saying that the money was there and had been) I have learned to stop walking on eggshells, would kick him out of my apartment ( he does not live with me). He knows that he will never ever lay a hand on me again since I signed the papers to have him arrested. I am no longer the meek person I allowed myself to turn into.
I am disabled with a bone problem that destroyed my hips and waiting for hip replacement surgery in the upcoming months. I have been trying to work on myself, so I can get back to the person I was before all this and with the knowledge I have gained throughout this period. I have found contentment in finding small pieces of myself and what I have enjoyed and denied myself of for too long. I pray for him everyday and that is all I can do for him. I am learning that it is ok to love myself and to be my own person. I am also learning that just because he says something has to be a certain way doesn't mean it is the way it is for me.
I agree with you. 28 days does not seem to be enough and was praying it would be longer. He doesn't have insurance that pays for longer treatment. Where we live centers are few and far in between or cost a years salary for a 30 day program.
I am trying to take care of myself mentally, emotionally and physically. It is rough at times because I am disabled , in a wheelchair and need to have my hips replaced in the upcoming months. My daughter and grandkids are moving here to help me out and he didn't like that. I told him it is not for him have a voice in.
He cheated after he became involved with this woman who gives him huge amounts of money knowing what he was doing. She is also married, has children, they both have no respect or value towards anyone. It reminds me of narcissistic behaviors, they both have the sense of entitlement... she feels entitled to my husband because they dated when he was 16 and she was 18 and he feels entitled to her constantly opened wallet.
You are right about us being the number one priority and somewhere along the line I got lost. Working to find my way back though
Put yourself first, as you need to be positive for your upcoming health needs.Like myself, us nurses put the world 1st, and then we're on empty when we need strength for ourselves. There's Al anon and Nara non meetings that would help you so much too.
Godspeed.............