I'm so, so terribly sorry you're going through this. It's truly heartbreaking any which way you look at it. Mine too passed - September 2nd. I still very much feel as you do, even after 5 months, and truly understand how hard it is right now.

There are so many emotions when it comes to this.. I'm just so sorry you're going through it. Take everything one minute, hour, and day at a time. I know it's hard.. It's probably one of the hardest things you may go through.. But surround yourself with loved ones, family, friends.. Don't be scared to go through the emotions.

I don't want to say that with time things get better, because from my own personal experience.. It has just utterly been hell, and there's just no way to sugar coat any of this. It's a bitter, tragic end, when someone you love commits suicide. They leave the people who loved them to pick up the pieces, in a way..

I wish I had the words to make you feel any sort of better at this point, but alas, I'm afraid I don't. All I can offer is an open ear, even if it's only online.. If you ever need to rant, vent, or just need to talk.. Please don't hesitate to contact me.

-BIGHUGS-

Hi Aphrodisiac,

Thank you for your reply. I feel so confused and hurt. He was so young, 25 years old, and we've been together since we were 17. It's so terribly hard to think back to all the memories I have with him. He was my best friend, and I truly think that it was the demons inside of him that made him decide I was his enemy when he pushed me away during the last few months of our marriage. I know in my heart that wasn't the person I fell in love with, and that was his depression.

I feel terrible for his family as well. When my husband was 15, his mother died from an asthma attack and his brother killed himself in a mental hospital, within a year of each other. Him, his dad, and his two sisters were left to try to pick up the pieces. My husband struggled with depression since then, but he always told me I was the joy in his life. I am trying to remember that I brought him so much happiness in his life, but I'm wracked with guilt that I left last year, and he was alone to try to deal with his depression. He moved back in with his family and I know he was surrounded by people who loved him very much, even if I wasn't in the picture anymore. I hate that our last conversation on the phone was about money, since he owed me a few thousand dollars. We didn't fight, we were never outright mean to each other, but it was short and so business-like. I wish I had said how much I loved him and wanted him to be happy.

I wish I could talk to him now. I'm so scared that I'm going to feel this deep regret my entire life. I feel like I should have known better. I should have tried to call him when I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. I'm angry that he overdosed on prescription meds, and I'm angry that he had access to a full bottle when he clearly had suicidal thoughts. I wish he left a note, or tried to call me. Somehow, I feel like I could have stopped this from happening. He knew me better than anyone, and I kind of feel like I'm a ghost now, because the person who knew me best is gone.

The what-ifs, and the wondering is what gets me as well, but in all honesty, and I have been told this so many times before.. He would have whether you were there to try and stop him or not. As you have said, the depression took him over. It's hard to take in, but it's the truth.

I've often times felt like I wish I could have done more, or said something differently, tried to talk my significant other into seeking professional help.. In the end, he didn't want to do what he needed to in order to get help and get better for himself. There was so much going on with him, and he truly did become another person when the depression got to its worse.

You have every right to be angry but you should never feel to blame in any of what happened - You could have only done so much and you're only one person. I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

It's possible he overdosed accidentally, or "accidentally on purpose". This might not have been suicide, per se, although he may have been so depressed that he over-medicated.

It doesn't really matter, though, does it?

You are not responsible. You will try to take responsibility. That is an untruth but we all (those who have lost loved ones to suicide) do it. I strongly suggest you find a grief counselor experienced in helping people who have lost loved ones in this manner. You might not think this is necessary, but it is.

Thanks for the support...I honestly think he meant to die. He didn't do it by accident. He was studying medicine and he knew a lot about drugs, and I think he knew what he was doing. I know I can't blame myself, I just wish I could have had the opportunity to stop this from happening. If he had just called me...or anyone, maybe it wouldn't have happened. I don't know what was going on in his head when he decided death was the best option. He must have been terribly alone, and that just makes me really sad because so many people loved him.

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. My boyfriend and my father both shot themselves, in 2012. Until then, I had never lost anyone close to me either. I lost my dad, first. A week later, the police came to my door and told me my boyfriend had also taken his life. By then, I couldn't do anything, but sit there in shock. I could not believe I lost him too.



I just joined this site a few days ago, but have already found it incredibly helpful and comforting. I wish I had found this place, a lot sooner. I went through the grieving process, on my own. A lot of people tried to convince me to go to counseling, and I refused. Now, I wish I had gone. You cannot keep this bottled up. I highly recommend seeing a grief counselor or therapist. You're going to be feeling a lot of different emotions at once, and it can make you feel like you're going crazy, if you don't vent to someone. If nothing else, you should at least come here, so you can talk to people who have been through what you're experiencing. It helps a lot to talk to people who can relate. You can even message me or add me as a friend, on here. I would be more than willing to listen. Take care, and please remember, you're not alone here!! Xoxo.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your message ripped at my heart when I read your last sentence about feeling so sad that he was alone and sad. That is still the most lingering heartbreak that I have regarding my husband's death. My husband killed himself on October 11, 2012, and though people will say it gets better over time, I think it has just gotten different. I still have tremendous lows many days or during any day. My husband was not a depressed person though, it is odd that I read of many persons here who were experiencing either depression or addiction, that was never the case. He was a wonderful person, full of happy and loved life. Thus, the shock for me, my family and all of his friends. And my thoughts always go back to him being all alone, in the basement, with a gun and being so sad that he had gotten himself to some place of despair that he just could not shake it. Such a loss for the entire world for him to leave us all. When you mentioned about the note, I thought about how I have referred several people here to a website that helped me tremendously when he first died. Suicidefindinghope.com, at this site they discuss about leaving a suicide letter, about the stigma of the reference "committed suicide", a reference to guilt somehow, similar to "committed murder", there is no sin or law broken by a person who takes their own life. They cover many other topics that might help you and provide you a change of perspective. Many people here have already said it, but, it can't be said enough. You couldn't have stopped this. It has been a hard lesson for me, but I am finally coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing I could have done (though I always think there is), there is nothing I could have said (though I play it over and over in my head). I would do anything to have him back again, but that is just not ever going to happen. I am so terribly sorry for you, you do know that there are many people here at DS that will provide you with guidance, good vibes, lovely words, heartfelt sympathy, and reason. Be well