Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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TLC2012 05/01/2012

I'm not new here it's just been a while since I have posted anything. My son is a recovering heroin addict. He went to a 30 day residential for help and ended up leaving before the program was over he then came to my house thinking I was going to let him come home ( he's 21). In the past he had stole from me lied to me so many times. I told him no he couldn't come home so he ended up in a men's shelter which is very stricked with rules and they help you find permenant housing and jobs, but you have to help yourself also. Anyway he got kicked out of there, and mind you I think he's clean, but I don't know for sure. He wanted to come back home again and I told him no. I don't want him here when I'm gone all day at work and no one here supervising what he is doing, because I don't know for sure if he's clean and even if he is I'm afraid he will fall back into his old habits. He went crying to my mom and even tho she totally agreed with me a month ago on my decisions with my son now she has taken him in and said to me that she doesn't want her grandson out on the streets because he might use drugs. I told her if he decides to use drugs he's gonna do it whether he's on the streets or not. I feel terribly guilty and feel like I'm the worst mother, but I have been under so much stress with him in the last couple of years I just don't want it all to happen again. If he is really clean should I have let him come back home? I feel like if he came back home I just can't trust him. The last thing he stole from me was my 200 dollar iPod, and I loved that iPod. Please help I'm driving myself crazy!!

dmatt124 05/01/2012

I'm sorry TLC2012 that your so torn. First your not a bad mother, your a mom who is trying desperately to not enable and show your son that their are consequences for your son using and ultimately that it is. It acceptable, I am proud of you for making boundaries and sticking to them. I understand how your mom feels but it is really important that she understands she is. It helping him if he is using she is just giving him a safe haven, in which he can use. Maybe your mom can meet you half way and since she allowed him in, she can let him know that he. An only stay if he is clean, and have her drug test him randomly. If he fails he chooses to no longer live there. Let your son know you love him but your life is important to and you choose to help him in his recovery, but not with his aiding his addiction. Keep the serenity prayer near by it will help when you are questioning yourself, hugs.

blueviolet725 05/02/2012

I am with dmatt all the way. If he got kicked out of sober living, he broke rules...my son was in one...and unless he really got out of line with other guys there, he used. they had some real prize winners staying there...and they stayed...you had to get a job, you had to leave the house everyday at a certain time, you have curfew, you have chores and you have meetings.
better than jail.
I think your treatement is right, and your mom better have some strict rules and lock up everything of value. he better cook and clean and mow the lawn. he better look for a job and go to meetings or he is out of there.
want to help him when he gets kicked out of there? homeless shelter. and let him know that now so he knows he is on his last stop.

marg6300 05/04/2012

You are not a bad mom. You are a great mom who refuses to put up with all the crap of living with an addict. Clearly your mom needs some educating of what an addict needs. Maybe you can take her to a meeting but you need to somehow get her onto the same page with you. He will rip her off and cause harm to her and she needs to know this.My son has stolen thoudands of dollars worth of our entire families things. You are doing the right thing so please do not feel quilty... It sounds like you are seeing who your son has become and you are protecting yourself. Good job!!

deleted_user 05/05/2012

What about your Mom testing at home... the home drug test are pretty cheap.. matter of fact, I have to go online and order some... my son will be home soon and he knows i will randomly test him a few times a week... untill I know he has proven his way... one postive test and he is OUT!

katrinka 05/05/2012

I understand your choice and I can see your mothers decision. I hope he isn't using, but if he is it will be out in the open soon. In 12 yrs married to an addict when he resumed using it was just a matter of weeks before it was obvious to me. All the signs were there and yes I didn't want to believe them.
Having him drug tested every so often will help ease everyone's mind. Plus I hope your mom puts some rules in place. Once we become an adult we are expected to pay our own way, so he needs to find a job, keep the job and help her out. He should pay a boarding fee plus help out with chores around the house. If he can't do it then he needs to find other arrangements more suited for his needs. There are no free rides in life and he needs to learn this lesson now.
If she doesn't make him help out then she is enabling him.

TLC2012 05/06/2012

Thanks everyone for your support this has been very hard on me. I think my mom is an enabler for sure. She pays my son to mow her lawn and she even went out and bought him a little camper and put it in her back yard so he could stay in there. Then she had her nerve to call me and ask me to go buy him some underwear and shorts. I think my son is using again because of the money he is going thru and has nothing to show for it. My mom also had 2 necklaces and a pair of ear rings come up missing totaling 1000.00 dollars but she said she questioned him and he said he didn't take them and she believes him. Well of course he's gonna say he didn't take them!! She's treating me like I have done something wrong. My son has got her fooled. My son won't even hardly talk to me and it's because he's got my mom taking care of him and he knows he can't pull the wool over my eyes anymore. I'm am so stressed over all of this.

Pen125 05/06/2012

Unfortunately your mother will realise what addiction means the hard way, just like each and everyone of us.

She is doing what she thinks is best. So are you.

It is a stressful situation as it is.. Having watched my parents - during the first few years- and later on my father enabling my brother big time, I too felt the excess stress and we did quarrel.

My father kept telling me that he needs his time, that he just couldn't find the strength to do what was needed.

Your mom will reach that point sooner or later. Just like my super enabling father did. It's just a matter of time.

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