excellent post. That is why they have the saying, "let go and let God" because at some point, we have no choice but realize that we have no power over this....
on a broader scale, when you think about it, we really don't have control over anything...we just have to make the best choices with what we know at the time and deal with it- addict, job, kids, husband, parents, whatever...
Once I stopped trying to steer the boat, I enjoyed the journey alot more.

Thank you... i just read the posts from 2 very wise women... I have to remind my self daily that I am not in control... damn... hardest thing for me to get ahold of... love you both!

Kim,

it's an everyday process,, just like when an addict is in recovery,, this is my recovery,,, I relapse at times,,,,, and that's when the "insanity" comes out,,,

I love this site,, in some odd, weird way, have establish a relationship with all of you,,,,, Not sure how I would of gotten through some of my days without being here.... and any information, inspiration, or kind thoughts sent out to all of you,,, is part of my recovery,,,,, to recieve,, and give back

if only for today::::: let the peace surround you,,,, postivie thinking,, only leads to postive living..

Live, love, and laugh

thank you my friends, Kim, it is my hardest challenge also letting go. Some days I'm so good at it,and then other days I really suck at it. I now know that it is a learning process. I am by nature always the person that fixed everything, helps everyone, and out of 6 brothers and sisters is truly the matriarch when it comes to taking care of alll family matters. But I thank you women for beiing my strength, and helping me on this journey. I love you all, and couldn't do it without you.

dmatt,,,,

it is my pleasure, and I"m honored when I can pass on some support,,,, honestly helping and reaching out to those,,, and you all know who you are,,,, it's part of my recovery,,,,,, No one says we have to be perfect,,, but the golden rule is to love,,,, if you happen to read the bible,, never once did Jesus say,,, no He or she is not good enough for me to touch,,,,,

I am so glad that I have this site,,, I'm not quite sure where I would be without it..

I honestly do think of each of you all the time

where there is life,,, there is hope

live, love and laugh

I just joined this group. An Alanon friend suggested it. Wow! I have been in Alanon since July 2011 and I always have to go back to step 1. I am learning soo much. Just starting to get it about letting go and let god. Thats difficult for me too but driving the bus isnt working for me anymore, everything I seem to have done for my alcoholic husband that I am now realizing was all to try and "control" every situation and was very damaging to him also. Just learned control is a coping mechanism which comes from fear. I have been letting go .It is hard but once you start to even a little bit you can feel the change happening within you, the inner peace that we all want so badly. Just remember the 3 C's.... we did not Cause it, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it.

I have mixed feeling about the 12 steps. There are some valid points and then there are some which aren't always true. I do agree with Kim we are powerless over the addict and we need to stop enabling.
Great post Kim!

I am asked so many times, " what should I do? I want to be there for them. I want to help." My response seems so cold to most, but it is what you are saying here. I tell them to walk away, close the door and have no contact unless it is to arrange treatment. Don't listen to a word they say because it is their words that hold you hostage to their emotional roller coaster of sickness. The entire time you ride this game they continue using. They use the beauty of your forgiving heart as a weapon, they play you like a fiddle using your hope and trust against you. Every day you play this game is another day they are using. They beg you, promise you, tell you of all their pain & cry in your arms. Then they will ask for money and if you say no they switch from helpless to jack the ripper. At this point they will say anything no matter how hurtful to get what they want. And this loop plays over & over & over & over & over...... It seems never ending and you become just as sick as they are from their emotional filth. The longer you leave the door open the closer you come to a nervous break down, and each day they play their games is another spin of the revolver. What day will hold the loaded chamber ending or crippling their lives forever? You change nothing with your kindness! They don't need you, they need to find their strength. You stand in the way of their accountability, of their remorse, of their desperation, and in the way of their realization that they are powerless. You know how difficult it is for you to " let go" , how do you think they will find the strength to "let go" when under they are under the influence if we can't do this with a clear mind? How will they realize their lives are unmanageable if you are picking up the pieces for them? So how do we help? We reject their drug infested lives and Let them fail miserably. We let them continue on as they are, racing frantically for answers, placing ownership on all. Let them become exhausted from all their drama and finally fall. Eventually they will becomeweary from the drama,having no strength to carry on alone. They will have nothing left, nowhere to go and no one to turn to. When we allow them to be silenced by every broken painful moment of their lives and let them fall to their knees stripped of all this fight is when they have no choice but to see their lives are unmanageable. When they have no one picking up the pieces they find this bottom much faster. Both the addict and the non addict need to realize step one and neither can do this if they are caught up in the dysfunction. No matter how many times we are given this information both the addict and the non addict find it difficult to move forward into change. Somehow we believe we there will be a different outcome even though we keep doing the same thing. Change what we can change, accept what we cannot. Simple, yet so difficult.Great post! My thoughts are with you all.

What can you do to help a love one?

Let them know you love them, you don't judge them and let them know you hope they eventually make some healthy changes.

Let them know they are welcome in your life as long as sober and clean, if using tell them you can't see them right now but if not using drugs tomorrow you will welcome a visit from them. Or you can get together. The trick is to set a healthy boundary for you and at the same time don't walk away completely from your love one. reward good behavior and ignore them when using. If they call or keep hounding you hang up, shut phone off anything to keep your sanity.

If they get in trouble, be supportive but let them handle the consequences. Don't rush out and bail them out. Don't pay their bills, although some people have peace of mind if they keep paying cell phone for love one. I know it was very hard to turn off Ah's cell phone as it was the only link to him. But he still manage to get in touch with me. I personally think turning of phone should be a decision you are comfortable. If you want to leave it on that's fine you can always turn it off later.

Don't yell, scream, nag them thinking this is going to make them change. It won't and will only make you madder and them close their ears so they aren't listening.

Don't try to discuss their drinking and drug problem when they are high or drunk. They aren't listening and will only turn the whole thing back on you. Discuss it when they are sober and let them know how much you enjoy being with them when they are not drinking or using drugs. Be positive.

If this is a teenage who is using drugs DON'T turn your back and think oh it will go away. It won't and it will get worst. Instead get them some help, for most teen's there is another problem that is making them want to escape reality. Sure some will try drugs because of peer pressure. If your teenager is not following the rules of the house, take away the car, the phone, don't let them go out. Take them to school and pick them up. Set ground rules and always let them know you love them.

If you drank every weekend, partied and now are wondering why little Johnny is using drugs and drinking realize they learned it from you. So unless you make some positive changes in your life you child is going to follow what was familiar life style they grew up in.

Learn to not take the drinking and drugging personally. Know when a person is actively using they will say and do anything to get their drugs. Another words don't be gullible and believe everything they say. The will have you so confused thinking am I the one who is crazy? No they are just master manipulators so learn to detach for the addict not the person. Do not get sucked into the drama, walk away. Learn when to say something and when it is best to walk away for awhile. Biggest thing I see here is people getting all wrapped up in the drama the addict does. Instead say that's an addict for you and move on to something more pleasant. You are bringing a lot of this drama on yourself by not removing yourself from the situation.

If your husband is drunk and is abusive, verbally and physically. Leave them its not going to change, you can't change them and you are wasting your life on someone who will never think it is his right to do whatever to you. Most abusive men do not change that is a fact according to a psychologist who specializes in abusive men.

These are the reason's I could think of right now I am sure we could form a good list. Wish we could sticky it to the top so others could just see what to do and what not to do.

great suggestions Katrina,,,, just going to add,, that helped me,,,, keep conversation to 15 words,,,, anything after that,,, we tend to repeat, repeat,,, honesty, not just the addicit, but anyone,, they stop listening,,, and I keep a mental picture of where my voice level should be,,, I put my hand sideways between my nose and my neck,,,, consisitent with that,, when we raise our voices,,, it's the emtions taking over a coversation,, and then we look like the "crazy ones" like Katrina said,,, healthy boundaries are not just for the addicit, but for us,,,,

and keep comming back to this site,,,,,

Good advice keep the topic short! Your right after 15 words you become redundant.