Enabling does not mean having no contact with your sister it means not helping her do drugs by giving money, taking her places. It also means letting your sister know you love her and its okay to have contact during her sober moments. More people get help when they have family support then those who are given tough love. People misunderstand tough love.

Geesh Katrinka...nothing like making the guilt worse, LOL! Seriously though, I agree. It's more about boundaries than excommunicating her completely. For example, and this may not be relevant to your situation, but telling someone they cannot call you after 10p and ignoring their calls if/when they do. Telling someone you will only see them when sober, and sticking to it (i.e. leaving the second you decide they are not). Not lending money, not allowing them to stay at your house, etc etc. Love them, under your terms.

The guilt will eat you up, try to let go of as much of it as you can.

I can imagine you must feel really mad at her for doing heroin with your brother who had been sober so long and for being on a path that is so hurtful to your dad. If you're like me, you hit a point where you feel like continued working with them (even limited) is taking a huge toll on yourself - it's almost like, "if I continue dealing with you, I'll sacrifice myself and the people I love." I don't think you should feel guilty - you didn't cause or ask for any of this and you do have to survive. If everyone in her life gets emotionally invested and exhausted, nobody will be around to be there for her in the future if/when she gets well.

Ideally, you find a way to have limited supportive contact with a lot of boundaries like others are suggesting so you can keep a sister (even one in active addiction) but not have it destroy you and consume your life. But it may be that you need some time to get where you can do that after what you've been through and figure out how you could manage a relationship with her that isn't hurtful to you. I don't think you should feel guilty about that. I think addiction just forces people to respond in ways that feel 'mean' to us but are the only way to deal with the situation. And that's why you feel guilt - there's no great alternative but you wish you weren't in a place where you've had to cut contact for a while.

everybody has to do what is right for them...at least it is not over something silly, like a will....(my three cousins don't speak over a will and they are all rich)

Anyway, at the second rehab my son went to there were letters that family members had to write to the participants. 2 boys had their family write, but no one came, and one wonderful woman that I adored had no one write and no one came.
I was so upset, but she said "there is a lesson in that" she helped participate by reading letters from family members to other addicts. (I had to also, it was so damn hard) BUT where ever they are on their journey...when they work on getting sober, they come to understand....and more than I did for a long time....
so one day, I believe if she gets into a program, she will come to understand.
I do have a question tho- your brother was sober 5 years and you still had no communication with him?

Enabling is giving in every time my sister calls and wants something and doesn't say hi. I hate talking to her because it always starts with I feel like a scab but can I borrow this or that. not hello how are you and ends up with I am a crappy sister because I won't bail her out. I am 40 she is 24. Tough love is saying no. If she calls I answer..I said basically not talking to her. Our family has supported my sister constantly. She is voer 18 so the only person who can help her is her. She lasted 24 hours at rehab because being sober "menat she had to face things and its to much" her words. Thanks laurap1980 and bhamguy thats exactly where I am trying to get to.

No no. People are misunderstanding. I should have been more clear. I have shut them off from being there to bail them out or calling me when they want something. If they call me I answer but I will not let them borrow money or come to my house if they aren't sober. My brother is currently on an alcohol bender so I haven't spoken to him in a week. I usually talk to both of them weekly. I am not going out of my way to contact them at this point in time as I normally did because I always felt it was important to stay close with family.

Here is a site that will say how to help your sister. I understood your anger at your sister, yet at the same time its doesn't help you or her.
Laura It was not my intention to make her feel guilty only to explain how tough love is. It is not withdrawing love it is setting boundaries for yourself so you are not drawn into the addicts crazy life.
http://www.spiritualriver.com/how-can-i-help-an-alcoholic-or-drug-addict-specific-things-you-can-do-to-help/

You should consider resetting some boundaries instead of shutting them out. You can be there for them without enabling them. They can be loved back to healthy relationships. Boundaries will be key. Good luck. It's a tough road for all of us.

I'm sorry. I didn't read all the replies first. It sounds like you're trying and doing the right thing. It's a difficult time for all of you. Have you been to any Alanons? It's their addictions, but you're affected. You will learn and grow a lot!

Thanks. I have set major boundries which I hate doing because its family but is necessary. Trust me if she called and really needed me I wouldn't hesitate. Alanon is great. My step mother and I have gone...she goes weekly. Honestly, I am pregnant and the added stress of my sisters addiction is not what I want to deal with right now. I just want her to get help. I am actually starting to get more mad than feeling guilty. Onward and upward. Thanks for everyone's imput.