I can relate. Sometimes it is easier to pretend my father never existed at all. Causing me even more guilt, I try not to do this.

Most of the time, I'm pretending too. Going about my daily routine, seeing family and friends, I throw on a smile and act like I'm okay. Meanwhile, my heads spinning with emotion, and all I want to do is scream, cry, talk about him. Since it's been 17mo, it feels as though what I go through every day is inappropriate. (I should be more healed by now) If I did express what I'm going through I would only become bothersome and upsetting to others around me. Eventually they would make little of my pain and not care. That's why I pretend. In part its from denial, and other part is because I'm scared to express what I feel. Expressing is all I want to do but, just like you, I can't. It's troublesome that grief is still so strong. I hope that I can find relief someday but don't have any expectations.

Your words are bitter sweet. It is consoling to see that I'm not alone in this. At the same time it hurts to know that someone else is. Thank you for posting

I can relate to the lack of correlation between time passed and emotions felt. Like you I feel if I bring it up and become emotional people will become confused when they realize how much time has passed. Sometimes i think the emotions are still so strong because i never really fully let myself deal with it or cope with it, I never really spoke about what happend or how it made me feel. Othertimes I think the emotions and sorrow weighing me down will become a permanent scar on my heart. I am not sure how to allow myself to deal.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Like you I find your post to be very bittersweet. I was not expecting a response let alone anyone who seemed to understand just as much as you do. But sadly that means you too are greiving and searching for a way to peice it all back together.

I noticed that you had said that all you want to do is talk about your dad. I would love to hear about him if you are ready, on this post or personal message if it is more comfortable.

I can relate where you are coming from. I lost my dad to suicide 5 years ago. At first it was hard to believe, and like you, it didn't feel real. I spent a lot of time out of the country, so for me, it was like I was gone and just hadn't seen him for a while. I still have a hard time going to the gravesite because seeing his name on a tombstone makes it all real.

I have reached a point that I can talk about my dad, and I enjoy doing it as to me it is a way to keep his memory alive. I still get emotionally sometimes, but it's usually random things that will set it off.

I am sorry for your lost and I hope you find comfort.

My father committed suicide 12 years ago on Halloween. It was and still is the most horrible and sad thing I have ever gone through. There were complications that made matters worse as well. Unfortunately, my siblings and I were there shortly after it happened and still dealing with the trauma of that in itself. I talk about it often and know many people are uncomfortable, but it's my story and I need to share it. If someone asks, I tell....the details are only shared with close friends. Talking has been my sanity......still all these years later there are many programs on TV I can't watch, anything with violence is too difficult. I look for comedy programs. I'm rambling sorry....any time you want to talk....I'm here!

Ali

I am so sorry you have to go through this Coexist03. But thank you for posting, as it has given me an insight as to what my daughter aged 19 is going through.

Her father hung himself in May this year and she has never spoken of it and pretends it never happened, and in turn I am left worried sick about her. I have absolutly no idea what is going on with her.

She has never spoken about it to her friends, in fact, I don't think some of them even know. She is struggling at uni but won't let them know what has happened.

I hope you can find someone you can trust enough to talk to. Hugs to you all.

So this is where I am. The internal struggle is daily for me, and I'm finally looking outside of family and friends for support, what I've read so far on here has helped. Thank you. I know that I'm stubborn, it took several months after my dad killed himself to even begin accepting it. I was in denial, convinced it was an accident and that he didn't mean to do it. Although there was a tiny part of me who knew that he did, and once I received the ME report it was right there in my face. He was done. It will be 2 years next month, and the title of this topic hits home. Pretending. The taboo and negative stigma associated with suicide is horrible, but it shouldn't be. I think talking openly about it would maybe shift the negativity, make it so it's not such an ugly topic, but I still find myself evading the truth when somebody asks me how he died. There is a certain amount of shame, and of course the guilt. Being the only child of my father has made the process that much harder having no siblings to cope with. I have half brothers on my mom's side, but she didn't want to tell them how my dad died so we never talk about it. It's not pretty, so sweep it under the rug. I feel like a broken record to my husband even though he tells me I can talk to him anytime...my son is great, but I don't want to spread grief constantly. There's a point where I think to myself, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc, like I'm pathetic for still feeling so many emotions, but I am sorry for so many reasons. You know? I will never be the same person, I have to work hard on expelling resentment toward my husband who didn't come with me to take care of my dad's house, funeral, etc. his mom had already bought him a plane ticket to come home that Christmas. Rather unbelievable in retrospect, but what am I going to do about that? It's over. My cousins helped me and my son. Anyway, I don't know what my goal here is yet, but I clearly needed some type of forum to find people who can truly relate to this type of loss. It's unlike any other nightmare I've experienced in my life. To you who have gone through the same, I am so very sorry for your loss. It will get better, right?

I had no one to talk to about my boyfriend's suicide. His family wanted me out of the way as soon as possible. I was just a sad reminder of what he'd done. My own family was sad and felt sorry for me, but they really could not relate to my loss. They had only experienced "normal" deaths, and as you all know, there is no comparison between a death from illness, etc., to one by suicide.

That's when I decided to go to a support group. I needed to talk to people who understood, people who would not try to tell me to look on the bright side or remember the good memories, etc. I went for nearly two years. It helped me a lot, and although I am still sad and things will never be the same, I can cope with daily life.

I would encourage anyone to go to the AFSP.org website to find a suicide survivor support group in their area. Don't worry if it has been years since the loss. There is no time line with his kind of grief, no time limit on how long it will take to find your "new normal".