As I sit here, in our new home, miles away from where our son is now in a VA recovery program, he has his 24th birthday coming up. The past 10 years have been nothing but a battle. Since he was 14, starting with drinking, then pot, then pills...a brief intermission while he was in the Navy, but then getting out it escalated to Heroin. He is my only child.

But as we all know, it's our journeys that make us who we are. I'm no angel, I had my own time, nothing as serious as what he is going through, but my own trials and tribulations, they only made me stronger. Funny that when I found out I was pregnant was when my life began to change for the better. I was still playing in my bands, I sing, was always in the bars, or at events performing, so drinking was my thing. I eventually stopped that too. But it was him that made me strong, having then been a single mother, raising a boy by myself, one income, deadbeat dad didn't send a dime or do anything for him, which was a blessing then.

Time marches on and here I sit. We moved into our new home, was excited to have our son come visit us for the holidays, but he opted to sign himself into the VA recovery program. Best present ever. He had been using he confessed. Like I didn't really know? He finally had enough of it. He called every day through his detox, and it's been almost a month now, he almost left the place, but he didn't. Thankfully. Sadly he was shown to have HepC. He says his viral load is low, but so many lies, I don't believe much he says.

Addiction takes the people we once knew and turns them into the devils bidders. Even when they TRY to get clean, it seems the devil has other ideas, their minds now wasted, their bodies now sick, they try so hard to remain positive, but feel awful about the things they've done, they have nightmares that keep returning to remind them, the devils way of continuing their addiction no matter what. If I could, I would erase every memory for him from his past 10 years, but I can't.

I know it's not my fault, but every time you hear people talking they blame the parents. Since my son became an addict, my heart now has an empty hole, my heart is full of embarrasment as others talk about their children of the same age who are living their perfect lives....my in laws have NO idea what is going on, they are WAY too judgemental to let them in on it. We have children to leave a legacy behind, some legacy. Has my life been a waste of energy? All that hard work to make sure we had a nice home, bills paid, a reliable car, clothing, food without having to have any assistance, so that those who really needed it would have it. Yeah, there where some great times, but when you figure that 10 out of the 24, almost 1/2 his life, he has spent addicted to something. hmmm...

Just getting it out so that I don't have to keep thinking it. I'm done with thinking about it, worrying about it, wondering i I should be working harder with him, for him, when I've already done all that with no good results.

I love my son. I'm proud of him for getting help, I tell him that often, how proud we are of him for seeking help and sticking with it. I'm thankful my ex-mother in law is visiting him weekly there, as she is local. At least she if finally pitching in, about time.

I'm wishing that 2014 will find government speaking out about this epidemic. VT's gov has, and I'm sure more will follow. It's about time that the public realizes that this IS an epidemic, not just in poor sections, it is EVERYWHERE....crime is escalating because of it, the robberies, violence, so they can get money to continue their addiction.

Sometimes it scares me where our world is heading.

So I'll keep my dreams for my child, I'll keep the memories that we had...I'll keep praying, but I'm done wasting my life running in circles, it's time to live my life, put it ALL in god's hands....

wishing you all a happy, healthy and better 2014!
K