Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Hi everyone. Please read the following post which I submitted a couple months back on DS for the background info. needed to answer my question...
Hi,
I am needing help to know how to handle my father in law. He's a sex addict and has been for years. He's also very manipulative and has a horrible temper when it comes to being caught (even accidently) or confronted (on anything). I personally don't have much of a problem with his sexual advances because I've made it clear to him it's unacceptable (it helps that my husband supports me on it), but many other females around do...including my close friend. In late April, my mother in law found a hidden camera in the women's restroom (single room) at the family business. My mother in law, myself, and a female secretary (the intended target) were the only ones found on any of the tapes. I personally don't believe my 5 year old who is there for lunch almost daily wasn't on the tapes and erased immediately (he has no problems with children porn or anything of the like), but there is no proof of her on the tapes. My husband and mother in law turned it over to the authorities in hopes that he would finally be required to get some help. He has had problems for years, but had never crossed the legal line (had multiple affairs/inappropriate relationships and severe online porn addiction). It looks like he will be required by the courts to go to mandated counseling among other things. There is a no contact order between him and my mother in law (and divorce pending) as well as between me and him. This is court ordered and not initiated by myself or my mother in law. The court order will time out when the court proceeding is completed...most likely by the end of the year.
So this is what I need to know...what do you recommend I do so I protect my children but don't alienate my husband's father? What steps does anyone recommend I ask him to do before he is allowed to have a relationship with my children again (keep in mind he was an active part of my children's life before April of this year)? Thanks in advance.
Ok, the time has come to meet with my father-in-law. The divorce between him and my mother-in-law is final and the court stuff was final in late October. My questions: 1. What recommendations does anyone have to help my almost 6 year old understand this and feel safe? Unfortunately, she knows all about what happened as she was involved with interviews with the police (while I was present of course). I have told her Papa has changed because he's addicted (I explained addiction as best I could to her) and not always "safe" to be around. I have told her Drs and therapists are helping him, but he can't be trusted right now. I told her we are going to see him tomorrow, that we would have lots of fun, but that she is to NEVER go anywhere without being in my or hubby's (her father) eyesight. Her cousins will also be there with their mothers (my hubby's sisters), but they have all seen Papa before and none of them were involved with court or the police interviews. Please help. 2. How do I help my husband? He has refused contact with his father until now because he's so angry at him for violating his mother, wife, and most likely daughter (no proof of the daughter part but we strongly believe). My hubby is EXTREMELY stressed and snappy about it all. He is not communicating about it and even had a hard time discussing it with our almost 6 year old and me today (we just told her today). Please help!
Any and all comments are very welcome. Thanks in advance!
Hi,
I am needing help to know how to handle my father in law. He's a sex addict and has been for years. He's also very manipulative and has a horrible temper when it comes to being caught (even accidently) or confronted (on anything). I personally don't have much of a problem with his sexual advances because I've made it clear to him it's unacceptable (it helps that my husband supports me on it), but many other females around do...including my close friend. In late April, my mother in law found a hidden camera in the women's restroom (single room) at the family business. My mother in law, myself, and a female secretary (the intended target) were the only ones found on any of the tapes. I personally don't believe my 5 year old who is there for lunch almost daily wasn't on the tapes and erased immediately (he has no problems with children porn or anything of the like), but there is no proof of her on the tapes. My husband and mother in law turned it over to the authorities in hopes that he would finally be required to get some help. He has had problems for years, but had never crossed the legal line (had multiple affairs/inappropriate relationships and severe online porn addiction). It looks like he will be required by the courts to go to mandated counseling among other things. There is a no contact order between him and my mother in law (and divorce pending) as well as between me and him. This is court ordered and not initiated by myself or my mother in law. The court order will time out when the court proceeding is completed...most likely by the end of the year.
So this is what I need to know...what do you recommend I do so I protect my children but don't alienate my husband's father? What steps does anyone recommend I ask him to do before he is allowed to have a relationship with my children again (keep in mind he was an active part of my children's life before April of this year)? Thanks in advance.
Ok, the time has come to meet with my father-in-law. The divorce between him and my mother-in-law is final and the court stuff was final in late October. My questions: 1. What recommendations does anyone have to help my almost 6 year old understand this and feel safe? Unfortunately, she knows all about what happened as she was involved with interviews with the police (while I was present of course). I have told her Papa has changed because he's addicted (I explained addiction as best I could to her) and not always "safe" to be around. I have told her Drs and therapists are helping him, but he can't be trusted right now. I told her we are going to see him tomorrow, that we would have lots of fun, but that she is to NEVER go anywhere without being in my or hubby's (her father) eyesight. Her cousins will also be there with their mothers (my hubby's sisters), but they have all seen Papa before and none of them were involved with court or the police interviews. Please help. 2. How do I help my husband? He has refused contact with his father until now because he's so angry at him for violating his mother, wife, and most likely daughter (no proof of the daughter part but we strongly believe). My hubby is EXTREMELY stressed and snappy about it all. He is not communicating about it and even had a hard time discussing it with our almost 6 year old and me today (we just told her today). Please help!
Any and all comments are very welcome. Thanks in advance!
Your husband has every right to be angry and why would you want him or your daughter ever around your father-in-law. I would tell my daughter papa is sick and it is best we stay away from him. It would be terrible if he did something to your daughter at a later date. My ex ah was molested by his grandmother in a sick way he would go to her for help. It is sad how these people prey on the young and the weak. A person who is molested is never the same, a person they trusted takes something away from them that can never be given back.
I would think this is the ultimate betrayal to your husband, he is angry because he trusted his father and his daughter might have been sexually abused. As a father I am sure your husband feels it is his job to protect his daughter and his father a person he trusted betrayed him. I would give him time, but I would have nothing to do with father-in-law. Safety of daughter comes first, my ex suffered on many levels because of the sexual abuse he will never get back his lost childhood.
why does it matter? even the molester could understand your not allowing a relationship.
Why are you more worried about your husband's father than your family?
If he was a stranger how would you handle it?
As far as if he was a stranger comment...if I didn't have children to teach boundaries and forgiveness to I'd never speak or see him again. I'm trying to show my daughter (and eventually my son) how to handle a bad situation. Simply avoiding it will not teach her how to handle this. I'd rather handle it with them then have them do it behind my hubby's and my back when their 16.
Also, if he ever stops treatment or his behavior is not acceptable to BOTH me and hubby then his contact with my children will cease. While he is "Trying" or at least behaving around my children, he will be allowed limited contact (couple times a year with holiday cards allowed but no phone calls is what hubby and I have set with him right now).