I go for a long time and do just fine. Then something happens in my life and I miss my ex again. I've been struggling with recovering from blood clots in my lungs and that has my life turned upside down. I left my ex and moved back to Arizona at the end of 2005. It is my understanding that since I left (according to him and criminal records) he has never been clean and/or sober for long since I left. In 2010 he started calling me and wanting to start over. But I emphasized that if he came here, there would no drugs, no booze and I could not go back to that life. He kept calling for about six months (a lot of times he was drunk and I wouldn't speak to him then). He said all the "right things" and I have to admit I did enjoy having him to talk to again. At that time I was just diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and he'd always been my rock. Long story short, I have not heard from him for about a year. And Monday I discovered he had been arrested for "public lewdness, indecent exposure, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness." In other words, nothing changes...other than he goes from one woman to another who will tolerate his drinking and drugging. Why do I still have hope that some day he will get clean & sober. I've known him since he was 11. When we became a couple he had five years clean and sober and I thought he'd make it. Other than when we were together, this man has never been clean and sober long. And I should see this as he is getting worse. He has been charged with a "sex crime" before. And that this is NOT the sign of a man who has been doing good he last year. This is a man sinking deeper and deeper into his addiction. And why do I even still care? And I still take it personally. He lost the best woman he ever had when I left. But I also lost the best man I've ever known to crack and booze. And why does it still hurt? And even though I miss him, I KNOW I could never live with anaddict in active addiction again. I've come so far and have so changed my life. I guess I'm trying to remember the behavior of an addict. It's been a long time.