I just found the group last night. I thought the same thing. Kind of quiet around here. My husband committed suicide almost six years ago. I dunno where everybody else went, but Im here and would love to talk! Lisa

Well, you are like a meadow in the middle of a desert. I have so many concerns and things to share with people on a daily basis and there is no one here to talk to. How did you feel at 8 months? I basically can say that I was non-existent for the first 3 months. I have talked more on the widows group, but though I attend Suicide Survivor group here locally, I find people coming in there six, eight, years after a death. However, I am the only spouse death in the group and that also makes for a big difference for me. Not that the act of suicide is not just a horrible and violent death for all of us, but he was my husband and I was/am so sad that he could have been that sad and removed from me (mentally) by a demon that came from 'where'? They call it the Everlasting Why, but I hear / and watch/ many things about suicide and it's center of focus is about how high the suicide rate has climbed. Two wars, WOW, talk about suicide, but also, talks about our youth killing themselves through bullying and gay/lesbian suffering in the schools system. That isn't my story. It is a sorrow I have for all of them, but it isn't me. I am just a wife, left alone after a violent suicide that happened in our house. I have so many questions. Thank you for commenting. Vicki

I have been on here since my brother committed suicide on February 18, 2012. He was my confidante and I was his. He was 1 year younger than me. He was a grandpa of two beautiful children. His daughter was getting married in August and he was looking forward to walking her down the aisle even though he didn't like who she was marrying. It was his son's 15th birthday. His son and him were leaving that evening to move to another town and get away from the lady he was living with. Everything was looking up for him. They found him in his bike trailer with the door locked and automatically said it was suicide. The man at the funeral home said his coloring wasn't that of someone who committed suicide. I got them to reinvestigate the case and they still came up with suicide. Til my dying breath I will still say it wasn't. What do I know as I have only known him all his life and talked to him regularly. I miss him so very much and there is nothing I can do about it. I still walk around in a zombie state some days. Especially if I'm having a really bad day, I just want to text him or phone him and be able to vent but I can't and never will be able to. I just try to deal with it one day at a time. His biker friends have started a bike rally in memory of him. I just can't make myself go. I will never get over this and talking about it just brings up more questions. It hit my parents really hard and as I'm the oldest, I have to help them through. I try to see good in everything but there is nothing good in this so I just give up talking about it. I'm not one to just babble on with people about my feelings, etc. There are no free group sessions here and individual counselling is very expensive. If I went through Mental Health here in Canada, it is an eight month to a year wait so I've just learned to go on. One day I will have to deal with it but right now I'm having health issues that are more important so my grieving is once again on the back burner. Holy, I'm sorry this is so long but I guess I needed to get it out. Thanks for reading my mini book lol

I think that is the thing. We have alot to say and it might be very long. BUT the stigma of suicide has got to be eliminated. I listened during my very early days after my husband died I found a website (I'll post that link late), The website talked about how the reporting community referred to suicide as "committing suicide" First and for most, a crime is committing rape, a murder, is a crime, there is no crime at all in committing suicide, Even the church doesn't consider suicide as a crime. Why are all of us so "shy", "afraid", "scared" to talk about our loved ones who have taken their lives. It's absurd. We loved them, the friends loved them. We should be able to speak about our losses.

I felt like I had leprosy. I felt like everyone looked at me with a mix of pity and blame. Why couldnt I keep him from doing it? Worse was the alienation my children had from peers... nobodys parents wanted my kids around in fear theyd expose their children to information they werent ready for... which in some ways I understood, and in others I was really resentful. I spent most of my time what iffing at that point.. if I had just.... could I have saved him? The answer is no. My husband became addicted to prescription painkillers and alcohol. He also suffered from depression... for all we did for him over the years, it was simply artificial life support. He himself was never able to get his feet under him. He tried ... Lord knows he tried. The one thing Id like to pass on to you is dont make his choice to die his legacy. Your husband had a life to celebrate. Mark the celebrations.. the birthdays, the anniversaries... find a way to celebrate that feels right for you... a dinner, a candle, plant something.. whatever feels comfortable for you. Alot of gifts have come from a result of this tragedy, which I look forward to sharing with you... ultimately, realizing that there are gifts is a mindset... a choice. A painful event has happened in my life... but I will not live my life in pain. Gentle hugs my new friend. Lisa

WOW! I feel so blessed to have you, Lisa and bookkeeper64 talk. We all have things that will set us off, it is crazy weird. My husband was a Climatologist and Meteorologist for NOAA. BUT, he also had this side to him that was absolutely not 'nerdy' (as we referred to it). He trail biked, he street biked, he has two motorcycles, the 950 he rode pretty much to work all the time because it was so economical and then we have the bigger 1800 Touring bike. He was 'greater than' an amateur astronomer and he was a fantastic woodworker. We have taken road trips on the motorcycle that will always be some of the best times in my life. HOWEVER, Big problem for me....whenever I see couples on a bike I just cry my eyes out, and here in Colorado, there are beautiful places to ride your bike and the weather is perfect. And, I have recently had a person the he mentored in woodworking come by the house and he was able to take some of his woodworking tools. My husband would have loved that, but again, I just cried and cried for days. I will not sell anything that he made and I know he would want the tools to go to his friend's son. It also meant so much to me, too. But it is still so hard. Thank you for sharing with me. Vicki

I totally get it... My daughter just graduated from high school a couple of weeks ago... it was our first major event since Richards passing. I did okay through the ceremony and afterward, we were left to find eachother in a sea of kids and family members... I spotted her coming toward me with tears in her eyes and she came to me and whispered, "Do you think Dad would be proud of me?" We both lost it....I cried for hours and hours that night.
I understand what youre saying... so many good and positive things in their lives... why would they choose not to stay? A permanent solution to a momentary problem.
I like what youre doing with his things... paying it forward... not making a shrine, but allowing the things to have purpose and acknowledge his life... his gifts.. his creativity. Well done sweetie

I only recently joined too. I've been in the Divorce support group for just over a month now, starting days after my husband unexpectedly told me he wanted a divorce.

My mom killed herself about 5 1/2 years ago and I find myself missing her so much all over again right now. Friends are really awesome and all but...when your whole world shatters around you, you just really want your mom, you know? My best friend and husband betrayed and hurt me so deeply and I'd really like to just talk to my mom about it, cry in her arms, and I....can't. And it just makes everything hurt all the more.

I check in here often, but your right it is really quiet here. I havent been on DS lately do to some issues I am having inlife right now.

My brother commited Suicide on Christmas Day 2011. It is coming up on the 2 year aniversary and I have grown to absolutly HATE that holiday. I lost my father to a heart attack in March of this year and then my mother died in May of a broken heart. SO I am out of family now and use DS for support every chace I get.

I am usually around now a days if you need someone to talk with also.

Hugs and prayers!

I left a while ago, when I was on an upswing, and recently came back when things started to get hard again. I too was surprised by the sluggishness of this particular board, but I understand too. Many of the people I remember being on here have moved on, and I guess that's a good thing. I hope they don't have to come back ever.

But for the time being, here we are, right? Even if it's just a few of us, we're here. I'm sorry that each and every one of you have had to come to this message board at all. I hope we can all connect and get to healing, for me I believe this place helped me before and will again. There's such empathy here, it restores my faith in humanity a bit.

You have a great weekend. As great as it possibly can. And I guess I'll "see" you later.