Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Letting Go

deehigs
deehigs
Right now my life is a mess. I have been crying all morning because of a huge fight I had with Matt the other night. On Friday he stayed over a friends house and when he called me to check in I could tell he was using something. So I said a prayer and went to bed. I wanted to run over there and grab him and shake him and say WHY? I didn't what good would it do? If he is going to use or drink he is going to do it. I can not police him 24/ 7 I tryed that before it doesn't work. I am tired of living like this and so far what I have done does not seem to be working. So I know the time is very near for him to leave the home. I told him I will give him 3 months to save up money and get his own place.Of course that means no doing drugs here or bringing drugs into my home. I have accepted that I can not change him he has to want to do it himself. Sometimes i think he does want to and other times I'm not so sure. I have to stop worrying all the time about him.It is killing me and I have 2 other kids to raise.My middle child is so sad about her brothers life. It really worries me for her if something were to happen to him. I also worry about her future because she is so willing to just keep him here to make sure he is ok even if it means living the insanity we have lived for the past year. I am afraid of who she will end up with down the road as far as a relationship goes. i know there is a long time before that could happen but she is just a sucker for people and i don't want that for her. My youngest is affected too but not as much as my middle one. I hope my son makes it on his own I really really do. Is this the way i wanted it to be? NO of course not but I guess it's not my choice. I pray he knows what he is doing and i pray he finds some degree of peace and happiness in his life. The sad part is as with most addicts he really is not a bad person. He is very handsome very hardworking very funny and he doesn't see any of that( maybe the hardworking part) I am sad for him. I hope he succeeds.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My heart goes out to you!

It's so hard when addiction affects the entire family. It's hard enough for us as adults but when kids are involved, it's even more difficult.

I'm currently reading a book that I highly recommend to anyone who has children in the family when dealing with addiction. So far it's very eye opening to me to help me see through the eyes of a child and how addiction affects them.

"Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Child's Eyes" by Jerry Moe.

He talks a lot about the voice of the family. Each individual family member. It's not a family decision, but everyone gets to have a voice. To be heard. Meaning even the young ones can voice their concerns/fears/whatevers.

I'm babbling....I have no wise words for you hun. Just that I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

Sending you some strength!
blueviolet725
blueviolet725
I am sure he is a wonderful person. that is the disease of addiction. you are right, you have to look out after your other children. I know that I did damage to my relationship with my daughter when she witnessed all my enabling that I did in the begining. He has been sober 3 3/4 years, and just this july they finally made some sort of peace about all of it. SIGH.
If loving them was enough, we wouldn't have to go thru this crap.

I am so very sorry.
Maybe moving out and having to face life on his own will show him what he needs to do...that seemed to be what did it for my son...but it took a while. Maybe the middle child needs to read some alanon books herself, to understand why and how it is out of our control???
marg6300
marg6300
Dee I am sorry you are going through this. I have younger kids too who I worry about because they have seen way too many things they should never have had to see. You are doing your best and you are a fabulous mom and no matter what you decide we are all here for you... One thing I realized was that my rock bottom was not his rock bottom, my son went so much further down but he is coming up now and doing better so please don't give up on Matt but do play hard ball if you have to.
Hugs and prayers..
Marg
kimpalmer
kimpalmer
I am sorry dear one.. Stay strong, take care of yourself so you can be there for your other darlings .. Love to you, K
jainlor
jainlor
i am so sorry dee! saying a prayer
deleted_user
deleted_user
I too am so sorry for all the pain and anguish you're having to go through - it's hard enough letting go under normal circumstances but when they're using it's extremely difficult. But this is also where the rubber meets the road (our boundaries vs the battle against addiction) and it's one of the few things we can do to show them we won't support or enable their addiction. My son was just a few months into his 18th year when we finally had enough of his crap & kicked him out. There was absolutely nothing left that we could do and realized this is his journey and unless he decides to change course it won't happen. Yes he's behind bars (safe and off drugs) and has lost everything he's ever had (including his freedom) but he's now seeing the reality of what he's done to himself and how his life will be if things don't change - lessons we couldn't get through to him before. We have hope that maybe this will be the thing that finally turns his life around and I know he never would have gotten to this point had we not let him go. I will keep you in my prayers that through God's grace he gives you strength and wisdom through this next step.
beantown
beantown
I'm so sad for you. You have done all you can and it's not about what you want ultimately but about what he can resist. Drug addiction is so all-consuming; it consumes the addict's life and will; it consumes the addict's family resources and emotional strength. It is a ravenous monster, never satisfied, never sated. I hope he sees the light before it's too late.
And you, I hope you emerge from this ordeal with strength and hope. I know how hard it is to maintain hope in the face of failure, but hope is all we've got to keep us going. God bless. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
cardinal39
cardinal39
We created the child, we did not created the addict,,, just like letting go,, does not mean throwing away,, it means we love them so much, that we are letting them go,,, to absorb and control their own self,, we planted the seed, we provided them with every need, and showed them the value of life,,, by not letting go, we will never know,,, in a sense we are harboring the addict,, almost validating ( my new found word) the drug use,,,,
It's not about perfection,, but progress,,, in order to move in that direction,,, we need to let them go

Release, relax,, recharge,,, it's not our will be done,, to make our addict sober ,, but their will!

Love ya
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this chaos. This cannot be an easy time. I feel your decision to not let him remain in your home is the best decision you could make for everyone involved. It may not seem like it at the time for some but the light will show in the future. I say prayer is probably the best thing you can do for your son because prayer can do amazing things you just have to fully give it all to whoever you believe to be your higher power.
Since you do have younger children living in your home I feel for their own safety and well being it would be best if he was not allowed to remain in the home. I know growing up with both of my parents being addicts and such i saw a lot of things I wish i had not. My heart goes out to you.
plantlover
plantlover
I'll keep you in my prayers and wish you crazy big strength to do whatever it is you know you have to do.

Hugs, great big hugs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Alanon and Alateen for the kids is invaluable. It is a safe place to vent your sorrow, anger, etc. It gives you an instantaneous support system. I have worked with many families who struggle much more than the addicts themselves do. With this disease in particular, we have to get used to doing things the opposite of how we would in a healthy relationship. His relationships right now is with the drugs and not with the people who love him. That is the nature of the disease. It is a disease that affects behavior and judgment. This is why it is so important to let go. We can love our addicts/alcoholics to death if we don't make significant changes. There is help out there. This is one of the most painful things a family can endure but they can endure it and get stronger. I have seen it time and time again. If you have the willingness to make firm boundaries and stick to them and move on with your own life, that is all you can do. This is where our strength is tested to the max. A belief in a higher power has helped me greatly during times of deepest sadness and acceptance that I cannot control another no matter how much I want to. I have been where you are but having come through it, my life is full, free and happy, even though I have family members struggling with the disease. I had to do my own recovery work when I realized I could not save them--I could only save myself. I send you lots of prayers and support!
deehigs
deehigs
Thank You Dear Friends for all your prayers concern and helpful advice, It means the world to me to have you all for strength . I have made up my mind that I can not fix him only he can do that and i will be there to my dying day to support him in his recovery but I can no longer watch him self destruct. I have set a deadline and reinstated my boundaries with him. Now it is up to him ( as it always has been) to save himself. I have looked into alateen for my daughter I believe it would be very beneficial for her emotional welfare she is reluctant to go as of yet but I am trying to persuade her that it is a group that will be able to relate to her and she is thinking about going so I will let you know what happens with that and again Thank you all. Dee