Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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carolinagirl123 01/28/2013

Hello everyone. I have a 25 year old son who at 22 got addicted to alcohol and crack. He went to treatment for 6 weeks then went on to another program , lasting 1 year. I am truly amazed that he has remained straight for 3 years now. However, his programs are now gone except for As which he remains very active but he is back in his home town and the environment is NOT. good. I am terrified that he is going to relapse. I am seeing his self esteem go down and has little motivation in getting a jib he lives with his grandparents and his father is there too. The grandfather drinks beer everyday and my sons father tends to abuse prescription drugs. How in the world can my son stay straight when all this is going on around him? ? The temptations are constantly thrown in his face and the grandfather continues to drink in front of my son to drunkiness, the father doesn't drink in front of my son but does on occasion take too many pills and it shows. I think they are horrible and have no respect for what my son has fought for and achieved for three years. But how much can a person take? I've had a dooming feeling for a few days that my sin us going to relapse. I have MS and I don't handle stress well at all, it literally make me sick bring out all my MS. symptoms putting me in bed for days. I'm thinking of going to an al-onon. Group. I don't know what to do. I have to take care of me and I would rather him nit live with me for obvious reasons plus I'm in a one bedroom spy. P. But what can I do for my sonz? Please advise!! hank you.

deleted_user 01/28/2013

Your right it is not a good enviroment and hopefull it will be only temporery. The next time you talk to him encourage him to make meetings if he is not doing so already. Also if he does not have a sponcer encourage him to get one. A good sponcer can make a big differance. You could talk to the grandfather and father,but I dont think it will do any good. Many people dont see it as a diease expecially those that are themselves with a problem'. Find a group locally and join it. And last of all have a littel faith that he has learned some tools in his recovery that will help him fight temptation.

blueviolet725 01/28/2013

He has a lot of time under his belt. Either he will handle it, move out or screw up. Tell him what you feel and then let it go. give it to God. My son has 3 years 9 months and 3 weeks tomorrow...I still get those visits from the worry devils.
Temptation is around them 24/7....even if it is not physically around them, their disease is in their brains, and "talks" to them regularly.

You are making your self sick worrying about what may never be.
"worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear."
and by Ben Franklin-"do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight"
Lastly- "worry does not empty tomorrow of it's sorrow; it empties today of it's strength."

I just counted, and under the glass on my desk I have 17 sayings....so I am with you, fighting against OUR disease.

"Anxiety is the combination of 2 things- an overestimation of the size of the problem and an underestimation of your own (or his) to deal with it."

deleted_user 01/28/2013

As a parent, you will worry no matter what. However, you are making yourself sick over something you have absolutely no control over. Your son has to make the right decisions and he has 3 years of making good decisions on his side. It is up to him to remove himself from an enviroment that is not supportive of his recovery. The best thing you can do for yourself is go to an Alanon meeting. My guess is that over the last 3 years, your son has aquired some tools that will help him in his journey. There is nothing wrong with suggesting he attend AA but the decision has to be his own. If your son wants to use, he will use, regardless of where he lives. Be thankful that today he has chosen not to and there is nothing wrong with praying that he will continue on his journey of sobriety. Take care of yourself!

cardinal39 01/28/2013

It's your sons recovery,, he has the tools,, of course you can sit and worry and be sick every min of the day,, that would be your choice,,
It's not about the storm, but the ability to dance in the rain,,,

If you surrendered your addict into your higher power, it's not our place to interfeer,,

Blue said it,,, he is either going to use or not use,,,,

We are here surrounding you with the strength of hope,,

Release, relax,, recharge,,

dmatt124 01/28/2013

Breath.... I know the worry but as my friends have said and as I am sure you know it didn't matter how much you worried 3 years ago, and it doesn't matter now. It's your son's journey, and hopefully the 3 years of sobriety haven given him the tools he needs to weather the storm. Hopefully he will see that the environment he is in is not a healthy one, and can make the decision to exit. Hopefully he has a good support system as phil said a sponsor, sober friends, meetings, anything to help him in his " test" moments. Always remember the Serenity prayer, when I worry most, I try to say it over and over.

carolinagirl123 01/30/2013

Thank you all for yourcomments. And you are all correct. His living arrangements is only supposed to be temporarily but I am concerned that he is not seeking a job. But then again you have a grandfather dishing out money like M&Ms. Shame on my son for not looking for a job and wanting to get out I don't know how he stands being there after losing his own privacy And having his own place for 3 years. He has admitted to me and his father that he is feeling lost and have no self esteem. The self esteem part has dramatically changed" since he came home. He is surrounded by all the negative factors and temptations. I realize he has 3 good years but in my opinion he is really taking a big risk. I told him to get out. I will take your advice and turn it over to God as that is the way we should handle all things anyway

jainlor 01/30/2013

does he have anywhere else to live which might help and support his new life better?

carolinagirl123 01/31/2013

He can come here and live with me even though I am in a spacious 1 bedroom apartment I could make accommodations I have to ask him to come here but he will not where he's staying now, he has his own bedroom, bath and living room area in the upstairs of the grandfather's home. I understand that part but that house is severely disfuctional, who wants to hear arguments and beer drinking, pill popping right in your face all the time. The grandfather thinks he's 37 but he's. 77. We have a good relationship I don't understand why he won't come here but where he is at now he is treated like a king, it has always bee. n that way since the day he was born he is the favorite grandchild on my ex husband side of the family. His grandfather paid for all of his rehab treatment and paid for all his rent utilities etc for the last 3 years. it's a dog food bowl situation a dogl will go where the food bowl is. He needs to grow up! His grandfather is 77, He wont be around clever.

blueviolet725 01/31/2013

He had his rent paid the last three years? yeah, not so great. His self esteem will be better when he carries his own weight. And that self esteem is super important for his recovery.

Why won't he come live with you? Because he is a young man who doesn't want to live with his MOTHER! it is true defeat in their minds. If he gets uncomfortable enough he will move his behind. Too bad he doesn't have a sponsor- because if he was working a program I think they might give him a good kick.
I hope it all works out. You have made your suggestions and offered your help. Is there a sober living house in his area? back to sharing a room and a bathroom, but structure,sober, safe.

cardinal39 01/31/2013

I'm going to just apologize right way,,,, but I have a sense that there is more then just your son living in this environment,,, could there be slight envyness that he has chosen to live with your ex family,,

Your son is an adult,, let him decide where he should live,,, let him decide what a wrong or right decision is,,, if he was or is working recovery,,, an addict needs to be held accountable,,

It may be dysfunctional where he is living,, and perhaps your ex is spoon feeding,, but unfortunately it's out of your control ,,, simply detach,,, and enjoy the phone conversations with your son,, instead of looking for reasons,, he should not be there,.. Enjoy the time with your son,,,, sometimes being a parent does not mean we have to continuously "parent" them,,, there are times we can just enjoy the person they have become

My mother-inlaw had ms,, I took care if her,, I know for a fact,,, worry about things you can not change,,, only flaires up your symptoms of ms,, which I know is not a comfortable healthy state to be in

Let go,,,,,,,,,,, release,, relax,,, recharge

deleted_user 02/01/2013

Relapse is apart of recovery. Family members have a huge fear around this and rightly so, but the truth of the matter is that your son will drink/use no matter what you do if that's what he chooses. Addicts/alcoholics cannot sit with their feelings and they use the drugs to numb out. Whatever is going on with your son, is his internal battle and you cannot fight his battles for him. This is his journey and it sounds like you have your own journey that requires 100% of your attention. Emotional detachment is the only way family members can get their lives back, including health, money, spiritual harmony. It can be done but it takes a lot of effort to learn about codependency. The cost of constant worry can devastate a person's life. No one body can endure long-term without breaking down. I have been there and I am still recovering today from major health problems due to years of constant stress. I made a conscious choice to make changes and everything in my life is improving as a result. Counseling, support groups, Alanon are invaluable. All of that saved my life. I wish you the very best!

plantlover 02/01/2013

I completely understand where you are coming from. However, it is not going to help your son or especially you to worry and stress over something that hasn't happened and may never happen.

You need to take care of yourself first. I know it's hard, but how can you be of any help to anyone else if you're not well.

Be strong! And big hugs to you.

carolinagirl123 02/04/2013

I am not enveyess of my son staying there, I'm a little shock ed that he chooses to stay down there all the time and hass only come stay with me 1 time. It has hurt my feelings a little bit I love my son in love to spend time with him but I'm going to let him do what he thinks he needs to do. Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen and give me your input I do appreciate it

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