I know its so hard when they are mad but I'm sure your son is mad at himself for becoming an addict and having all these crappy issues!
He never wanted to become addicted and I bet he is realizing what a mess he has made. Plus addicts don't like to have to get clean and the thought of it makes them so mad and mean. Hang in there this is a tough place to be but it will get better somehow. You are a great mom and that boy is damn lucky to have you! I know how you feel about the appointments cause my son missed one and then they expected him to go without his medication and what did he do relapse??? hanh in there girl you are stronger then this!!

I wish I had some kind of useful advice to give you, I'm sure there is someone else here who can do a better job of it. I can sympathize a little though. My mother has been forced into a treatment program, even if it's a lax one and doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. I keep hoping that something will sink in and get to her, and it seems to be a little. Maybe even if your son isn't ready to quit right now he will realize something part way through and it will stick. I know it sounds like a naive wish, but it's what I'm praying for, and I'll add you in. I really hope things get better for you, and I sincerely doubt your son really wants to be dead, in my very limited experience people often say what they think will hurt most just to get a reaction. What's that saying misery loves company? Talk about true. I'm sure he's just ashamed and upset and doesn't know how to handle it so he wants you to suffer with him. Even though you already are. I'm still waiting for bottom, you're fighting your way back up and that's got to be even harder.

it is the drugs and the addiction talking. this is not your son. once he gets the help he will be so thankful that you were there all along offering to help him

It's the drugs, the shame, the inability to think clearly, the need to hide away, all mixed up in a bundle of pure unhappiness, self-loath and addiction.

Your son sounds like my brother. I used to get terrified by his reactions because I couldn't recognise my brother in that person. It's scary..

Ex did and said all the same things because he was back using or was wanting to give in to using drugs. His head would not shut up. It badgered him almost constantly. Eventually he just wanted to go do drugs and except to himself this is who he is. I guess if you fight hard not to use and the brain does not shut up you finally lose all hope of being drug free. That is how the brain works. Is your son on any blockers to help with cravings?
I;m sorry for both of you. He has to learn to rewire his brain patterns so the brain will eventually shut up. Only this takes several months if not years of telling yourself your not going to do drugs. Basically the brain is not going to win out.

Thanks everyone I know he is mad at himself and he should be! He has ruined his life by his stupid selfish choices and also the lives of those around him that love him mainly myself my husband and our 2 daughters ( not to mention all his other close relatives) It is hands down the most frustrating situation to watch your handsome smart full of life son trade it all in for nothingness. Why? I really don't know but I think alot of it was due to some pre-exisiting anxiety and depression coupled with the fact of it is all around him most of his friends have had and still have their own drug issues and all of these kids are from nice families that care about them too. We are in the throws of the biggest epidemic of drug use i have ever seen yes there was always drugs around but today it seems to be everywhere! My son is not taking anything for cravings only an anantidepressant . Next week he is going to a local chemical dependancy/ psychiatric hospital for an intake evaluation he has agreed to go back to rehab but he will only agree to IOP He says he really doesn't care if he lives he only cares that he is hurting us so that is why he has agreed to going back to rehab even though I know he has to really want to get better I think that doing the IOP is better than doing nothing and maybe it will click in his head this time maybe not. I don't have the hope that I first had when he went to a different IOP program but yet I am not hopelesss. I will never give up on him I realize that often it is a process that takes time even though I want it over with yesterday. I know it may come to the point where I can no longer watch him destroy himself and I will have to ask him to leave but i know I am not there yet not because I am not fed up but because he has agreed to go back to rehab so I feel I have to give him this chance. I pray all the time that he wakes up! Quite frankly I am devastated. I know I am addicted to my addict but that too is a process one I work on every day and one where I have become much stronger and wiser thanks in large part by the pepole on this site. So thank you all for your prayers and concerns. i really do appreiate everyones input. Dee

Oh my dear friend, it is the drugs or the spiraling down from them, at the end I couldn't ell which was which anymore. My son too said I wish I was dead and just recently he told me what I said ( which I didn't even remember) I said, ok take the easy way out. He said that is when he started to realize that I wasn't going to keep enabling him. Just as he has to want this and do it in his own time, you too have to do it in your own time. So many people told me that I needed to create boundaries and for a very long time, I didn't say what I meant . Sean recently told me , that he knew I wasn't going to make him leave, until I did it. It is so hard, it's painful, it's devastating but Dee you have to look into the mirror and tell yourself you need to be strong for you, for your husband and other children. Never give up hope, because Matt will get it, he just doesn't know how to get well. When you wake up Tommorrow morning you make sure when your feet hit the floor, the devil says oh crap she's up! Because you will not let this demon consume you. Love you and don't give up hope.

This is truly a fight against good and evil and I love what Dee said about the devil saying "oh crap she's up." We all need to stay firm in our defense and pray daily for our loved "addicted" ones. A lot of us have been where you are and it's extremely frustrating and seems like such a long up-hill battle but as long as you hang in there Dee, one day at a time, you score another point. Will be praying for you and your son. ~~HUGS~~

Thank You to my much needed wonderful friends on this site. I will stay in the fight and I agree with you Dee it is all about the Devil no question in my mind. I am not a religious fanatic but I totally believe that there are times in everyones lives for whatever reason that the Devil appears and trys to cause pain and suffering and that is what is going on in my life . The thing is I believe in Jesus my savior and with God and Jesus in my corner the Devil has NO chance of winning (he just doesn't know it yet) but he is starting to see it. I love my son and will never give up on him , I know the true Matt and know he will be back . In the meantime I will have bad days good days and terrible days but as long as i am fighting for good with love in my heart I know in the end it will be ok. Thank you all for your well wishes and as always I will continue to keep you and your struggling loved ones in my prayers as well. Dee

the devil has been after me for a long time and wanting me to give up and despair. my daughter was suicidal thoughts and attempts from nov 2010 till may 2012. she is finally free of the thoughts. we prayed, we listened to christian music, we read bible verses but nothing could get rid of the thoughts and i didn't know what to answer her when she asked why God wasn't answering her prayers. I said i don't know why but i know he will, i just don't know when and we just keep standing. soooooo many tears, so many antidepressants, so many times in the pysch ward. two overdoses. God was still there and today she is doing well. i will never take anything for granted but i know i can trust God to see me through my son's addiction also. one day at a time and we will learn from each other and we will help each other and we will pray. The devil will NOT win. Even if my son would die tomorrow, I know he would be with the Lord and so even then the devil won't win. this i know and this i cling to.