First... Welcome! You will find love and support here, I most certainly did and I am eternally grateful. Ohhhh. I am so so sorry to hear of your struggle. Life with an alcoholic spouse is not easy. I have spent the last twenty years with one! Please know that I will keep you in my heart and prayers. Blessings to you and your family.

Welcome to our group. glad that you found us and sorry that you had to. I hope by reading some older posts, you can see that we have all shared some of your issues...in one way or another. Loving an addict is tough. if loving them and praying for them was enough, none of us would be here.
There is also alanon groups that could be in person support for you.
I guess, right off the start, my biggest worry would be that in a limited social environment, you kids are not seeing the healthiest example of fatherhood. That must be very hard for you.
From what you are writing, you plan on staying another 17 years. If you really think you can last that long, I would suggest you start making a plan now. start saving 5 bucks a month, or taking a course, something..because if he never makes any money, or gets better, you are going to have nothing for your old age, and twenty years from now, you will feel even more stuck.
I always say, hope for the best and plan for the worst.
(I know, a lot thrown at you for your first post, just something to think about.)

As an active alcoholic....I still can see you have a lot on your plate.

Having a 1 year old at 40 something....is enough....now you have a 1 year old....and a husband who is much like a child.

I know we don't come here....to be told to leave.....and mostly we come to vent.

I'm glad you found a safe place to vent.

Me as an alcoholic...I have underlying issues....is this something your hubby has?

Drinking causes so many problems physically and mentally...depression, high blood pressure at his age...sleep disorders....All of it goes away when I don't drink...except the depression..

But the physical need to drink.....is a kicker...its easier to drink than not to drink....I was hoping when you mentioned the baby that the baby would give him a new perspective as well...

Your clearly not happy :(....and when I'm not happy...I have to move on....I did a 22 year stint with a man...6 with another...now on 3....with another....

They say...."Nothing changes, if Nothing changes".

Are you strong enough to change? For you and your children? Because you can't change him...or you already would have. :(

I will be totally honest now....I was going to be an alcoholic I drank before I met all these guys.......but my unhappy relationships....made me spiral....he could be just as unhappy..as you....

My Mom said....yes, you drank...at 17....but since you have been with this man...you have spiraled...looking back...yes, I did..I was unhappy......he may not love you enough anymore...or himself...and he is escaping..you talk about God....let God....and let go :(.

Even thou...Im the drinker....my b/f has an addiction that I am almost done with putting up with..

And if I had little kids...this is the time (which I wish I did for my kids)...to show them the strong MOM...you sound almost done....Only you can save THEM...and YOU..I regret not saving my kids.

Unemployment is tough...finances are tough...but shelters are out there....dragging 3 kids to a shelter..probably not the most attractive scenario..so a plan....is next for you.....with family...or friends...make a plan..don't waste 17 more years :(

Thank you jms7229, blueviolet725 and Misssy2 for your replies. I have thought about making a plan to save money in case he continues to drink for the next 17 years. And once he finds a new job and we get some of our debt caught up, then I do intend to put a little aside each paycheck.

I think it is hard to contemplate leaving now because my boys (11, 13) are very much attached to their dad. The 11 year old thinks that anything dad says/does is just wonderful (other than the drinking and smoking, for which he has begged him to stop). I truly felt when my husband found out that our 11 year old had figured out the drinking that it would make him really re-evaluate his situation. Since I am not an alcoholic myself, I don't know how hard it is to quit, but I just think that for my kids I could do anything.

I just find it a shame that someone who once was clear minded and so sharp has let this addiction control his life. I don't think he knows how to function without the alcohol. Like we went to church this morning and I swear he smells like it right now. I am not 100%, but I would about bet money on it. And to think that we really just cannot afford it, but even if we could, he still needs to stop.

I have asked him to go to rehab and actually had contacted a place about an hour from here in hopes that he would go while he was out of work, but he never followed up. It was a 65 day program and it would be very hard for our family to be without a decent income for that length of time, but I guess I was just thinking maybe this was the time for him to get help.

As for the kids, they are able to get out and socialize with lots of people through our church, neighbors, friends and homeschool group. They think their dad is the greatest dad, which I am thankful for, but they also know he has these problems. Sometimes it is like having 4 kids instead of 3. And sometimes he can be the biggest kid of all. I mean like whining and pitching a fit when something doesn't go his way or being able to do something he wants to do. I think he needs to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult and teach his kids that we cannot always get what we want, when we want.

Anyway, I just want to say thank you for your comments and prayers. I will continue to pray that the Lord will take the desire to drink (and smoke) away from him, but if that doesn't happen, I will continue to hold on for my kids. I know that they do not want to go back to public school and I know that I don't want to have to leave my baby with a sitter or at daycare. I will try to go back through older posts and read some of the stories and comments as well. Thanks so much!

ok...so you kinda have a plan.

I did wonder about the 11 year old :(

Oh yea...I did not leave because my kids were attached to their Dad.

Bad move on my part...Their Dad..beat me.
I was the drunk so I thought I deserved it.

What I see with your kids....is they know he is drinking...smoking....and know it is not a normal life.

Do we want more for our kids? I cant stress enough...how much your kids..that you think your protecting...are suffering.

I didn't see it for years later....keep your plan..I get it....need to get to a place...save enough money....but don't give up on your plan....for your kids...don't.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I had the same reaction as blueviolet. Your kids are learning from what they see at home. Your husband is modeling what a father is supposed to be. They are learning that it's OK for a father to stay at home and let the mother handle everything while he drinks and smokes cigars and doesn't work. I've heard many stories of children who have grown up with alcoholic parents, and it does cause damage to them. They may be truly better off living apart from him, even if they think he is wonderful. Right now the baby is probably too young to have experienced emotional damage, but that day could come. I also wonder what another 17 years of living with this stress is going to do to you. Your health is every bit as important as your kids'. I've always heard that you should take care of yourself first so you are in a position to take care of others. The analogy is putting on your oxygen mask on an airplane before putting them on the kids.

I hope that if he's going to drive after drinking, that at least the kids aren't in the car. If you know that he's driving while drinking, you may want to consider reporting him to the police. That could get him another DUI and some time in jail to dry out. Perhaps the court will order treatment. However, it could backfire on you because of the heavy financial cost involved.

You aren't going to be able to change him, and he doesn't seem to really have a reason to change. Alcoholism gets progressively worse over time.

It seems that you are very involved in the church. Is he? I would recommend talking to your pastor for advice and also see if he'd be willing to go for marital counseling.

I also recommend the book Boundaries. It will help you decide where to draw the line and what your limits are and to enforce them.

Good luck to you and your children.

Thanks Donna7455. I know this is going to sound odd, because in the addiction part I know my husband is not a good dad, but in most other ways he really is a good dad. He plays with the kids, takes them to do things. I think it is hard to reconcile myself into leaving when he has been a good provider and good dad.

He isn't always out of work. The past few years he has been between jobs, the one prior to this last job where he was let go, he actually left himself to be closer to home. But he let his pride and the attitude of being better than anyone else at what he does I do believe was his downfall. They said it was due to budget cuts but I fully believe that they would have found a way to keep him on if he hadn't done something to warrant them not wanting him there. I sometimes wonder if it was because of the 20+ times he had to go out and smoke a day, or if people saw him going in/coming out of the ABC store one too many times. I just don't know.

He has a opportunity that we are waiting to hear back from today. I do feel like if he does not get it that God is trying to tell him something. I can't say he hasn't provided for us. Do we have an emergency fund? No. Are we in debt? Yes. Are those things due in part to loss of jobs the past 5 years? Somewhat. Are they due to the fact that he throws so much money in the trash by drinking and smoking? Hugely. Could we be debt free with possibly the house we need to fit our family in if he had not spent so much money on alcohol and cigars the past 10 years? YES!!! But we have always been able to pay our bills, with an exception of one other time when he was in between jobs and we had to borrow some off his parents. It is just sad.

I told him Sat, Sun and yesterday that he could not spend anymore on those items because we had to have money for bills. And guess what? Yep, he bought more at some point yesterday. He goes and buys the cigars at the grocery store and then gets cash back for the ABC store. Well this morning I took the debit card out of his wallet. I have to say I would love to see his face when he tries to sneak out town today or tomorrow to purchase more! His mom had been letting him use her credit card here and there to go get a few groceries but she also took it from him as well. So right now he has no way of buying any. So maybe, just maybe if I can keep him from buying any the rest of this week I can help him detox and get a clear head and mindset. I will keep everyone posted.

Thanks again for taking time to read my post and reply!

I hope the opportunity comes through!

About the buying of cigars and alcohol, I wish you luck. Maybe it will be enough to frustrate him and see he needs help. But, I have to say that I've been through enough and read enough stories on here and talked to enough people to know that you need to be prepared for other possibilities.

He is addicted to both cigars and alcohol. It is likely that he is going to go through physical withdrawal from both without his two "drugs". He will become sick enough to either get very angry at you or desperate enough to find other ways to get the money. It is very hard to get off nicotine. Alcohol withdrawal can make a person very sick and, if it's bad enough, can actually be fatal if not done under a doctor's supervision. Going through nicotine and alcohol withdrawal combined will not be pretty.

Based on my own experience, I can give you some ways that he can still get money. He can go down to the bank and withdraw it. He can manipulate his mother into giving it to him. He can steal it (probably by visiting his mother and sneaking some cash out of her wallet) or he can shoplift the cigars and alcohol. He can sell something or pawn it. He can apply for a credit card in his own name and then take cash advances. I've even had my son get into physical struggles or prevent me from leaving the house if I wouldn't give him cash, and I can tell you that I'm not the only person that has happened to on this site.

I tell you this not to discourage you, but to prepare you for the possibility. If he finds a way to get around your taking the debit card away, then you will know that he is truly addicted and will need help in order to quit. He also has to be able to admit that he has a problem AND be willing to do something about it. That's something that only he can do. At that point, then it is best for you to work on your own recovery, starting with the first step in the Al-Anon program, which is understanding that you have no power over his addiction and you can not control it. That step took me a very long time to understand. I spent a whole lot of time locking things up, hiding money and valuables, blocking phone numbers on the cell phone, following my son around, and generally making myself crazy. It didn't do a bit of good. My son and I both had to work on our own recovery and I'm happy to say that we have both come a very long way.

Donna7455, Thanks for your insight. I know you are right in the fact that he will find someway to buy what he wants. It is just so frustrating to want someone to quit so badly and you see the opportunity for them to be able to do so and they just don't "get" it. And he does get quite ill at me if I take money or debit cards from him. And maybe I shouldn't do that. But I am the one who makes all our bill payments and know how much we have or don't have to get by.

He did get the job and he will start the 22nd. I am asking everyone to please pray that from now until then that he will be able to at least quit drinking.

I really hope he doesn't blow this opportunity. This is a job that is about 1-1/2 hours from our house and the commute will be awful, but it is the best paying job he has ever had and he has had some pretty decent ones for the are we live in. I am hoping he will really get real and we can get all our debt paid off, and emergency fund started/saved and a down payment on a house.

The goal is to do the above and then hopefully be able to move closer to his job. Just pray that he will take this seriously and make sure that he doesn't go into work smelling of alcohol and to not take advantage of his employers by taking 20 plus smoking breaks a day. Thanks so much.