In my experience my addict son would say "this is the last time you'll hear from me, I'm going to kill myself" and so on, to get me to give in and enable him. I'm not sure (and who can be) if that is what is going on with your son but since he doesn't talk that way to your husband, I think he knows that you, as a mother, have a more tender heart. It was the same way at our house, addict son never called Dad with a crisis or need ... always me. And I gave in to his manipulation and enabled. My son lived in the same area as us. I often thought it would be easier if he was far away but I guess it is not. Addicts are manipulative especially when they are high or drunk. It is scary, though.

You know what we are all going to say. Take care of yourself. Do something for you.

I have a spouse that when he knows he is out of control and has royally screwed up tries the same thing with me. Finally last year I called his bluff and had him admitted for a 72 hour hold. They put him on anti depressants which seemed to help. The thing is yes he may just be playing on your emotions but he will continue unless you stand up to it now. I have not had another episode with these threats again. Although I still have battles with his addiction he never goes that far. He would always say he was just going to rid us of him. He wanted to die, he was useless, and he screws up all the time. He would get so emotional when he drank and used others substances that he would always break down and regret everything he has done. The problem is either he is seeking to get empathy from you when you in fact probably have a right to be mad or he is so depressed and the alcohol being a depressant is making him feel worse. You say he is a joy when he is sober? Maybe he is on a roller coaster of emotions? Has he ever been Diagnosed with depression or Bi Polar? Bi Polar tend to have really highs and then really lows. When you combine Alcohol it can make things worse. I promise you that he will speak to you again because you are his mother. He will not shut out the people that love him if he really wants to change his life instead of succumbing to the sickness. He is reaching out in the hope for some emotional support not realizing he is torturing you. Don't fall prey to it. Report it. Even if he gets mad he will learn not to use such harsh statements when he is like this. You can not put his actions on how you respond to it. Do what you feel better about but I think his threats are for attention and underlying deeper issues. Good Luck to you and trust me he will not shut you out forever no matter how mad he gets

Thank you both. He has been diagnosed with clinical depression, which he inherited from me. I have BEGGED him to take medication, but he refuses. He isn't giving himself a chance. He thinks 22 is old or something, so says he "HAS tried", and is giving up. I am pretty sure he blames his dad & I for the misery of his existence. He has said several times that he wishes we had never had him. I have talked until Im blue in the face. He says his drinking is all he has going for him. I just never imagined this sweet child would be like this. I blame myself for passing down my crappy genes.

Gordos4, blame is counterproductive for you and your son. It is not your fault. Does he actually say he blames you? If he blames you for his "crappy genes" then he is giving himself permission to continue on his destructive path and will not take personal responsibility for his behavior. I do think the depression is a factor but I know many people with that diagnosis who, with the right help, are happy, healthy and functional.

I think we've all played the blame game at some point. I know I have. My brain and my heart are often at odds. Hang in there.

Please don't blame yourself. While parenting and genes may be a factor, he is making choices. Alcohol is a depressant, which is why it makes him feel suicidal and he seems fine when he's not drinking. Anti-depressants may help, but only if the alcohol is out of the picture first. Only then can he be diagnosed correctly.

Yes, this is typical of alcoholics and addicts. And, yes, it's manipulation. You are right on target. He does this to you because he knows you will put up with it and your husband won't.

My son used to also threaten suicide. One day he had a horrible break-up and went to a neighbor's apartment (unlocked) where he knew they kept a gun. He told me that he tried to kill himself with it, but the gun didn't go off. I can't say with certainty that it's a true story, but I think I believe it. During that particular time period, he wasn't threatening suicide. It was a spur of the moment thought brought on by his breakup. He wasn't following through on a threat.

Then I let him know that if he ever threatened to kill himself again, I was going to take him seriously. I would call 9-1-1 and have him admitted for a psych evaluation. He never threatened suicide again and never even talked about wanting to. I think it was manipulation, but it may also be that he's sober now. I think that's a good boundary to set with him. You may also want to give him the number of the National Suicide Hotline. Let him know that if he ever feels suicidal, that's the number he should call. They can help him. You aren't able to because he won't let you and you're not a professional.

I've also heard the threat that he will move away and we'll never see him again. That, too, was just manipulation.

It sounds to me like you are attempting to argue with a person who is drunk, which is never a good idea. It will make you crazy. It's stressful and it doesn't accomplish anything. Many people that I know of have set the boundary that they will only talk to their kids when they are sober. If he calls you when he's drunk, let him know that you are not going to talk to him until he's sober. Then hang up and don't answer. Repeat as often as necessary.

When he's sober, that's when you sound keep letting him know that you love him and he needs professional help. Don't let him talk to you about suicide without telling him that you are not a professional and can't help him. All that you can do is help provide referrals for professional help, but you aren't going to discuss it with him until he's ready to actually get help. Otherwise, all that he's doing is making you feel guilty and scared.

I think you know that you can't help him if he doesn't want help. However, you can help yourself. You have to make yourself your number one priority, even if it's not something that comes naturally to a parent. You are not going to be of any help to him if you make yourself sick. When you are stronger, you will be thinking more clearly and calmly and you will be able to help him more.

Thank you all. I have been a basket case all day, & my husband thinks our son went to work today & probably didn't even give me a 2nd thought. Yes, he partially blames me for his problems because of the genetics, he told me last night I never should have had him. He hears what he wants to hear. He knows he has depression, I have told him repeatedly that alcohol makes it worse, etc..etc..I already have one son that I haven't spoken to in months, I don't want another. I have to believe this is all in God's plan somehow, but it sure does suck in the meantime.

my son was severely depressed when he was a drunk. it also was a manipulation by him...it also was that he was letting us see his deepest hatred for his life.

I begged. I cried, pleaded, prayed...nothing changed. then one day, he decided to get help. he was 23. he is now sober 6 years this April.

He had a beautiful place to live, fun job...and got fired and the place he lived was filled with garbage bags. the bathroom was spotless, the kitchen was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. Puke on the floor in his bedroom and bags of garbage in his living room...he said that he felt self concious taking out the big black garbage bags...and then....I found all the bottles hidden. I had to fill my car and make two trips to the recycling. He was depressed...and when I cleaned out his place (he was in jail or rehab...I don't remember)...I told him I would never do it again. I would let his record collection get tossed. I couldn't do it again. SOOOO heart breaking.
seeing his depression - as his apartment represented....was awful. And no one seemed to understand. Now? the family brags on him....so unfathomable.
his depression is under control. he had to stop drinking to get well. One day, your son may see that too. My son said once he couldn't stop because girls wouldn't date him....and he did have one date who left him, because he wouldn't do shots with her...oh well. (now he has a lovely fiancee).
Nothing we do or go through will change them. we have to take care of ourselves....if we fall apart it is one more thing for them to drink over! and if we die from the stress, we will never see their success. you must do the old oxygen mask routine. save yourself first.

in my personal experience this happens alot the best thing is to try this

Detach is a learned art, the art of being responsible for your own actions and your own obligations.Some are fortunate to have learned this truth at an early age. Throughout their lives they've been sure of themselves and confident in their relationships. Others go though a great deal of suffering before they realize that detachment doesn't have to be selfishness but can actually be a way of self preservation. Once you've learned this important distinction, you can practice skills to strengthen your detachment. Detachment isn't a gift; it doesn't come easily or quickly. It's not a sudden illumination. Rather, it's usually learned in little ways, a bit at a time. Here are some ways to cultivate detachment.

1. When confronted with another's unjust anger, silently refuse to accept it. Smile inwardly and say to yourself, "I hear words, but they don't speak about my real self. I refuse to treat this anger as justified. Since I don't deserve this anger, I need not validate it by an angry response."

2. When faced with the arrogant, silent treatment of being ignored, don't fight back. Don't give in to the temptation of screaming or using abusive language. Be sure to avoid giving physical punishment. Instead, realize that smirking arrogance is the weapon of an unhealthy mind designed to evoke your emotional response. It's meant to upset you. If you're face to face with such a person, take a deep breath, sing a little song in your mind, whistle a tune, move to another room. As provocative as it can be, sick behavior is never an excuse to act in the same way. When the drinking alcoholic is no longer present, keep your mind occupied with other matters. Spend your efforts on taking care of yourself. Think positively and specifically about what you plan to do today to show your appreciation for yourself.

3. When someone you love is trying to manipulate you with apologizes, contrition, begging, tears, and maybe even threats of self-destruction, feel compassion for the pain that person is experiencing. Feel sympathy for the body that contains the disease causing this type of behavior; but don't be misled into thinking that your forgiveness or sympathy will in any way change the course of the disease of alcoholism. Such persons must have outside help, but their first step, as with everyone else, begins with their own personal action taking responsibility for themselves. Don't allow your inclination to be a savior control your actions. Refuse to give into the temptation to be the Bountiful Giver and Forgiver.

As you listen to the begging, pleading and conning, repeat silently to yourself, " Detach... detach... detach...detach." You'll survive the session and feel amazingly stronger. How can you react to the conning plea's if you're busy reminding yourself to detach? You're under no obligation to anyone to answer, to make things right, or to give others what they want. You're listening only because you love that person. As your imperviousness to the swindle becomes obvious to the smooth talkers, very often contriteness turns into rage. If this happens and you're in physical danger, get away immediately. If you're showered with verbal abuse and you choose to stay around, try to let the words bounce off. Say to yourself, " This person is sick; to preserve my own health, I must let go." If you can come through one of these sessions unruffled, you're on your way to a wonderful feeling of self-worth. Don't allow yourself to relive the argument later. To do so is to court self-doubt and resentment.

These acts of self-protection will improve your feelings even in our relationships. One area of improvement that's especially worth noting: you'll find yourself less willing to be hurt or influenced by those friends and relatives who blame you for the drinker's behavior.

if you need anything please feel free to message me.