Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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rlb79
rlb79
Hi Everyone, I've been on Daily Strength in other forums but never a part of this group. I have addicts in my family and I'm in recovery for codependency. I have never had an alcohol or drug addiction, my addiction has always been in the relationships I have. Caring too much for others, absorbing their problems as mine, and neglecting myself. I'm retraining my brain to do things differently -- it's hard! But I'm making progress. Here are some 'fun facts' about me and my background:

-My biological father abandoned me. I saw him during my childhood but he was not "there" for me and we did not form a bond.

- My step-father came into my life at 5-years old. He is a functional alcoholic, and has been emotionally and physically abusive to my Mom. They are still married, he is in denial, and so is she.

-My older sister is a heroin addict. If she's not in jail we don't know where she is. I love her, but cannot have her in my life as she is sick and toxic. That hurts me because we are 2 years apart and the closest in age.

-My younger sister is depressed and unmotivated, she drinks to excess and smokes pot. She is only 20 and has experimented with more drugs and alcohol then I ever have. I worry for her and I believe she is also an alcoholic in denial.

-My younger brother is depressed, he doesn't really drink or do drugs but he is very unmotivated. I don't think he has much self esteem at all. He is 22 and not social at all. Stays home, does nothing.

-And then there's me. The worry wart of the family, panic stricken, anxiety ridden, ball of nerves always worried about what's going to happen to everyone else but me. I am learning to detach and set boundaries. It's hard and it makes me sad. My Mom has already told me she thinks I'm acting "different" and that's because I don't immerse myself in the family problems anymore, so my new boundaries are being perceived as distance. It saddens me.....

Hopefully we can all support eachother here, uplift eachother and help one another as we all travel these difficult roads.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel... the 'normal' one so to say, but in reality you(and me) are not normal at all. our loved ones are addicted, and we pick up the pieces:/
rlb79
rlb79
Thanks @lovemyshihtzu, I agree - and my family (especially my Mom) always comments on how I'm the "rock" of the family. But internally I'm a mess because I'm always in a panic about whether or not my Dad is going to flip out on her, or will my sister overdose, will my other siblings make it in life? All those worries concern me constantly. I saw a counselor and I would dump all these worries on him and he would simply reply with "that's not your issue or your problem to deal with" -- and I'm just sitting there looking like a deer in headlights LOL. I don't even know how to NOT make it my problem. I'm starting to learn and my personal boundaries are now in effect. I guess it's time for me now.....sometimes I feel guilty about turning the focus on myself but that's part of co-dependency and I need to constantly remind myself that I deserve to take care of myself and my own needs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
exactly... I would go to work everyday and my withdrawing boyfriend and his mom would be blowing my phone up... I couldn't concentrate at my job, now he is in a secure facility to detox. I miss him, but I know he is in the best place possible.
rlb79
rlb79
I know how you feel....it's such a struggle! Best of luck to you and your boyfriend. I wish my sister would go to a facility. The only facility she goes to is jail.
deleted_user
deleted_user
thank you! he hid it from me for months. I know he had problems in the past but was unaware that he was still using. it took me finding out and him starting withdrawal that made him decide to go. have you thought of an intervention?
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I think it is a wonderful opportunity for you to lead your family to a healthier lifestyle, by your focusing on your recovery.

How wonderful that you have seen a different and healthier and happier way to live! We can't change others, only ourselves....but we can be the light in the darkness, leading the way!
katrinka
katrinka
The hardest part of having addicts in your family is realizing there is very little we can do to change them. Children who grow up in alcoholic homes have a higher rate of becoming addicts themselves or getting into relationships with addicts.
This site has very good handouts on Dysfunctional Families as well as Codependent and many more that can help you.
http://www.erikbohlin.net/handouts.htm
beantown
beantown
Wow! You have quite a full plate...no wonder you're a "ball of nerves!" But as everyone will tell you here, you can't solve any of your family members' problems; all you have any control over are your own. So for your own survival and sanity, you'll have to continue to detach, and not just detach, but detach with love, which is not easy but it is absolutely essential. Best of luck and stay strong.
bbrave
bbrave
Learning to detach is very hard...you have come to the right place to do so. There is so much support here...don't hesitate to take advantage of it.
rlb79
rlb79
Thanks everyone! Yes, detaching is definitely very difficult.....just the other day my Mom was saying how she "doesn't know what's gonna" happen with my younger brother and sister, because they are depressed and unmotivated, and basically just living at home doing nothing. I am out of the house and on my own - she said, "well I guess if they're still here when your dad and I pass away you'll just have to take care of them" --- Ummmmmmm.......NO. LOL I won't be taking care of them. Not that I'm trying to be cold and heartless, and I certainly don't want to see my siblings on the streets, but we all need to make our own way in life and not just piggy back on the success of others. They are both very smart but just don't apply themselves. Again, that's not my issue. I told my Mom absolutely not I have no intention of caring for two full grown adults who do nothing, and she was upset. She said "oh wow, so you would just let your siblings be homeless??" and she made me feel pretty bad. I don't really know what to say to that.....
cardinal39
cardinal39
it's funny,, on facebook,, there was a post that read,,,,
mom what is normal,, mom replied, a cycle on the washer machine,,, shoot how true is that!!! especially when dealing with addicts,,,,

has it's already been said,,,, You can not change and addicit,, nor can you fix one, or cure one,,,,

stop owning whats not yours,,,,, weakness is allowing others to assume we are so strong,,,, strength does not mean, holding up others,,, it means being able to hold ourselves up

let go,,,,
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I would tell mom that you hope that they are able to reach their full potential as talented and smart adults long before she passes, and that you hope that they will be taking care of HER! Because she deserves it after looking after them.

Your mom must be proud of you to think of loading you up with two siblings to look after (even if only in a half hearted way)...
Keep going...you must be doing lots of things right!
deleted_user
deleted_user
maybe your younger siblings should join daily strength! they sound like me in a way , depressed and unmotivated... what made me get motivated(at least to get a job) was realizing I was broke and had bills to pay.... does your mom pay their bills? like phone bill?
bambusue
bambusue
It's really common in a family when one member makes some changes, for the other members to try to change them back, even if the initial changes are healthy. The family dynamic contains a lot of energy. I think of it as a wheel going in one direction, and if one spoke tries to make a change in the direction of the wheel, the others pull harder in the original direction. It takes a lot of energy, and i can see you do know what you are doing that is healthy. Keep it up, and keep getting healthy!
rlb79
rlb79
Thanks everyone! I really do hope they reach their full potential in life, they are both very smart and talented in different ways. @lovemyshihtzu, yes my parent's fully support them which is a big part of the problem. They pay for EVERYTHING. cell phone bills, they both have iphones, they both have big flat screen tv's, they both were GIVEN cars, there is absolutely no reason for them to change when everything is being handed to them. But....that is not my issue and part of detaching is to not worry about that :o) All I can do is hope and pray that they make it.