I am new too. My experience is that of my boyfriend...an alcoholic, been hrough trestment and in and out of NA. Most h has stayed clen is 103 days. He isn't doing to well at the moment.
It my experience that recovery, as addiction, is all about them, and we are expected to wait in the wings and say and do all the right things, but, alas, we are only human and we are going through it all too...just better equiped to cope.
As yet, my boyfriend has not been taken away from me and I don't know how i would...will cope if this happens.
Sorry that I am really no help. Basically just wanted you to know that, I know how you are feeling and you aren't alone!

Every time I start to worry, i have a rule, I have to say a prayer of thanks to God that my kid is sober. Nothing else matters. Everything works out in time...he has a lot to adjust to and a ton of maturing to catch up on. My son got sober at about 23, and he is 28...and it wasnt' until at least two years out that I could even see who he was becoming. This last year has been amazing, as he has gotten promotions, fallen in love and now learned that they both take time, money and efforts....Anyway, At his age he would be leaving home anyway, and that whole letting the bird fly free thing would be happening in any case.

Thank GOD he is sober. That he is doing all the transitions and he is going to have a life! A good life!
I miss both my kids. My daughter and son both live in different states, each 8 hours from me. I talk to my daughter more often, my son, every couple of weeks now.

It is hard.I have had more experience and practice at this than you have.... I got a little rock that says serenity and holds a candle and I light it in the morning and say my prayers, and list all of my friends here on ds...and then leave it at that little table.

If you think about it--- we worry because we want to fix things...but that would mean that we had some control...and we don't! We never did! so we have to let it go.

Also, if you believe in your son, your worry is actually an insult to all the hard work that he is doing...that you don't really think he can do it. But you do think he can, don't you?

Also, (so much to say) as parents of addicts we tend to always focus on them...it is time to focus on you. You, your other family, whatever...See, sober or not, growing up and moving out--- kids, it is the only relationship that if you do it right, they leave you!!!!!!!
And you should be showing your kid confidence. saying I am proud, you go, boy! and stand back and be amazed. Really, it is all a big surprise party. Don't be frightened! Have hope, and be grateful.
Welcome to the group.

Welcome,, blue said it all,,, if you visualize a mother bird, she nudges her "chickadee" out of the nest when it's time to fly, eat, and live on it's own,,, she does not turn get back,, she stands by and watches ,,, in order for your son to continue to recover,,, you need to remember;
It's not always about the storm,, but the ability to dance in the rain !

The worry as a mom never really ends, whether it is for our addict child or our child who doesn't have the disease. But the best thing to remember is that your son is devoting the time he needs to learning to live his life sober and that is great. Try not to worry about the future and the what if's, embrace the moments he is healthy. I have learned that while my son is in recovery, I am too. I am learning that I cannot control my son, or what may happen, but I can control my life and not becoming consumed with worry. It is truly a process, I am proud to say this week my son celebrates 20 months sober, and each day and night I am thankful for today. PS, I would want to rip the head off of your contact too! hugs to you.

Thank you all for your kind words, wisdom, and support.
I do have faith in my son that he can do this! I know that I didn't cause this, can't control it, nor cure it. This is something I took away from my 1 alanon mtg :).
Blue, he has actually been out of the house for the past 4 yrs, and living about 3 hrs away. Him being away isn't the "new" part....it is the being sober and not able to spend time together that is the new part. I too, start my day with the Seremity prayer. I will now keep you all in my prayers as well!
This is a healing process for our entire family, and we are doing the best we can to take it 1 day at a time. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..... I am thankful that my son is sober, and is doing the hard work that he is doing. He is truly an amazing young man! I believe he is thankful for being sober, and having the continued support of my husband, myself, and his older brother.
I have truly learned what unconditional love is through all of this...

Jen~ welcome to our "family".. Sounds like your son is well on his way, congrats!! My addict is my son (22, currently in jail, so at least dry..) I found this group during the darkest time in my life, and am so glad. These guys are my new best friends! Hope you will also find the support and hope that you need. Peace.

Welcome Jen as Kim p said welcome to our family. We are a group of survivors that have all come here for the same reason to learn how to do our best with the hand we were dealt. Not an easy task at times almost impossible but maybe that's why we all found this site to begin with to share cry support and educate each other. I know when I began my journey of having an addicted son who was barely 18 at the time ( almost 2 years ago) I found this site and I have made some if the best friends I have ever had. I truly love them they have taught me so much and when things were at their worst they kept me sane . So I'm glad you found us even though I'm sorry you had to. I will also add your son to my prayers . Dee

Welcome Jen. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. There are many here who have gone through similar problems... you are not alone.

I just posted a reading suggestion .. " Setting Boundaries with Your adult Children" by Allison Bottke. I have 2 sons incarcerated at this time due to drugs, alcohol, and criminal activities. Their father and I divorced several years ago. Thankfully, we are on speaking terms, and I plan to send him a copy of this book, also. (Hopefully he'll read it).

Thanks for the suggested reading.
How do these young folks that were raised with values and morals make such bad choices that lead to this terrible disease? I suppose I am feeling a bit frustrated today. Is is possible to feel frustrated, angry, and thankful simultaneously? Ughhhhh.... I am working on being for thankful for today...my son is clean and sober 1 more day :)
I wish I could talk with him; for, it has been over 2 weeks since we have talked. I am assuming the SL rep would notify me if there was a "slip"?
My new DS friends are in my prayers.....

Welcome Jen!

It looks like you've gotten a lot of excellent feedback already! I do think its important for those first 30 days to have no contact. That was almost 2 years ago for me but I remember it very clearly. I was apprehensive at first but then took it as a 30 day gift of peace, calm and serenity. I knew my son was safe and getting what he needed.

Welcome to our group!

jen,
I am reading the book "Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children" as suggested by jraernr, and it is well worth the time. It explains everything, lays out plans and references bible verses. I am learning a lot about how I may have enabled these behaviors and how to set a new boundary.
Just relish the fact the he is sober and let your time away from him be a new start for both of you. So happy for your son and you. Encourage and be happy!
Just one more piece of advice; my aunt always said; it seems like when my kids think I'm not listening; they tell me the most. So keep yourself busy and soon you'll be in the right place.

Welcome, Jen, from yet another mother who turned to this site in her darkest hour and found support and friendship. I'm a relative newcomer, just here since March, but what a journey it's been!

I discovered my 28 year-old son was addicted to heroin when he started to go through withdrawal 6 1/2 months ago (he was living a few hours away, and I had no idea this was going on). He said he wanted to get clean, and I helped him get admitted to a detox facility. These lovely women who have reached out to you did the same for me when I was reeling with shock. The nights I couldn't sleep, this site gave me solace reading the journeys of these loving parents and how they survive and thrive. My son has been clean for 6 1/2 months now, and I am deeply grateful. He's come so far, but I know he's not "out of the woods" completely. Are they ever? I don't know the answer.

Your love for your son comes through loud and clear; you're obviously a very devoted mother. We raise our children as best we can, protecting them from danger when they're small, and hopefully helping them learn the lessons along the way that will allow them to make good life decisions. We did not cause them to make those choices. Unfortunately there are other influences in society that pull them in, and it is way beyond our control. It is hard to trust that all will be well when we have been so deeply disappointed, but we can keep hoping, and communicate that hope to them.

Worry? Of course we worry, even while we're trying to remain positive and hopeful. Occasionally I spiral into "worst case scenario" fears, and then I have to come here for some straight talking. Sometimes just reading other posts answers my need.

It would be extremely hard not to have contact with your son for such a long time, especially when you are so close. Maybe you could write him a heart-felt letter, telling him the things you would say if he was there with you. At least you could express your feelings that way, and not feel consumed with his absence. Afterward you could give the letter to him, or maybe just writing it out would be all you need to ease your heart.

Your son is blessed to have such a loving family. All the best to you.

Anni99... Thank you for your kind words, it truly warmed my soul!
Funny you should mention writing a letter to my son. I wrote him a letter last week and mailed it to him. I am not sure that the Sober Living place got it to him, but I have no control over that (amongst other things)....lol
The very brief updates that I have received have been positive...he is clean, working his program, and reaching out to newer members in the AA community to offer them help.
I am planning on driving up to see him next week (about 21/2 hrs away) if he has the same day off work that I do. He will be able to get his phone and laptop back (after 8 months!). It will be wonderful to see him and spend some time with him. We have had VERY limited time together while he has been in treatment / sober living; however, I know he needs to invest the time, effort, and energy in to his recovery.
One day at a time.....
Thanks again for everyone's input, words of wisdom, and support. What an amazing group of strong, loving folks I have "met".

My suggestions for when you see him are to hug him hard. tell him how proud of him you are, tell him something good you have done for yourself in the process of getting well and then ask him questions and just let all his thoughts flow. My son spewed out ideas and thought till time was up...but it was wonderful to see him thinking.
Enjoy the visit. Tell him you found us. he will be happy. Hug him Hard!!!

Thank you Blue.....I always do. Hey that rythmes:)
Yes, I plan on telling hime that I have found support. He will also be glad to hear that my husband and I are leaving on a dive trip 10/11, and celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. He might be a bit jealous that we are going diving without him, but we will all be looking forward to a family vacation when the time is right!
Again, thanks for your support:)