Today has been a day in the wind so to speak.  I was informed on Friday that a young student that my son has grown up with commited suicide.  It breaks my heart.  The kid was only fifteen, and a girl madehim look like an awful person. So I was told, or informed. He is also a cousin of my current boyfriend.  So he is like family.  It kinda hits home and is making me think of the awful feelings suicide has brought me, both having to see or hear of suicide and knowing it myself.  

I haven't thought so awful of myself in a while, but is it selfish of me to wish it was me instead?  Or that I could some day be the next?  I know there is so much good in world, and negatives seem so much higher to see and feel.  This girl is not the only reason I am sure.  He just couldn't live on, in the state of mind goes to when they are depressed.  My brother committed suicide as well, and it hurts me to this day.  It should've been menot him.  I too understand his feelings and thoughts he had at the time.  If a person thinks of suicide are they likely to always have it there to think and contemplate and even try to kill oneself?  Is it just a matter of time when it becomes no longer a thought but action?  I seem tobelieve that somewhat.  I think anyways if a person has been plagued by more than just a period of depression/ or any other disorder/illness.

I am at a loss for words on this young mans life, and how short it has been.  He didn't deserve this.  Noneof us do I guess inthe big picture but when that overwhelming feeling of dispair and hopelessness areso strong one just can't move on any longer.  My current bf wonders how someone gets to that final phase, and I could try to explain, but it still doesn't make sense to him, although I think he has been down the thoughts or thinking of doing suicide.  He is pretty strong person though.  He's been the one to accept me as crazy and lost I was when we meet, and has helped me in a lot of ways, but he too can't wipe the thoughts of suicide out of my head.  I just get overwhelmed with all the things kids have to deal with today,and not knowing where to turn to for help because many of us forget how to teach our children healthy values and respect for one self and others. No good ways for them to cope, and technologies are part of that problem, just like anything else I guess.  My bf thinks of it as bs sometimes, but yet he supports me in dealing with the day to day things.  Sometimes forgetting how dysfunctioning it can be for me, and seeming to pressed to correct my forgetfulness when itcan't be corrected.  And still he supports it and tries to encourage me to motivate me so I can feel better.  Oh, how hard he tries.I am thankful today I have him for the support I do.  Not many people can or are willing or even understand hoe to help us with our depressive thoughts and feelings.  My bf is there tolisten though and offer help in ways I know I could make better.  People are starting to see what an actual problem suicide and depression have become such high factors for our troubled kids these days.  It's not guns, but it is the person behind that gun looking for help and giving uphope that there is such a thing.  

There is though, and we need to recognize them and give them their self esteem to build on, not so much negativity and scolding.  Mental illness is not an excuse but it is a big problem in teaching someone how they can love themselves and the world they are given when it looks so damaged already.  I have to end here, or I will go on a tanget, and bore so many.  Thanksfor letting me post here and vent.  Does anyone else get where I am coming from?